Nothing shocks and angers a manipulative person more than when the target of their abuse stops falling for the tactics. It took me way too long (20+ years!) to really accept that they did not deserve the benefit of the doubt that I always allowed them, but I finally learned. So now their sad face and their protestations of confusion, ignorance, and innocence leave me cold. I know exactly what they’re doing and why. I know it’s nothing but a ruse to lure me into engaging with them so they can employ the same tactics as always. To try to confuse me and make me doubt my own perceptions. They didn’t change, but I did. Once you’ve really seen the reality, you can’t un-see it. Life is so much more peaceful now.
One can't openly admit they don't have any friends and would like to make some.
Whether it's a friendship, or a romantic relationship, or a family relationship, if it feels like work, if it's non-stop effort and pouring of your own energy into the relationship and winding up exhausted and drained, it's not really meant to be. Relationships should not feel like work. One should be accepted and worthy just for being themselves. You don't have to work, you just have to be.
You're giving away your last name soon. And I have a feeling that I was uninvited by your lovely bride to be. It was so interesting watching that unfold. How you told me you would never date a female like her, and now look at you two, about to tie the knot. Why did you change your mind? Is it because she still lives with her parents? You know, so many of our friends thought you and I would end up together. I really messed it up. Dare I say that I hated you at first? But in the last two years you're all I can think about. All I feel when you're around. There's a strange and intriguing pull I feel when you're in the room. I guess maybe in another lifetime. For now, I will say thank you for showing me what a fine young gentle wise husband looks like. I will never tell you this irl but you will be the person I compare men to when I go on dates. If anything you gave me that, so thank you.
Insomniac now because > I don’t want to go to bed because > I don’t want to wake up because > I loathe to be at my workplace where I’ve been physically threatened by the owner and also threatened that I could lose my job if I keep pressing for X. It’s impossible for me to relax with such an adrenaline dump at work. I drink heavily to try and get sleepy tired. I hate how I must be humiliated to get a paycheque. The working life sucks.
Playing games with love. Specifically, self-love. Self-esteem. Confidence. Encouragement. Sometimes you don't get any of that growing up. Not even a scrap. Sometimes a person has to figure out how to give that to themselves. And I haven't.
It's been a long time. I wish it hadn't been this long, but time flies. I miss you, Stephen Harper. I didn't know what I had until it was too late. I had to learn the tough way what it means to virtue signal and put the economy completely last for my moral positions.
There are so many things that I should be doing, I should be accomplishing, ways I can be helping, ways I can be of service to others, ways I can demonstrate kindness and helpfulness. And I get overwhelmed. So I procrastinate. And the procrastination makes me feel even more overwhelmed. So I procrastinate. And time marches on.
Things have been stressful lately. So much that situations begin to feel less…real. Like I’m in some big test I’m meant to process, learn, and grow from. Where at any moment, dear friends will jump out and say Surprise! it’s all a practical joke, no need to get worked up. Oh I wish. I don’t feel like I’m going to pass this time.
So…a few weeks ago this childhood friend who I hadn’t seen in many decades searched me out on fb and sent me a friend request. I was really pleased to reconnect with them. We exchanged a few messages, but they live several hours away so it was really just the occasional message and not hanging out in person, but I was happy thinking that I’d made a new / old friend after all these years. But I’m a busy person with lots going on in my life and I don’t spend a lot of time texting or talking on the phone. All of my friends are the same; we’ve got stuff happening and families and whatnot, and sometimes my friends and I don’t talk for ages but we’re still friends. So out of the blue today I got this message from them angrily telling me they’re done with me because I’m too busy, then they blocked me! Wtf! As if we were in some kind of high school relationship or something. I always replied to their messages quickly and in a friendly way, so this was just so random. I’ve never experienced anything quite like it before and I’m still shaking my head and giggling.