Confessions

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Why

Why not me?? I am okay with it and all because I care about you both more than you could know but I still gotta wonder.. Why is it never me?? Why an I not good enough?? What can I change?? Why not me??

Excuse me while I wipe away the tears

A financial post column on financial advice had me sobbing about the dilemma of a couple approaching retirement who are struggling to make ends meet on measly take home pay of $9500 a month. Included in their monthly budget was an item under "gift giving " of $1650 ... per month , every month. Go and get fucked... with stupid stories like this we don't need any fake news

Look into the elevator before entering

It never ceases to amaze me when adults enter an elevator with their heads downs without looking to see if anybody is in the car. This should be a basic life skill you learn when you're a small child.

No one cares

I've only dealt with adversity, chronic mental and physical illnesses and one bad thing after the other. I'm just so freaking tired of it. I would give anything to be healthy and happy. My health has stolen everything from me..... It isn't fair. It's invisible, so people understand even less, and only certain people know about my depression and ptsd due to the stigma, and how badly I've been treated by family and even health professionals that my own psychiatrist said to refrain from disclosing because I am not believed when I've talked about my physical issues. Landed in hospital 3 bloody times, nearly died once. Fuck you doctors, hospitals, and every close-minded asshole that has screwed me and made my health worse. Fuck you to the so called people that say they are there for you. No one cares! I was in hospital after a test just recently, had a rare complication and in severe pain. Not believed, went to ER next day, internal bleeding. Seriously?!?!? Why won't you assholes believe me, and the complication was due to the doctor s error. I hate hospitals and doctors because of how I've been treated and you bloody doctors are doing a pretty good job of fucking me over even more and adding on top of my crappy health problems. I've tried everything and advocating for myself, I'm done. Not a single friend saw me. I've stupidly bent over backwards for people when they needed me in spite of anything I'm going through because I care For years. I'm so angry and hurt and not sure how to even talk to them. A couple apologized, and one has been texting though moreso out of guilt.... I just want to pull away from them all. I need to learn to be a bitch, and not sure how to. They all have things I can only dream of. Healthy, happy, and healthy enough to work ft to be independent, great partners, and lives. The harder I fight, the more my body and mind fight back, and I have something go wrong. Since I was a child..... What is the point of living if you only experience misery, sickness, and pain? I fight through pain to work pt, seeing countless specialists, a counselor for years. Nothing is helping. Something always goes wrong. I honestly feel cursed. I'm not getting any younger and the loneliness is painful. The hardest part is not being held, it's such a small thing but hurts. I will NEVER do anything casual, and sick of the creeps that pester me for that. NEVER going to happen!!! Rather be alone, and have gone without for years. Just accepted I'll have to be alone, despite it being very difficult. Have way too much I'm dealing with, and my stupid health takes precedence..... As always I needed to vent and just scream it out into the universe. No one is truly here for you. It's easier to be with people in good times than be there for someone that is constantly suffering. Ive been so stupid to think I've ever mattered to anyone. Some people will only suffer, and know of suffering and it's a shame that me and others like me get so beaten down by life, that they no longer have hope.

Tough guys in a group

Last night two guys walking down the sidewalk, one calls me a faggot the other says he's or moving out of my way.... Today I see both guys alone, no lip at all when they're not in a group. You two cowards should read "The Art Of War" but neither of you neadeethals know how to read. One day soon I'll give both of you the chance to be tough guys, one on one. I'll laugh at you cowards as you run away like little girls. Lily little but he's are going to get bitch slapped.

Your nudes

Once in a while, I'll scroll through your nudes in my phone but I can't bring myself to delete them. I can miss someone I don't want back, and still appreciate their nudes right?

Too Many Taxes

I own 3 houses in Vancouver and the government expects me to pay another six thousand dollars a year in taxes because of the value of the properties exceeding a predetermined threshold. This is absolutely unacceptable. Its just another example of robbing from the rich and giving to the poor. Money will probably go to vending machines for illegal drugs or more naloxone for drug addicts who can't stop overdosing. I can well afford to pay this tax but I am fundamentally against the message its sending. You shouldn't punish hard working people for being successful. I worked extremely hard for this wealth and its wrong to punish me for being successful.

HMV >Victoria's Secret

Everytime I see the Victoria's secret store off of Robson, I take it as such a huge eyesore. I really miss the HMV, and the act of going to a media store, viewing the product in my hand, and purchasing from a clerk who will shoot the breeze with you about obscure music factoids or whatever else. There was a community vibe. Now, it's a distribution center for strips of cloth that barely cover female (mostly) genitalia. Huge contrast! Maybe it's the contrast that bugs me the most: from something that brings me joy, to something that...err...yah. I would be more appeased if they had not turned it into a vs, but maybe a pub/brewing company. But I get it. Supply and demand and the nature of economics. A sad reminder that the world keeps on moving despite my mind wanting to hold onto things.

Lying to yourself

But then again you're really good at that, aren't you? You feel safe and happy surrounded by other losers with no future, because at the moment they're all still relatively young and attractive and fun. Ten years from now I'm sure you'll feel differently - when you're all aging with health problems, still stuck in the same meaningless, unfulfilling, dead-end jobs that you hate, with debt and no savings and no future, working late nights and drinking at the same bars afterwards. You're pathetic and I'm glad I don't know you anymore.

Did you know?

That kiss my grits! was code for kiss my tits!?

I am going vegetarian

The confessions have made me angry, so I am going vegetarian to protest biological meat matter. I am slowly replacing my body with vegetable components to live a fulfilling and healthy vegetarian lifestyle.

Little cartons of eggs in Europe

It is day two and I just ate an enormous amount of little eggs instead of a few eggs to get the equivalent protein. These chickens need to be fed more... I am getting hungry.

Fiction and non-fiction in a political world

I need to make an impact on the world. Therefore, I am going to invoke the softness and sensitivity of my generation to silence any potential dissenting opinion— and create a true north strong but unfree. I am so liberal and educated! *ahem, sarcasm, cough cough* I hope people realize an openness of ideas is our only hope to keeping Canada free, liberal, and happy. I am getting sick and tired of the thought-police showing up at my parties and telling me how to think because they haven’t been able to separate fiction and non-fiction in their literature degree. If you do a literature degree, do literature— or else get a politics degree.

I'm ready to fly

Not much time left. I can sense it. I'm not scared. No regrets, no wishes. My best friend will take care of everything. i can't recall any bad memories, only happy ones. I'm spending my days listening to my favourite music and writing memories and thoughts to my family and love ones. I don't want to see them at the moment. I know it is selfish, but right now i need tranquility and familiarity of my house. I don't want to fly off hospital bed. I hate hospitals.

Shakey Foundations Census

I was raised with financial stability but emotional chaos and the normalization of volatility absolutely plays out in my adult life if I am not careful. One of my parents was responsible and the other was a deadbeat. I had a good but very challenging time dealing with my family of origin. How many people in the world had "normal" childhoods? How many of us are direct results of the toxic atmospheres or incidents? How many of us had hard times with parents who also had hard lives growing up? I think we cover up our formative conflicts so we don't come across as weak or foolish but by burying it we make it harder to get away from what is hurting us by repeating old patterns.

I SAW YOU

Arbutus Greenway smile

It was about 7:15 pm on Monday May 21st, and it was a spectacular evening. We ran past each other...