Search confessions

Would be nice

If my Mom actually showed sincere interest when I go on vacation and said, “Have a great time, you deserve it”. Instead, the only thing she’s interested in is how much the hotel is, How many days, how often we ate out, how much the car rental is. Just tallying up the receipts in her head. Pisses me off. I work full time and have been cooped in a tiny condo for months and it would be nice if she expressed excitement that I’m finally able to get away, rather than judge me on how much I’m spending. I’ve already given her thousands of dollars, delivered food and masks and gas cards, during the lockdown so it’s not like I haven’t helped her financially. Maybe next time I won’t even tell her I’m going away to spare us both the drama.

Poor you

I have a friend who seems to really hate women, don't know if he's part of some men's rights group or what's going on with him. He's always going on about conspiracies of women trying to destroy his and his friend's lives. The weirdest thing is he's upset women don't want to date him. Dude, if you start right out the gate hating someone they're not going to want to spend any time with you. The few relationships he did manage to have have been really unhealthy (Gosh I wonder why?) When he's not going off on his weird rants, he can be funny and okay to hang out with. With covid happening I haven't seen him face to face for months and he's been going down strange rabbit holes on social media since then. Don't know if I do want to see him again when things get better but I also worry about him.

Rota Fortunae

There's a song I'm afraid of that only gets stuck in my head just before something serious is about to go down. I try to ignore it and hope that if I don't accidentally sing it aloud that I can prevent whatever disaster is about to take place. Yet somehow in a moment of distraction, it slips out and then I'm terrified. What's the worse that could happen. The worst possible thing you can imagine. But lately, I don't feel as afraid as I used to. So much is happening every day and maybe it's a good thing, even when I don't know what it is. And now I try not to be afraid and sing freely this strange mix of two songs. Across the Universe and 21 by The Cranberries. Nothing's gonna change my world... Nothing's gonna change my world...Nothing's gonna change my world...Nothing's gonna change my world... Today, today, today, today...

Don't bother job shaming me

Sure, I don't make a lot of money and my current job may not seem like the most glamorous, but before you decide to judge or pity me consider this: I am not being micro-managed all day by some crazy boss and I am not getting constantly bullied and belittled in front of others. I don't have a 2 hour commute to and from work every day, and I am allowed to work from home. I get to avoid the all too common office politics, and am still able to have good relations with positive management and coworkers. I am not in a bad place.

Mortality and life

What would you do if you were faced with a serious surgery? I have struggled with a great deal of adversity since I was a child, with illness (thanks for the terrible genes, abuse etc.) and tried to always operate from a place of kindness and empathy only to be screwed over. My health issues are very complex and resulted in significant pain, loss, grief, and a loss of autonomy despite my trying everything under the sun to no avail and countless specialists. You quickly realize the people that are truly there for you when you're chronically ill and most people don't care.... I've always wondered why some people suffer so much and throughout their lives while terrible people don't.... Far too many good, kind people in the same boat as me that deserve so much better and want so little. Just to be healthy to work, be active, and have normalcy. One thing that's been hard is not being touched. I don't mean sexually, but just held, and feeling safe in someone's arms. I've given up on meeting someone as good men are few and far between, let alone one that would be with someone so sick although you couldn't tell from looking at me. I read this study about how men leave women at a rate seven times higher with a partner with illness yet women stay through thick and thin..... Yet, I still wish I had someone to laugh with, and do regular things with, but it can't happen..... It's been several years now. I had friends try to encourage me to date, but due to sexual abuse and PTSD, I have difficulty trusting men, and have been hurt too much. So, what would you do? I'm in the high risk group and have to stay home usually, and my symptoms while awaiting surgery are very difficult where I'm very fatigued. I don't know what to do... Please be kind I'm struggling with this surgery as is and appreciate advice. Thanks.

I miss my mother, but I'm glad she's dead

She died during Covid, not of covid but isolated in an assisted living building. By now, she would have hated been cooped up in her room with nothing to do. By now, she would have become too lonely not having anyone allowed to visit her. So, I'm glad she's gone. She died in April with her dignity intact. Still, I hold her in my heart and hope that wherever she's gone, it's a good place.

Wishful Thinking

Sometimes my mind wanders to my ex. It usually ends up being a pretty bad time because of how she wanted things to be between us. I usually end up in a rut and feeling worthless. I have to climb out myself and try to ignore those thoughts. Sometimes I just wish she’d be candid and apologize. It would at least confirm I wasn’t wrong for caring about her as person. But because she never does, I’m stuck thinking she never gave a single fuck about me. As in, never considered how I might feel, or bothered to do something good about it, or maybe even puts no value on the feelings of others. I just feel worthless and dehumanized. I wish I was free of these thoughts. Maybe I’m still in denial about what happened. Or maybe I’m just feeling self-absorbed this weekend. Thanks for hearing my rant.

I'm In Love

With an inanimate object. How can the SpaceX Dragon 2 be such an adorable, fat, little rocket?

Oh, it's coming, all right.

I went to get a late nite snack and decided to go to Granville Street on Saturday night. I was stunned. A whole block cordoned with police cars and multitudes of people clubbing. No social distancing at all. Throngs of people clustered closely. It looked like spring break in Florida. Not even the police wore masks. It takes weeks to show symptoms, & one superspreader can infect hundreds in one go. It's not just getting sick, it's the months of rehab that people don't think about as you recover & we don't have the infrastructure for that volume. I notice wherever there is alcohol in the equation, there are large clusters, no masks, no social distancing. Every potentially dangerous scenario involves open consumption of booze along with futile, naive attempts to ask people to do the right thing. It's not happening at all, stupid leaders & medical experts. Open your eyes. Worse, the city wants to allow open liquor at over 20 parks & open plazas. Are they insane!? We can’t get people to be careful as is & we want to increase chances of spread!? We are screwed. Just wait. It's coming & the next wave will be far more brutal than the first because many of you think it's over, that it's not so bad, that it's a hoax, that the odds are in your favor... just like those who were decimated in the last pandemic. You'll see, & I don't care if you believe; you're practically dead to me already.


August Long Weekend at Wreck

I think you have your last name tattooed on your side. We physically bumped into each other and I...


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