So much time wasted, just trying to survive each day, doing basics. Now I'm in my 40's and I'm haunted that it's too late for hopes and dreams.
Something I thought would never happen finally did. I happened to be in the same place at the same time as my ex; the person who broke my heart a thousand times and left me completely shattered. But when I saw him I felt NOTHING. Just free! Lighter and happier. I thought this day would never come, and I was wrong. So just hang in there all you heartbroken people, because it will happen for you too. : )
Suns out, long weekend coming up. But I get such a twisting feeling in my chest. No plans, no especially close friends to do something with. I'm not going to blame Vancouver, I'll have to take this, partly. Not from here originally, I ask pals if they want to do stuff, the ones who reply, will generally be no. But rarely any asking back at me at other times. Its difficult to fathom. Where I'm originally from , Im very close to my pals, despite the distance, so on a good day, Ill think, I am at least 'likable' . But I have to say the bad days of feeling like such a pariah, feel more plentiful when I see groups of people out having fun in the sun and going away long weekends/ My darker side yearns for cloudy / rainy days, as they at make my isolation a little less obvious
Pre pandemic and probably the last 15 years I've been pretty fit. I hit 40 just before the pandemic and was pretty happy with who I was. 2 years later I have a punch. Maybe it's a 40's ponch, maybe it is a pandemic ponch. All I know is that it is not going anywhere. I've tried the gym, less, more, extreme, etc. I've tried dieting. Eating more. Eating nothing. No affect. Most of my is fit except this belly ponch. When I watching TV it's jiggly, but when I stand up it's... well it's still there. like a fanny pack. Guess I got to accept it.
I confess that I feel completely overwhelmed by crises happening in my life. Every time I think I’m actually happy and things are going pretty well, something new happens and I’m knocked down again by the stress and sadness. I love my people so much. It’s heartbreaking when I’m helpless to be able to stop the awful things happening to them. I’m struggling so much in my own life and barely managing to stay afloat, and I’m losing sleep and feeling sick because of all the worry about them. I don’t know what I can do other than just be there to listen, but I feel so depleted so much of the time that I’m just too exhausted to do the things I need to do for myself. Sometimes the world is just too damned much. It’s times like these when I wish I had a partner to lean on, just to be able to share the weight of it all.
I cancelled the last of my streaming sites today. Maybe it is because the last 2 springs(march- may) got cancelled, but I have spent 6-8 hours daily outside this spring. I no longer have a smart phone, just a flip phone for dialing. I have an email account, although not many emails come these days. My online shopping has been at zero purchases for 2022, unlike the last decade of it being my go to. Outside of local news, a GS confession, and a few other basic web searches I have digitally detoxed. 5 months into 2022 and my New Years resolution, one I though unobtainable, has been obtained.
I am in a parallel dimension, and it feels like I don’t exist to people I once considered friends. A collective forgetting about the pandemic and no masks means being in most spaces isn’t safe for me. Apparently discussing immunocompromised people is banned in BC press. It’s really alienating and isolating seeing endless photos of partying in maskless crowds, people doing things in busy inside spots (with their young unvaccinated kids) with no masks . . . People I thought were smart? And supposedly didn’t want this thing to go on forever? It’s a confusing and lonely time.
The pandemic really made me realize how most of the people I am surrounded with (family, friends and acquaintances) have very different views from my own. I don’t need the people in my life to subscribe to the same beliefs as my own. But it feels very unsettling and isolating when I notice myself being inauthentic to get along, or, when I get punished for even slightly sharing my views. Perhaps I’m mistaken, but I do believe that the things I believe in are based on reason. I am a highly empathic person but do not subscribe to many aspects of the woke political atmosphere of the day. I do my best to listen to others, and I don’t think of my positions as being the “right ones”. I share this because I realize that I can’t be the only one who feels this way…but I just can’t seem to find my peeps!
I went off weed edibles for a month so that I could clear my head. Now, I’m back on just to see how my mind works again. Only this time I won’t over indulge like I used to. I think once a week would be better rather than every day.
I can’t taste a thing. It’s wild. Can’t smell either. It’s like chewing goji berries and eating sour cream but different. I know this is merely a covid novelty - but do the senses come back? Online I read maybe 4-6 weeks. I suppose it’s a great time to go on a diet. Perhaps this is a sneak peak to what my taste buds will be like in my senior years. Coffee has no flavour but the warmth and the mouth feel of it are still satisfying. I hear people recover with souvenirs from covid. Extreme aversions to meat, strong scents, caffeine… It’s almost like being bitten by a radioactive mosquito where a strange super power you never even knew you had is taken away from you. I’m curious and afraid what I will recover with. I hope I don’t lose coffee.