Search confessions

I saw an old photo

of a beautiful girl sitting with my family while I was over at my grandma’s house today. And I thought “who is that??!!!” Upon closer inspection, I realized it is me at age 19!! And it made me feel wistful and sad because at that age, I never felt I was good enough or beautiful enough, and I was bullied a lot in school. But I literally did not realize how totally gorgeous I was and that my bullies were probably just a bunch of jealous jerks!!! I share this because so many young people don’t realize how amazing and beautiful they are, especially young girls, and how it really doesn’t matter what others think only what you think of yourself! I wish I’d just told them all to bugger off and gone for all my dreams….


I took my 10 year old daughter winter clothes shopping and she wanted to buy one toque with a white pom pom and also another of the same but with a blue pom pom. I asked her why and she said, "So that the blue pom pom and white pom pom can be boyfriend and girlfriend." I'm thinking :WHAT!? Haha, I don't know what that's supposed to mean...: Sometimes I really don't get my kid, but that doesn't matter. She may have some really strange and unfathomable ideas but I love her regardless. I ended up getting both because I felt it was practical to have two in any case.

Raise your kids better

A bunch of little shits at the park called me a lesbian yesterday. There is nothing wrong with being a lesbian but I'm not going to have that conversation with someone else's 8 year old. What bothered me was this older kid about 12 years old leading his little wolf pack trying to make them bully along with him. Snickering, calling me fat. I said that's not very nice. He mimicked me and said, "Fuck you!". I turned around and said. "No, fuck you!!" . His face dropped. Wasn't expecting that I guess. Not my proudest moment but it just came out. I asked him if he liked being a bully and if his friends liked being friends with a bully. They all went quiet his face turned red. Either embarrassed or wanted to punch me lol probably the latter.. I'd like to think what I said sunk in but they probably just called me a fat lesbian bitch as I walked away. Should have minded my business though. If I ever catch my daughter being a bully there will be very serious consequences. Teach your kids not to be little assholes.

im so tired

im so fucking tired of everything. i hate life. i hate my face. i hate my body. i hate my hair. i hate everything about myself. why am i so fucking ugly. why tf do people think im gay. im fucking crying myself to sleep wanting to just dissapear. im so tired of this fucking bullshit. i always get rejected. im always the one left out. im always annoying. im just so tired of verything. school is just fucking me over and i have no friends. even my parents begin to judge me. i become more and more angry at everyone and everything. im more and more sensitive. i just cant anymore. im so tired

Sensory overload

In the last 2 weeks I’ve noticed the roads are full of cars in the morning and now the Canada line is always busy and I’m now stuffed into a bus packed with people. Obviously things are going back to normal but was it always like this? The last 2 years my brain has forgotten and it doesn’t feel good. Might be time to move out of the city.

Helping myself

I will never touch cocaine ever again in my lifetime. I was going through a phase and felt depressed over personal issues in my life. So I decided to give a try. I figured maybe it would help me sort of numb the pain so to speak. But I realize that no, it’s not the answer to solve your problems. Just giving the benefit of my experience here. On one hand it made me feel as though I’d been on top of the world right on cloud nine. But when I did too much, I’d spend my days coming home at 6 AM and layed in bed until 2 PM. Once that high wore off, I became irritable, angry and gloomy. Very bleak. Cocaine is also by far the worst drug when it comes to sex. You can’t even get aroused since it cuts off your blood circulation. I realized that I needed to look deeper inside myself to resolve the personal issues going on in my life. So I went to see a psychologist and he gave me the best advice anybody could ever give me. He told me to just focus on pleasant scheduling instead of doing drugs. And by pleasant scheduling he said to keep on doing the things I love such as drawing, exercising, swimming getting a haircut, going for a massage etc. Ever since I’ve taken up pleasant scheduling, my life has turned around for the better. I can now think for myself and my head is a lot more clear than it was before. Making a decision to cut the dangerous poison out of my life was one of the healthiest choices I’ve ever made and haven’t looked back since. I encourage anybody who is itching to break free from that vicious circle not to hesitate to go seek help. Helping yourself requires discipline and willpower but it saves your life and will do you good in the long run.

Now that I've gotten back into drawing

I don't feel as lonely anymore. If you're a puddle, no one will want to swim in you. I want to be the expanse of an ocean. Greater than love.


I'll be thirty soon. I can't believe how old I look for my age. I just gained a new forehead wrinkle the other day. I'm going to try to just accept myself. I stopped dying my greys because I'm sick of conforming to societies beauty standards. My friends and family have made pretty insensitive comments like oh god you're too young to let yourself go or wow time dye those suckers, bud. (that one did make me laugh). I feel like society accepts men going grey like it's sexy but for a woman it's not? Maybe I'm wrong. I feel so insecure but I'm tired of trying so hard. I don't know what I'm trying to say here.. I'm confused. Happy holidays folks!

Still me

I am a lot more hurt and probably scarred from adverse events and illega conversion therapy bullshit than I want to or can admit. l got so scared that I didn't let anyone in my home. I feel so uncomfortable now and want those assholes to have the potential to be in prison. I wish someone was inviting me to brunch because I feel so alone now. I hid it for a while but the burn is deep.

Full circle...

I have a decent job, and I am grateful...but when I put on my tie in the morning I cant help but sometimes feel like a imposter. I slither into my costume like a reptile to join all the other reptiles in this real life game of mortal kombat...without the weed and potato chips. I feel like I am becoming my role/title....soul sucking office zombie living off the commissions of products that you cant even physically touch... Waiting for a baby boomer to retire so that I can replace them in that quest for upper mobility and higher taxes. I have become the enemy that I loathed during my teen years. I used to laugh at guys like me. "Yeah, whats wrong with that guy? Looks like he's got a stick shoved up his *s s" If I had a conversation with my old self and my current self, my old self would probably throw a che guevara book at my face. But then reality sets in. Obligations and deadlines overflowing at the rim. Angry workers that don't shut up. When I was 23 years old (circa 2008), I used to work as a barista. We had a pretty good crew. After work we would smoke a few joints and crack jokes about asshat clients. The kinds of people that would shit on us for not getting there milk at a certain temperature. Ironically, I have become one of those people... Slowly. So kids, when you see someone like me on the skytrain....just remember...I too once had a soul.


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