The person whom I think was the love of my life and I are over. It's been a journey of self discovery and reflection. Gave booze a big break. Got a counselor. Started dealing with things I've left for quite some time. It feels like a backstep , but sometimes I'll sit at a park we'd goto and try to forget it ended. We had a few parks I guess. We would go and just be together sometimes. Sometimes Wed meet up after a fight and cry and argue and kiss and.... it was passionate at times. Looking back, when I let myself, I'm happy someone cared to be that passionate with me. It meant something. It's probably quieter without us too.ha
I was always a good kid with straight A's at school but since i started university, i cant study at all. I dont want to. I feel depressed and stupid all the time. But my family and friends think i am the same smart kid at school. I am barely passing school with a 2.2 gpa. I dont know how i ended up here. I feel i am living a lie. I just want to let them know that i cant do what they want me to do.
And what with the creeps & stuff nowadays.....I don’t bother saying hi to any women I don’t know nor do I
even look at them, in fact I hardly go out anymore, it’s just not worth it (btw I don’t even say hi to men or look at them either)
I've never had money before now suddenly I got a chunk of change and no idea what to do with it. Not enough to buy a house, but enough that I don't gotta work for a bit of I don't wanna. But what do I do with it? Should I invest? Put it in an RRSP? GameStop stock? Lol jk... Just use it to live? I don't really want a vehicle as I hate driving and there's no other bigger items I really need since I rent. I also don't wanna waste it...
Having a bit of an identity crisis, but all things considered, I believe I'm wearing this insanity quite well. Just waiting for some mysterious beautiful stranger wearing a tight leather body suit to show up, kock on my door, tell me I've been chosen, and that I need to follow the white rabbit.
best looking and most popular of my friends in our teens and twenties, but now we’re in our thirties and I’m the only single one! Never thought this could happen. Even they comment that it’s strange! Seems like life never really turns out the way you think it will when you’re young ....
I want to tell my friend with benefits that I’m in love with him but I can’t because it’ll ruin everything so I’ll just say it here. I love you!!!! I want you to love me too but you totally don’t. Fuck.
Seeing someone through the distance of a zoom screen I've never felt the desire to hug someone more.
The people I thought were close were actually not. And that's turned out to be a really good thing
Thank God pants are not as often necessary as in Before Times
The relationships I bled for before ended up bleeding themselves out on their own
The people who stuck around were not who I thought would
I'm actually more than ok on my own than I thought I could be
Nesting is a very real thing, and when done right (just authentically for myself) is actually amazing
The feel of Good Toilet Paper is absolutely real (when available)
If I have to spend time on my own, I might as well start getting to know myself
Always add more garlic
'Chores' are just performing loving favours for my Future Self ("I know Future Me won't want to do these dishes, so I'll just do them now")
I actually love myself more than I thought I did
Cleaning is pretty therapeutic
Instead of envying evidence of coupled neighbours, I can instead be happy such connections still exist
I don't have to make up excuses for not wanting to be around negative people
It's more than okay to just sit in a contented space of simply Existing
Accomplishments can be small. I got dressed today. That's a Pretty Big Deal, really:
I have a Body to Dress
This body. I hated it before, but now I love it, because even though it's not perfect, it's gotten me here, to enjoy all these small joys in this space of Universal Lack and Pain
Lack and Pain are both still Feelings. I'm thankful to be able to Feel
Small joys. A good meal made. An artful playlist curated. A decent connection at the grocery till. A returned smile at a stoplight. Hey, that dog wagged its tail at me. That's really cool
I never got to know Real Me in the Before Times. I never knew all the small wonders that could possibly make me happy, because I was always so busy busy busy at trying to be be be
Even though I dutifully wear a mask now in all public spaces, I actually get to wear none of the ones I made myself wear before
I'm just me
I'm just finally Me
I love me.
And I hope you all love You too.
I sure would like to reduce my phone use, detox, dopamine fast, and everything... at the same time, computers are what got me to where I am in life. They're the one thing I'm really good at. All I have other than that is some amateur musical ability. Where to go from here?