Search confessions

your feet go here

You know the stickers on the floor near the check-outs at a store? The ones that show a pair of feet indicating "6' social distancing?"in the lineup? I confess that when COVID finally eases off I hope those stickers stay. It took a pandemic for some people to get the drift that personal space is actually a thing. Remember when someone in a huge rush, with no self awareness at all, would just hang on the back of your shoulders breathing down your neck as if that makes the line go any faster or the cashier's fingers fly any quicker on the cash register. I always wanted to say "back the F up please" but thanks to the pandemic, I'll just politely glance at the sticker and then at them, and glance at the sticker and back to them. And smile. So much more civilized.

I wonder what it’s like...

I have no family in this city and I live alone. I see friends celebrating birthdays posting photos of birthday cakes & flowers & gifts they’ve received from friends and family. I’ve spent the last decades worth of birthdays alone. No cake. No candles. No flowers. No party. No dinners. My “closest friend” didn’t even bother to call. Sent a text. I always do something special when I know someone is having a birthday because I know how horrible it feels to have no one acknowledge it. I guess that’s my confession. More than anything else I want someone to celebrate my next birthday with me with a cake and candles. Silly maybe but it would mean so much.


I still smell like last night's Uber

What I learned surviving the pandemic

- Slashing my spending on restaurants and takeout. I am a pretty decent cook after all. - Making my own bread every week instead of buying it - Severing ties with frenemy. Life is too short for “friends” taking swipes at you. - Donating goods and food to local pantry is the right thing to do because I have more than enough. - Your place of employment honestly does not care about you one iota. - Your hobbies are your life. - Brand names and people who wear/drive conspicuous logos are all about trying to manipulate you. - When people can’t travel and are forced to remain still and local, and get depressed, it says a lot about them. - We have survived a global pandemic.

My dad...

... has had two overdoses that he had to go to the hospital for and now he's not the same. He was never all there but now he starts foaming at the mouth and yelling in conversations. If we go to a restaurant he'll argue with the staff being appropriate. My parents split up when I was very young. My mom has health problems and need someone to take care of her so I do that now. I've actually been doing it since he left not that it's abnormal to have chores in a household but I sort of wonder when I get a period of not everything working as if my magic I know that's not how life works, but I guess maybe this is cuz I'm slow I'm sort of realizing that it's never going to be like it was for all my peers whose family stayed together, whose dads didn't prefer doing drugs to staying at home. I've tried counseling, I've tried every class of drugs that physicians will prescribe, I've done the whole self-improvement weightlifting yoga hiking West coast lifestyle thing, and what I'm starting to realize is that none of it's ever going to kill the pain.

Is it mental health or real issues that anyone would feel?

I'm stuck in a shitty job in Vancouver. I am severely underpaid for what I do. I look at the real estate situation and feel totally hopeless. My family lives here, but I know that I have to move away to afford any decent life without being up to my neck in a mortgage. I just feel so angry though! The lack of control at my job and in my renting situation makes me feel so angry, anxious, and so depressed. Is this normal? How do people deal with it? I want to know because it feels so bad. I don't know if I can stay in this headspace.... and maybe that's how humans were designed to think? Maybe it's a signal to get out. How do people cope in the meantime though? How do you enjoy life?

Suggestions FOMO?

Not sure where to start... Facing a serious operation soon and worrying about pulling through, the surgery, and the long, arduous recovery process. I'm scared as hell and thinking about one thing in particular I want to do, but not sure how to go about it. I've dealt with sexual abuse, trauma etc. and other difficult experiences due to men, and haven't even tried dating in years due to those issues, and because of my chronic health issues. It's painful the loneliness, but I miss just being held. As a woman, anyone can just go on tinder for sex. That's not what I want though, just being held. It's so tough though still with COVID and it not being safe especially as I'm vulnerable and any infection could be bad for me being immunocompromised from a stupid autoimmune condition. I did get my my first covid vaccine, but it's still risky.... I guess it's just something I really want to do before this operation in case something happens or also if I get through it and the recovery that will be many months... So, what would you do? What do you suggest cause I have no clue...

Love triangle

I adore this person who has been chasing another. But I couldn't access courage and resorted to subterfuge and games. The whole situation is tarnished now, by my hand, and I don't even know what game I'm playing anymore. Only that I wake up every day with an unworkable hope that crumbles and resurrects. Time to start over.

forever alone

Even though we're allowed to have 5 guests inside our homes or gatherings of up 10 outdoors, I'm seeing no one, because no one wants to see me.


Two fun retired Postal Carrier friends

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