Cook because you gotta eat.
Send a card with photos to people around the world.
Dream of spring and flowers and summer and days on the sand.
Bar on the back burner, invite list loose in my mind.
Run. Not because I want to but it kills an hour.
Money used to buy fun and experiences, now it just accumulates without any personality.
Call my parents, they are fine.
Remembering dancing in clubs til my hair was soaked with sweat, completely present, not thinking of anything.
When I was young I focused on work wanting to save money thinking I could find someone once I'd done that.
When I was ready, most already had "someone" and others "weren't interested".
With time, age, looks & "Covid Rules" working against me, doubt I'll ever find someone.
Now all i see each day is "happy couples" everywhere I go (transit, stores, malls, along the streets) while I go home to an empty house.
Wish I'd spent more time looking for someone when I was younger instead of wasting it on working.
I have a vague memory of some kind of aerial tram in Stanely Park many years ago, but I don't remember where exactly it is. I don't even know if I'm misrembering it or imagining that there was one. All I do remember is standing inside a wooden cart suspended between two platforms in the woods and someone pulling on a rope to get us across. It was a very happy memory that I'd love to one day relive.
Watching my ex's dreams crash and burn felt exactly as positive as I thought it would. A weight really did lift off of me. I tried to be a bigger person, but they knew their actions wreck my dreams. An simple apology or watching their dreams burn, whichever came first was all I wanted.
I can't do the bare minimum work to get better so I spend a lot of time criticizing and blaming others. It's a constant cycle of doom. I want everyone to cater to me and my ego, the cost is of no significance. It's easier than having the courage to look at myself and my issues, that I'm a lonely man that thought I would have been settled down by now. Sadly I only managed to push everybody away by own idiocy and pettiness. Focusing and blaming others is easier but I want to change. I want to stop fighting my childhood battles through other people. I've accepted nobody would ever date me with my disturbing issues, now I need to work on not projecting my miserable existence on others and letting them live. Where to begin?
I didn’t think I had any hobbies. I’ve been pushing myself to try to find things to do that resonate for me and help me feel a better sense of self. Why is it so hard? Why does nothing seem to stick? Why don’t I know who I am? Over the holidays I was alone and the time allowed me to just be. It was a welcome and much needed cadence for the new year. And I’m only coming to realize I do have interests and hobbies, I guess I wasn’t able to acknowledge them because I have always judged myself to not be good enough. If I could just find that one thing, maybe everything would click and I would makes sense. Only in the past few weeks has something become apparent to me. Not everyone collects notebooks or specifically seeks out having a typewriter as a kid, and feeling a thrill each time GS publishes something you write. Not everyone does these things. I never understood when I met authors why they’d always ask, “Do you write?”. I’ve always assumed that everybody writes. Do you? Maybe writing is my hobby.
Things have been so sad lately that I put on 10 Carrot Diamond - yes, a children's song album from 1985.
Middle aged, only one freind (I do know she's busy what with being a single mom so I can't expect her to get to me always) anyways on disability (mental health shit) no girlfriend, stuck in a North Vancouver, bored, people ghost me, I attract the people I don't want to attract, sick of the internet & tv & you know it was even before the pandemic, time is running out & I can't take it (btw I have been told to join a group or volunteer or take a class yet people who tell me that don't do that)..... anyway that's all.
A year ago i had the worst broken heart. I lived with the hurt and tried to move on. Healing is hard. I was given constant updates on horrible things my ex kept saying. I tried dating. Hook ups. Horrible. I wished it were a bad dream. Then when i least expected it….BAM…. Someone AMAZING came along. Someone i never thought could exist. I cant stop smiling. I never knew LOVE before. I know that now.
I started a new job this year. And it's unlike any work environment I've ever been in. Their Covid protocols have been weak with no one wearing a mask inside an office of 20 ppl. Because of this, I am double masked, and feel like I stick out like a sore thumb. Normally I am very social esp. at a new workplace, but I don't want to sit and each lunch with any of my new colleagues because I'm so worried about Omicron. Those random coffee walks with colleagues of workplaces past? Just can't get into it even if we're all masked. A water cooler chat is weird with masks. I still do it to make an effort, but I don't feel like I'm getting to know people when I can't see 2/3 of their faces. And because their Covid protocols have been weak, people have gotten Covid, then they cleared out the office. WFH for the next month or 2 now. Suffice to say starting a new job with a pandemic in full throttle is a strange experience.