I’m going to end my relationship. Again. Some people just cannot ever be satisfied. This person is one of them. We’ve been through this same cycle for far too many years. Nothing changes. No matter how much I give, their needs are bottomless. It’s a lost cause. Last night was a tantrum they threw because I didn’t immediately drop what I was doing to acquiesce to their demand that I get them something from the kitchen. Apparently waiting for another couple of minutes was just too much, and that warranted a rant about how I’m not treating them the way they deserve. I know that I’m giving as much as I’m capable of giving, and that I’ve gone above and beyond for them countless times, but no matter what I do or how much I give, they always let me know that I’m not good enough. So obviously I should let them go find someone else who will be able to satisfy their needs. I’m completely exhausted and I no longer care to try.
But I find it increasingly harder to make an effort to get out of bed and make it all the way to the bathtub. What do you think?
I work at a fancy university and get paid poverty wages. I think I'm going to quit and move to another city so I don't have to live in a basement suite like I've failed at life.
Man, this city is messed up. The corporations are bad too. They don't recognize how badly they pay people.
After giving birth I've found my feelings of victim-hood grow proportionally to how short I cut my hair.
They work in a very dangerous profession and it's making them money sure whatever Yah! But it is also darker type work. Now it's coming back to me that family is also encouraging this to which I find shocking. I worry I've decided recently to cut them from my life (not the job at all) because I rarely to never see them anymore and when I do they are usually very hostile to me. projecting a ton of flaws that are theirs to wear not upon me and frankly I am finally just finished still love them just can not watch this out of control train anymore.
Well, I got it. 3 weeks now I can’t sleep at night.
Long time ago, in my 20s me and the guy that I was dating went to Mexico. We ended meeting a very nice middle aged couple from Texas, who were there to do some diving and spearfishing. They invited us on their yacht trip to just tag along; we could snorkel while they dove. They hired 3 Mexicans and this yacht and we all had an amazing day in the hot sun, in waters that were Scope blue. The Texans brought their catch back in the boat and the 3 guys grilled the fish which we all ate. The Texans were so generous and kind and hilarious and they wanted nothing from us but our company. They just had huge grins which I can still see. I don’t know why this memory surfaces at this time but the travelling, the serendipity, the friendliness, big heartedness and acceptance with no strings attached whatsoever appears like explosive colour in my mind during my very monotone grey days which are filled with doomscrolling and news riddled with hate and confrontation.
The minute I dump ‘em they get their shit together. Glad I could be of service. For once it would be nice if they could just not lose the best thing they’ve got. When will you people learn? Oh and if you had to “think” about whether this person was the love of your life, they probably weren’t.
Obviously, this can never go anywhere but this little crush I developed on a doctor who treated me (not my regular doctor) is a bit bigger than initially thought. Ah well. I'll get over it. Hopefully.
Maybe it's today's weather, the bland cloudy white grayness. I reflected on the past and I don't feel anything, good or bad. It's like when you stop being a kid and outgrow your teddy bear. Whatever I fought for is a dim memory, and was, I guess, the perfect distraction to get me comfortable with growing old single.
I'd like to say that I'm fine with me, or that I'm enough. That I give me what someone never could or better, actually. That I feel free of the responsibility of another. That I don't have to compromise, or miss out. With covid19, there's nothing to do, nowhere to go and nobody to interact with, so no FOMO. No drama, no disappointment, no broken promises, no failed expectations, no false hopes, no mind games, no having to try, no negotiating, no explaining, no waiting. The thing I tried so hard to have for so long wasn't rewarding to me. Or joyful. Or fun. It took from me and gave nothing back. It left me empty handed. It broke my heart and left me alone to grieve. I cried for what I could have back then, realizing my feelings never mattered anyway.
Funny how I thought about it today. I imagine those thoughts are mine alone, as usual.