Confessions

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Back in the old days

I was in a very abusive relationship when I was quite young. My first husband began beating me shortly after we got together. At that time in the 70’s we lived in a remote area. There was NO help for women like me, especially from the cops! Once he forced me out of our house late at night in sub-zero temperatures, without shoes or a coat. I had to hitch to the police, only to have them immediately call him to tell him to come and get me. Yeah. Things were terrible back then. Unfortunately, no one cared. My family sure didn’t. I was advised to “work it out” because that was my “duty”. Those days are long past, thankfully. He’s long dead, and I’m still here. I no longer believe that I’m obliged to tolerate abuse from anyone. At least that’s what I tell myself. It’s been a very hard road for me, because I didn’t know my own worth. As a child my father was very emotionally abusive to my mother and me, the only girl child. He was a complete misogynist. He believed that females only existed to fulfill whatever needs the males (including my brothers) had. He cheated on her constantly until he was too old to attract other women. He ignored me other than to let me know how awful I was and to complain that I wasn’t a proper female. I’m in my late 60’s now. I’ve raised my own kids and I’ve been married twice (I left the 1st one and the 2nd too) and now I’m divorced and live alone. I’ve spent my entire life fighting with myself for the confidence I need to succeed. To feel worthy of love, or even of being liked or respected. Every time I think that I’ve finally won that battle, something happens and I’m back to fighting the same old internal beliefs. Even my own children know how to beat me down, and they treat me like someone they don’t care about at all. I know that it’s me that I have to convince that I’m worthy of love and respect, but sometimes it feels like I’m always climbing the same mountain, and just when I think I’m at the top, I fall all the way back down and I have to start all over again. I’m really, really TIRED.

Cyclists versus the world!

It's so hard to be a cyclist in Vancouver. Drivers are terrible, there's dog walkers who don't give a fuck at all about their leashes or their dogs' behaviour, and it rains all the time. It is so muddy, dark, and slippery everywhere... but you know what? I love cycling. I am always going to fight you guys. We will win!

I changed my mind

At the beginning of covid, I use to think wearing masks was dumb. I hated it because breathing was difficult and ignorantly thought it was stupid. But now with covid still lingering and witnessing the statistics of covid, I realized people have loved ones who are susceptible to the covid virus. Its not a matter of protecting myself, its a matter of protecting other people. I realized I was just being selfish so I just sucked it up and just wore the darn mask . As a former non mask wearer I am starting to notice non mask wearers and realize how selfish and ignorant those people are. I hate wearing the mask but I became more mindful of others around me. I use to be anti mask but it feels good on the inside just to do my part. Now I think only selfish A-holes don't wear a mask.

Masky Smudge Face

I love wearing red lipstick but I can’t wear it with a mask on because it smudges all over the mask and my face. It’s annoying. I’m not a fan of the new lipsticks that don’t come off. I won’t complain too much though. I’d rather wear a nude lip than catch a deadly disease!!

Interested in having kids

But it's hard to find time to date between work. I think I should quit work and date for a while... have fun .. then get back in the game when we are a bit more settled and ready to have kids.

Crystal Ball

I don't have a Ouija board, a crystal ball or a tarot deck. I can't read tea leaves or palms. But I have been trying to unsuccessfully read my past, present and future on confessions for years. It sometimes seemed to be a hidden reservoir of truth... and it might be, but I think that truth is that I could use a therapist.

I didn't know

I didn't know he planned everything ten years ago. I didn't know he bought a house and was mapping out a family. Then I showed up and he took to me like a duck to water. From the way he went for me, I just assumed everything was up in the air. What did I awaken in him to challenge all of that so easily? How much denial did he repress to put that large an obstacle up, and how shaky was all those things that he'd still try to come back for me as soon as last year? The poor guy. I guess that's the price for lack of self awareness but what a price to pay. I don't know how I feel knowing all of this. I just learned the details today.

Help me out people

should I get up and do something or take another pill and go back to sleep. I haven't been up for 3 days. It's too cold for a bike ride but the sun is shining...

Resume gaps

I was on long term disability for two years and have just about finished a series of transition programs(former army); about 4 years of not working. I have started to apply for jobs and stated exactly what I have done these last few years as I have no other way to explain such a long gap on my resume. I am scared that no one will want to hire me. Thoughts of being repeatedly rejected keep coming up and they hurt like hell.

I SAW YOU

I fixed your car

Kay - you're a welder. You were at my shop and we chatted about your dogs little short legs...

EPITAPHS

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