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Isolation Self Conversation

It is the toughest part of the pandemic for myself, but one that I have been working on. Going out and being social is easy, coming home and re-envisioning peoples views of my interactions of them is exhausting and anxiety inducing. The amount of emails I DO NOT send now is progress. I don't text rambles, I comment less on things. But even two years later, on a good day with friends and new people I will come home curl up in and ball and think to myself that my view of everything going well was wrong and that every one probably hated me. I don't like mask socialization, but life is moving on. Masks and curling up in a ball are part of the day to day. Life moves on. :)

tiredeyes

sometimes, like right now, i get overwhelmed because my parents love me, and i never saw my mom, and now she always texts me, just to let me know that's she thinking of me and that she loves me. i had all this resentment, but i really wanted my mom to love me deep down. as a child, i just wanted her to come and see me because nothing was stopping her. i cried a lot after christmas because my dad apologized for hurting me and wished he stood up for me more, he realized that i was completely neglected. it felt really good to be loved by my parents, for them to acknowledge the past. i feel like a child now. i'm twenty six and i'm sobbing because i'm so relieved to be loved by my parents. i never felt this love when i was a kid. they were both drunk and yelled at us all of the time. my sister is estranged from our family and she's got her own issues, but i guess in a way i held it together well enough. i have a hard time seeing her and accepting the way that she cut everyone off, but i understand. i'll always be her sister who lived that same life she did. i screwed up on a lot of things but i haven't fallen apart quite yet. in some ways, i'm really lucky. i'm grateful for my family and this life.

A twin

You ever see someone who looks like someone you used to know ? Happened to me but it couldn't possibly be. They do say everyone has a look a like twin roaming around somewhere in the world. It makes you look twice. But again not possible its the same person yet an oddity just the same. Alternet Reality !

I came here to complain

I came here to complain, then jann arden - good mother and I sat there grateful. thanks for everyone who keeps me grounded so I don't feel the desire to escape this world during this time.

What to do in Phase 2

Cook because you gotta eat. Send a card with photos to people around the world. Dream of spring and flowers and summer and days on the sand. Bar on the back burner, invite list loose in my mind. Run. Not because I want to but it kills an hour. Money used to buy fun and experiences, now it just accumulates without any personality. Call my parents, they are fine. Remembering dancing in clubs til my hair was soaked with sweat, completely present, not thinking of anything.

Wrong Priorities

When I was young I focused on work wanting to save money thinking I could find someone once I'd done that. When I was ready, most already had "someone" and others "weren't interested". With time, age, looks & "Covid Rules" working against me, doubt I'll ever find someone. Now all i see each day is "happy couples" everywhere I go (transit, stores, malls, along the streets) while I go home to an empty house. Wish I'd spent more time looking for someone when I was younger instead of wasting it on working.

Memory Lane

I have a vague memory of some kind of aerial tram in Stanely Park many years ago, but I don't remember where exactly it is. I don't even know if I'm misrembering it or imagining that there was one. All I do remember is standing inside a wooden cart suspended between two platforms in the woods and someone pulling on a rope to get us across. It was a very happy memory that I'd love to one day relive.

I am a petty asshole

Watching my ex's dreams crash and burn felt exactly as positive as I thought it would. A weight really did lift off of me. I tried to be a bigger person, but they knew their actions wreck my dreams. An simple apology or watching their dreams burn, whichever came first was all I wanted.

Begin again

I can't do the bare minimum work to get better so I spend a lot of time criticizing and blaming others. It's a constant cycle of doom. I want everyone to cater to me and my ego, the cost is of no significance. It's easier than having the courage to look at myself and my issues, that I'm a lonely man that thought I would have been settled down by now. Sadly I only managed to push everybody away by own idiocy and pettiness. Focusing and blaming others is easier but I want to change. I want to stop fighting my childhood battles through other people. I've accepted nobody would ever date me with my disturbing issues, now I need to work on not projecting my miserable existence on others and letting them live. Where to begin?

Stylus

I didn’t think I had any hobbies. I’ve been pushing myself to try to find things to do that resonate for me and help me feel a better sense of self. Why is it so hard? Why does nothing seem to stick? Why don’t I know who I am? Over the holidays I was alone and the time allowed me to just be. It was a welcome and much needed cadence for the new year. And I’m only coming to realize I do have interests and hobbies, I guess I wasn’t able to acknowledge them because I have always judged myself to not be good enough. If I could just find that one thing, maybe everything would click and I would makes sense. Only in the past few weeks has something become apparent to me. Not everyone collects notebooks or specifically seeks out having a typewriter as a kid, and feeling a thrill each time GS publishes something you write. Not everyone does these things. I never understood when I met authors why they’d always ask, “Do you write?”. I’ve always assumed that everybody writes. Do you? Maybe writing is my hobby.

I SAW YOU

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