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It's hard being a survivor in the #metoo era

On one hand I'm happy people are being held accountable for their actions and I'm glad there's now a discussion on sexual assault, it's long overdue. But on the other hand you can never seem to get away from the painful reminders. You can't sit on the bus without seeing an ad for some sort of helpline, you can't read the news without seeing a headline related to the topic, you can't get away from people talking about highly publicized cases etc.. the list goes on. I'm coming up to the anniversary of my own rape, I'm counting years now and I have to say this is the hardest year. It's so easy to relive trauma through other people. I was one of the very few people that reported. Something inside you dies after rape but something dies again when you get the courage to report but end up being told there isn't much that can be done because it's nothing more then a 'she said he said' case. The world changed for me that day. I knew what happened to me, my scumbag ex knew what happened to me, even the fucking cop believed me but charges would just be impossible. I don't regret reporting though because there was measures put in place to make sure I'm safe, but to all the people that chose not to say anything - you did not make a wrong decision. It was a truly humiliating experience. I probably would have killed myself if I didn't have a good therapist at the time. So to all you other survivors out there - walk bravely. And remember you don't owe anyone your story.

It was just an apology

For some reason I suddenly got a voicemail from you with a notification even though it never showed up that you called. I’m still trying to figure out how that happened because you’re still blocked on my cell. It shocked me and I was unprepared. I did leave you a message with a sincere apology for my hurtful words, and I do mean it. It’s just that I strongly believe that since our breakup you moved on right away and to be honest I’m just too sick now to hear that from your own lips. Because I’m so sick I’m vulnerable and frail and right now I need all the strength I can get because I’m dealing with this all alone and it’s really hard. Thanks for the call but I just can’t call you back. I will love you forever.

On the Act of Speech

"I'm drawn to you." One would think a statement like that would have some sort of fidelity behind it. Those powerful words suggest the intended has some importance in the speaker's life. Well, not in my case it would seem. But it hasn't stopped me from being unable to forget the person or the words.

Typical Wish List

I wish my upstairs neighbour would stop stomping. I always want them to sit the fuck down. When they finally do, their TV is way too loud. I get no peace and quiet. Luckily I’m a raging alcoholic who parties til 5am and blasts music all night so I guess all is fair in love and war.

Two Face

My life right now is that quote from the Batman movie, "I guess you either die a hero or you live long enough to see yourself become the villain." I feel like I've turned into all the worst aspects of all the worst people that damaged me growing up. I know that if I were to be a hero, and true to that kind, sweet person that I was, that I wouldn't have actually let any of the drama damage me. I would still be a good person...but I've done so many awful things now that I don't really know if I can be a good person anymore. My impulses are the worst. How do you stop the fear, the paranoia, the psychotic thoughts and tendencies? One moment I'm the face of pure love, joy and peace in your arms...the next, as quick as a thought, I'm Pure Evil and explosive and unwavering in my anger and lashing out at you again. I don't know how to stop it. Can't I just land on the good side and stay there? I don't want to do these things. I don't like feeling like this. I want you in my life, but I'm scared that I'm too broken and all I'll ever keep doing is hurting you and letting us both down. I know who I want to be, but the devil in me is a freaking titan.

Olympic Village

What a horrible looking area. It looks like something out of a futuristic alien movie. I suppose glass and concrete are cheaper than bricks and mortar, and it looks it. Couldn’t live in a cubicle. Awful.

Scared

I’m in the midst of a medical crisis and because wait times are so long here by the time I get the treatment I need it may be too late to fix. I’m getting sicker by the day and I don’t have the strength to fight for myself. The medical system people I deal with are often really rude if you stand up for yourself, and I get it that I’m not the only sick person, but it’s my life I’m trying to salvage and I don’t even know how to do that without help from them. I’m losing hope.

42 year old with too great of a memory

I’m 42 now and every time I listen to the songs of my past, especially my grad year 94 I remember how exciting and cool we all felt. I remember dancing to Crazy for You and how I’d love to go back to that moment. I hated high school but I miss the only problem was did I get to hang out with the cool people. I did sometimes and I felt cool. I just want it for a few minutes. Yep, ima loser baby.

Wild Life

My ancestors were nomadic, forest dwellers. They didn't live in tree houses, but I feel like building one and living off the grid away from people.

Stop wishing, make actual contact

Nothing is worse than falling for a guy struggling to be out. They live so much in fear that they can't communicate directly. Instead, they rely on posting messages and responses in weird anonymous places...like on here. You don't know if it's him or someone else and next thing you know he's mad at you for stuff you didn't post but you can't call him directly to clear up the misunderstanding so you are stuck watching all the progress evaporate. He ends up hating you and getting all sad giving up and you are stuck hoping he finds your apology somewhere amidst all the other miscommunication on here by other guys and gals in similar distress. And you love him for having integrity and yet you want to scream because that same integrity means he won't use any communication so he doesn't arouse suspicion. Fuck me! I get it, though, so I can't judge and I can't find any solution to his satisfaction to accommodate, no matter how hard I try. I feel so helpless. I can't get him to hear me. He's getting it all wrong these days, too. He's missing out on what he wants by believing in the wrong posts and missing the right ones. I refuse to give up on him. I promised no abandonment. I'm just so frustrated. It's the 21st century...shouldn't we be passed this? Aren't there a dozen tech ways out there to be discreet at anyone's disposal? How do you convince someone that this is not communist Russia and the world isn't watching your every move? I just want a simple conversation! FML

Why the heck

is all the Asian traditional wear in the costumes section at Value Village?

Why?

Why oh why did Translink get rid of their tax incentive if you bought a bus pass you would be able to write some of it off for your travels to work and they axed it. They said not enough people use it. Fuck off corporate greed. They got rid of the free transit on Sundays for people with bus passes it keeps going. They will keep taking perks away and we won't stand up for it. I don't even use the bus pass but my brother did and he is really irked by it. It was 10 bucks off a month you could write off your taxes and they took it away. What a bunch of heartless jerks. Talk about greed that did not even affect them. I can't fucking believe it. It pisses me off because last year I got a bus pass for a month in May and got to write it off. Never again.

Cyclists : get a f***in bell!

So this stupid old guy full of self-entitlement comes riding beside me on a narrow portion of the seawall bike path...no bell to let me know and oblivious to the impending accident he could cause by riding so close to another bike. Anyways, no sooner does he pass that he suddenly slows down, as does a few others because a stupid kid is crossing. A crosswalk is nearby but does the even stupider parent watching sdo anything parental, like prevent them and control their child? No. Anyway, none of these numskulls on bikes bother to do the sensible thing like tell the kid to get off the damn path or warn the kid sound-wise. No. There gingerly slow down like it's a mindless goose and almost cause an accident behind them because the slowdown was sudden. The old guy then shouts "what am I supposed to do?" Use your fucking brains. If this was a roadway and you're driving,what would you do? You use your horn accordingly to warn off stupid people who jaywalk and to warn when passing. Bells cost nothing. They prevent accidents. Do here is my advice to you and every idiot who shows me that they know nothing about bike riding: INVEST IN A FUCKING BELL AND LEARN WHEN TO USE IT. Seriously. If you haven't got the sense to get one and know how to use it, stay home. But don't get bent out of shape when you show that you don't know what to do on the road or paths. Anyone got any other common sense things to tell stupid cyclists?

PMS

The worst thing about PMS is having a fucking meltdown over something stupid and knowing how fucking ridiculous you're being but not being able to stop the tears from falling. FUCK.

I Tried

Went on a date with a guy I met off Tinder. He was cute so I said why not. He just kept on talking about all of his accomplishments and how much money he had and was going to make. Didn't even ask me a single question about myself. How about ask what I like to do for fun or what my interests are? Check came and he said we should split it. Not a big deal just should let me know if you want to take me to an expensive restaurant on a first date. I would have been happy to go to White Spot or a less expensive place. I told him I am not going to pay for the bottle of wine because I don't drink. He did not like that one bit. Then at the end of the night he wanted to go back to his place which is actually his parents place. He was completely clueless. We had 0% chemistry and I just took a cab home. Some guys are just clueless in dating and need to be listeners instead of talkers.

I SAW YOU

Matt White Vs. Matte White Pipe

I've been sitting on two broken ass pipes for a very long while. I figured with the new...