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Can he hear me?

Sometimes I think I am crazy, other times I think I am dreaming. The man I love is gone away for at least a year and a bit, I won't go to see him...I'm not allowed. Our relationship is...special, he's the one I think about when I first wake up, the one I think about when I go to sleep - it sounds like obsession but it's not. This is the only place that I can write this where he "might" not see it. There are two other women in his life, three children, only two of which are his, he's a good man, he made some mistakes but at his core he's a really good man. By rights I should walk away, live my life and never think about him again, but the love I feel has wrapped itself around my throat and refuses to let go. I've tried. I'll be with him forever, I'll love him forever, but that doesnt mean I have to, or that I am willing to put my life on hold. I know the time will come when we get our chance, but it's the mean time that hurts, it's the waiting, not knowing and fear of the unsure-ness of it all. I am overly insecure, because I know he loves me, I know that we're on this really messy path, but it still hurts and I miss him. It's like...missing a leg, or an eye, it's noticable, they said that love isn't supposed to hurt but that's clearly a lie. Love hurts so bad that death would be a sweet escape...but that's not an option because I promised. This hurts. Any suggestions? Please try and make them funny...I could use some laughs.

Does anyone say excuse me anymore?

It's a minor gripe I admit. But when I'm riding transit folks just push their way past never taking a moment to be polite and say "Excuse me." I guess I'm old school but I think manners are important.

Real AF

Realization this AM: everything in my life that has actually caused me lasting pain was borne out of my inauthenticity... to speak up, to state my honest opinion/s, to share my real feelings/ emotions, to be active and participate. Being real is being honest and seen and knowing that whatever anyone else thinks, I am not responsible for it... only for living my own truth. I declare right here, right now that my days of being unclear, wishy-washy and catering to what I 'think' other people want, when it conflicts with my own inner knowing, are OVER!!!

Occasional

The only thing I miss about not being on Facebook is the birthday reminders.

This!!

News of the day.... 'Tenants on our own land': New Zealand bans sale of homes to foreign buyers! When is BC going to get ITS act together!??

Artist's Block

I was having trouble with creativity recently. Ideas weren't flowing, it's been like I've been making little puddles of colour without direction. I was stressing. I was pacing. But then I figured it out. The solution came from an unlikely source. I had a wild passionate affair with an old friend, and WOW, it worked wonders. I've never felt so creative. I've been sitting around on the floor in the studio making tons of art which is for the best because my legs are too wobbly to stand anyway. Goodbye creative block!

History

Having worked with someone for years I thought nothing of opening up my private life as we continued our friendship outside of the workplace. Women often talk about boyfriends or husbands, past relationships and family, their children and of course if they work together they have that in common as well. So I felt relaxed and let my guard down a few years ago but now am regretting it. Finding out more and more about this person in small doses but finding that my personal life revealed over the years is being used to belittle me behind my back at work . In some ways I understand that this is the only way she knows how to compete and that her character or personality must be damaged but she continues the friendship on the surface and so not sure what to do. Over the years our friendship has slowly become only a friendship as she has worked herself through her friends and contacts at work into a unique position and as an individual she is hoping to stand out enough to overcome her professional shortcomings on the basis of those relationships but I am hurt to realize that it seems she is determined to shut me out and will no longer even discuss real work with me. She pretends to work almost in another place for another employer rather than admit she strategically befriended and then betrayed me by portraying me as unstable at work when the truth is that my stability far outweighs her own despite my personal life.

Laneway House

When I first got to East Van in the 90s, all I ever wanted was to live in a garage with a futon, hotplate and toaster oven and make it my studio.

My adopted cat

My cats name is Kitteh. Its the one name you can say and she runs to us like a dog! She is adopted. The crackhouse across the street got busted last fall... and outside our apartment this little kitty stood on her back legs to reach up for a pet.. everyday.. she was there. I assumed she was a friendly kitty owned obviously.. what a personality. SO LOVING. So im on the bottom floor of apartment.. big groundlevel window with bars. We leave out a bowl of water on the patio and watch . .. she drinks it all.. Odd. Everyday we leave water and we decide to get food. She is so beautiful and petite and very young.. Underweight and hair not so big and sexy. I have the best little buddy.. we have the best little buddy. The apartment mananger even said everyone loves the cat .. we all know how it was abandoned.. and how loving she is. People call her the guardian because she sits and waits and greets people at the front door by just simply being. What a joy.

Busybodies

Got a complaint call from building management that I wasn't breaking any rules but to make me aware some behavior of mine bothered someone. How is it my problem if they are bothered and I'm not breaking any rules? Go talk to a shrink about it. Who is this anonymous coward using official channels to vent on their pet peeves? It's never just one issue. Every time you appease them on one thing just to 'keep the peace' they come up with something else. I am so sick of these passive-aggressive jerks trying to run everyone else's private life.

Help

Guys always smile and me in the elevator lobby or on the elevator. I know a smile doesn't always mean they like like me but they could. I was out with 6 of my friends and guys were always looking in our direction but the only guys that came up to us were players and creepers. The other guys just never came up to us and they are so our type. I wonder if I should do more. Its not fair for guys to have to do all the work. I don't want to seem like I am desperate because I am not but I could start a conversation. Guys please if your single and a girl smiles at you we do it for a reason and want you to come over.

Classy

My SO's father took them to that fancy sushi place for movie stars on their birthday without me.

PLUR

More deaths at the summer electronic music festivals, sure am glad I grew up (and always behaved like I had there).

Justice

It is always an eye opener to see that some people are still making opinion posts and comments on various crimes and advocating jail time for the person who commits that crime. Sometimes people are saying that a person who was given such and such an amount of prison time should get more. From personal experience in the criminal justice system let me tell you that not everything is as it seems. For one thing it is a lot more expensive to put someone behind bars than most people realize with some estimates of 100,00 per year Cdn or more. Many crimes are committed while high or drunk or in the passion of the moment. There is no deterring these crimes by setting an example. What about gang crimes? Through bargaining with prosecutors most times no one or one person does a sentence while everyone else in the gang lives their lives. And continues to do crime. The Canadian public has no idea and are unwilling to face the truth about our justice system and who it punishes and how. They would rather just say off and on "oh that person should have... gotten more time etc." which does not good at all. Alleviating poverty in Canada would be a good start on reducing the number of people being dealt with by the criminal justice system.

I SAW YOU

I'm Sorry

You struck up a conversation with me on the corner of Hastings & Renfrew. It turns out we...