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Trust is earned.

I've trusted the wrong men in my life. One owes me $440, one owes me $300, and one client owes me to the tune of $550. I'm trying now to get away from racist people in my life, and those who don't raise the bar enough. These are tough lessons and I don't know how I lost my self esteem and courage. I pray these folks get their own lives together. But right now, I'm praying for myself. Wish me luck in my independent, bold, motivated, self care. No more emotional blackmail.

Long rest

I think I’m just going to take a break from weed. Had too many gummies and joints this past week that I’m still trying to clear my head of brain fog. Still feeling lethargic but trying to work through it.

No thanks

A friend of invited me to one his drinking parties where lots of crazy things happen. Thanks for the invite, but no thanks. I realize now that these parties just ain’t my thing anymore. I’m retired now and living a sober life. My sobriety has never been any better and I would not change a thing about it. Looks like you’re gonna have to find yourself another drinking buddy. Good luck.

Pray for me

This was remarkably the absolute worst year of my life but I’m hoping to end the year on a different note. I’m handing in my notice today. I’m resigning from my job and flying to visit my kids and my wife. We separated earlier this year after she left me and they moved to Mexico. But that’s my fault and I plan on asking her to marry me, again. I put working non-stop over being a husband and a father, helping my wife raise our four young kids. I don’t want to lose her in this life time. Can’t wait to be with my family. I hope she says yes.

Marooned

I have never really felt at home in any of my apartments. It's hard to feel at home in a grey building surrounded by a bunch of strangers. Or in a basement suite where you live under a family. When I am out at night I look longingly into the windows of houses, and they like so cozy. I wish I had something or somewhere or someone in my life that felt like home.

you won't know until it happens to you

The amount of times I hear people say "I'd never put my parent in a home" makes me sad, mad, and exhausted, all at the same time. We never thought we'd have to make that choice, either. What people don't realize is that there is an end to the road of at-home caretaking, for SO MANY PEOPLE. Whether it's because they can't afford in home care 24/7, they can't afford to *quit* their jobs because they want to be the 24/7 caregiver, or they can't change diapers on an 80 year old, or their parent doesn't know them (or seem to like them!) anymore, or whatever. WE HAD NO FUCKING IDEA how life would take such a crazy, painful, horrible turn for the worst. We had no idea that the person who loved and cared for us our whole lives became a dead weight that took 3 people simply move from a bed to a chair. Try doing that at home without a bed, or a lift, or a wheelchair, or superhuman strength. So if you don't know, just keep the thoughts to yourself. You won't know until it happens to you.

fuck

Can manage as a B student easily. Can not for the life of me think or speak in front of entire class.. but is massively required by nearly all my classes. It's a hinder and I've been working on it for years.. but still, nothing comes up. I am marred by this and drop down to a C or C- just because I can't say a few sentences every discussion. Really.. crap.

Say What?

I've just learned that my hearing loss is a tad over the municipal policing and RCMP basic requirements. There goes that dream.

On Savings

As a young student, perhaps in middle school or high school I remember the question of what I wanted to DO with my life coming up. Do I want to be a doctor? An engineer? A police officer? I remember having vague ideas of what these careers earn. But no, I wanted to be an artist. I would be fine with little $. What they don't tell you though is it isn't just you! Soon you're 36, and your parents are old and they didn't save properly and you have a mentally unstable serial birther sister draining their finances and you have no idea how you're going to keep EVERYONE from the streets when no one dissuaded you from idiotically going into the arts. So you have to hide out on the other side of the world and never discuss money so everyone assumes you're poor or else you'll have to support them.

I Love

Christmas... Its the lights and the xmas music and the food, some sort of yummy special supper, delish desserts.. Oh Ya The most important part, the caring in people's hearts. Its just a magical time of the year. People just seem happier, humming christmas songs, holding the door for someone behind you, maybe saying hello to a stranger and theres more giving too because not everyone has the perfect xmas scenario set up. You do what you can to make it special, feel good about that. So Share and Love Large! Maybe my Christmas Miracle will finally happen this year. Maybe Everyone's will. Oh and its not about the presents! Remember That Too! Santa Knows :)

I SAW YOU

Walking with your dog

You were walking your dog with another girl on the street by Nelson Park and smiled and then said...

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