Confessions

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It’s pretty absurd

Working your ass of on a dying planet with no future. I just want to volunteer to help people and clean the oceans.

Forgive and move on...

I forgive all those who've ever hurt me, as well as apologize to all those I've likewise hurt -- dead and alive. I don't want to harbor anger, pain, or hurt inside of me anymore, and let it fester like a diabetic wound that never fully heals. I above all forgive myself, all my imperfections, and all my mistakes. I know I'm no saint. Every last mishap - be it big or small - has been a teacher; thus, I'm thankful. It's time to move on, mentally, physically, and spatially... and appreciate what I do have rather than pine over what I don't, and over "what ifs." I want to share love -- even with my worst enemy (for they, too, must must be writhing with pain inflicted upon them by others, or themselves!). I wish those who've come and gone from my life well; I wish myself well, too. No more looking back. No more guilt. No more "if only I'd have..." I also want to be proud of and openly wear my genuine flaws rather than spend all my energy on trying to mask them with fake perfection (a draining and never ending task). Peace to all, and to me, and to this world. What's done is done. Life's short -- and beautiful, if you choose to seek beauty in the ugly. I'm now at peace with me, and gone. Amen.

Space

I don’t know why but two acquaintances, whom I see twice a year each (meaning not a close relationship at all) like to bring up each time I see them how small my home is. Yeah, it’s small because I can’t afford anything larger in Vancouver. It’s 450 sq feet of condo. It’s paid off so I’m living pretty stress free. But for these acquaintances to bring it up and rub it in my face every 6 months sucks. I do t comment or question anyone else’s living situation. I guess they just need to feel superior over me in square footage.

Grown children

I miss everything about raising them. I wish with all my heart that I could have a do-over. Empty nest seriously does hurt. I miss my children…

Every Year

As much as I love the holiday season, I really hate some things that come with it. People just act so fucking crazy out in public. For example, especially around this time of year, when I'm at the store getting my regular groceries I just want to go in, buy what I need, and head home. Stores are understandably crowded, and yet some folks tend not to be paying any attention to their surroundings or where they are going. That results in getting cut off or run into multiple times (like 5 - 6 times) and these people don't even have the good grace to acknowledge it. And then there's the aggressiveness to get at things. I mean these are adults fighting over items on a shelf! I just shake my head and walk away. I feel like they need a good whack with a broom to wake them up. Every year it's just one giant cluster fuck I want to avoid.

I am not regretting my bold decision

I just disabled my Facebook account. I button mashed a new password and saved it before disabling my account. I don't know the password and I am cool with that.

I saw an old photo

of a beautiful girl sitting with my family while I was over at my grandma’s house today. And I thought “who is that??!!!” Upon closer inspection, I realized it is me at age 19!! And it made me feel wistful and sad because at that age, I never felt I was good enough or beautiful enough, and I was bullied a lot in school. But I literally did not realize how totally gorgeous I was and that my bullies were probably just a bunch of jealous jerks!!! I share this because so many young people don’t realize how amazing and beautiful they are, especially young girls, and how it really doesn’t matter what others think only what you think of yourself! I wish I’d just told them all to bugger off and gone for all my dreams….

Huh!?

I took my 10 year old daughter winter clothes shopping and she wanted to buy one toque with a white pom pom and also another of the same but with a blue pom pom. I asked her why and she said, "So that the blue pom pom and white pom pom can be boyfriend and girlfriend." I'm thinking :WHAT!? Haha, I don't know what that's supposed to mean...: Sometimes I really don't get my kid, but that doesn't matter. She may have some really strange and unfathomable ideas but I love her regardless. I ended up getting both because I felt it was practical to have two in any case.

Raise your kids better

A bunch of little shits at the park called me a lesbian yesterday. There is nothing wrong with being a lesbian but I'm not going to have that conversation with someone else's 8 year old. What bothered me was this older kid about 12 years old leading his little wolf pack trying to make them bully along with him. Snickering, calling me fat. I said that's not very nice. He mimicked me and said, "Fuck you!". I turned around and said. "No, fuck you!!" . His face dropped. Wasn't expecting that I guess. Not my proudest moment but it just came out. I asked him if he liked being a bully and if his friends liked being friends with a bully. They all went quiet his face turned red. Either embarrassed or wanted to punch me lol probably the latter.. I'd like to think what I said sunk in but they probably just called me a fat lesbian bitch as I walked away. Should have minded my business though. If I ever catch my daughter being a bully there will be very serious consequences. Teach your kids not to be little assholes.

im so tired

im so fucking tired of everything. i hate life. i hate my face. i hate my body. i hate my hair. i hate everything about myself. why am i so fucking ugly. why tf do people think im gay. im fucking crying myself to sleep wanting to just dissapear. im so tired of this fucking bullshit. i always get rejected. im always the one left out. im always annoying. im just so tired of verything. school is just fucking me over and i have no friends. even my parents begin to judge me. i become more and more angry at everyone and everything. im more and more sensitive. i just cant anymore. im so tired

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