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Running errands feels intolerable

All I can think about is how ugly I am. Even simple tasks like grocery shopping is challenging. I know these thoughts are not true but they overwhelm.

A couple bars

It's amazing how all it takes is the first couple/few bars of a song to recall a memory so vivid from 10, 20, 30 years ago you can smell the air of where you were and the breath of who you were with the moment you very first heard it. Could be a musky beer soaked pub, or Hunky Bill's Perogies from the old PNE fairs, or someone's favourite cigarettes and spearmint gum. Then, all of the sudden you find yourself either sobbing buckets or grinning like a duck eating shit, and a million shades of either ecstasy, anguish, or longing flood through your mind in a split second like a tsunami. If it's a lover, you can feel their arms around you. If it's a place, perhaps a rural rodeo at dusk, flickering ride lights and fireflies everywhere, or the graffiti-pained walls of a derelict gas station or dim bus. Then, when the moment dissipates and the song is over, and you come to your senses, you feel like you've just been eclipsed a ghost or trail of smoke in an arid desert you've been chasing after for decades, but never been able to catch. Scientists may've yet to find a way to time travel, but I think musicians solved it long ago.

Par-tay!

Recently, I made a connection with a couple who are into hosting parties in the basement of their home where everyone gets naked, drinks and play games like Cards Against Humanity and Balderdash. And then the real shenanigans begin! To say that this has been fun is the understatement of the year. I'm not sure how I got this lucky. Especially living in a place like Vancouver where this confession is guaranteed to get downvoted to oblivion by people who dream of doing the same.

They do know

I used to make excuses for my ex’s bad behaviour. I used to think maybe he just didn’t understand how it was hurting me and if I could just explain it to him he’d stop. But no matter how many times I explained nothing changed. My therapist made me see things more clearly when she said that if someone only behaves in certain ways when you’re alone with them, they know exactly what they’re doing. It was a lightbulb moment for me. If they know enough to hide it, they know that what they’re doing is wrong, so abusing you is a CHOICE.

Regrets

I’ve heard people say that we shouldn’t have regrets, and mostly that’s how I live. But when I think about it, I realize that the regrets I do have are always because of the times I didn’t listen to my own voice. I listened to the people who said I wasn’t good enough to want better. The ones who told me not to ask for anything. To settle for any guy no matter how awful he was or how wrong we were together. Marry him because you can’t just be a single woman. Wow were they wrong. So here’s what I say to any young woman now: don’t settle! Do what feels right in your own gut. Listen very carefully to your instincts because they’re going to guide you better than any other person ever could. Don’t seek perfection in a relationship but don’t settle for one that doesn’t make you sing either. If I had it all to do over, I would never get married. I would have done the things that were important to me, not the things that made my parents happy. I’ve made my peace with the decisions I made in the past because you can’t change them, but I will always be honest about my feelings now. If I had known then how huge a sacrifice I was making, I would not have made it.

Making friends is difficult.

I've tried. I've tried joining things, volunteering, being out and about on hikes and in cafes. I smile, I make eye contact. I try to come across as open but not needy or clingy. Perish the thought that anyone ever have any needs. There's an incredible unspoken stigma against people who struggle with loneliness or who don't have many friends. I'm trying to persevere and be optimistic. It's just difficult.

Not my secret

If you made the choice to do the crime against me, you don’t get to tell me how I have to react to it. You don’t get to tell me not to tell anyone. There’s no non disclosure agreement in a relationship, and if you wanted blind loyalty then you should have been someone worthy of that. If you’re so afraid of what people will think about you then be a good person for real! Good people don’t lie and manipulate and try to control the people they claim to love. Good people don’t try to blame their victim for their own actions. Good people don’t do what you did. I will talk about it as much as I need to in order to cope with the impact it’s had on my life.

Looking

… for a job. Frustrated. I have a ton of skills but have not landed on my feet. An acquaintance with very few skills quickly got a govt job with good salary and benefits. Happy for her, truly, but my engine has been revving for so long, and still, no job. Frustrated!

Mature consumption

I've come to the conclusion that some content -- books, films, documentaries, historical events -- should only be consumed when you reach a level of emotional and experiential maturity to appreciate it. Sometimes you've gotta re-consume the same thing over again multiple times at different points in your life, and you never absorb it the same way twice. I just watched a whole documentary about Pol Pot and the Cambodian Genocide, followed by another about North Korea's deadly Arduous March. Were I to have watched either as a kid (my parents were pretty lax about censorship), I admit I wouldn'tve understood a darn thing. I'm now in my 40s and shaken to the bone. The same goes for reading Fahrenheit 451 - and the Bible, and for researching the skeletons in my family's closet... etc. We live in an age where content is out the open like an Egyptian bazaar. I'm all for access to it all, but really, age does really make so many things relative/relevant. Also, the ability to discern good from bad quality content is getting ever more harder, yet it's so essential to helping us become better quality people.

A little dog...

I saw my ex today walking the dog they gifted me. I chose not to see the dog after we parted ways. My ex partner was walking with someone else. They did not see me. I stood in the corner of my building, watching the scene unfold. The apparition ended some 30 seconds later, as they were out of sight. I got home and noticed tears streaming down my face. I miss that little dog. No, I don't miss my ex, not comparing myself with the other person, not jealous, not wishing them any ill. I hope a little strand of my longing has reached out to my little doggie...to let him know that I still love him, even though he does not see me.

I SAW YOU

Guy who participated in Chinatown parade ...

I work nearby Chinatown and where I work was crazy busy after Chinatown parade on Sunday. ...

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