I'm wasting my whole life waiting. Waiting for my partner to come home on my day off so we can have yet another boring evening. Waiting until another shift at work starts, to make money that one day I can spend on travel. Finishing another worthless degree so that the future can be better. Waiting for my partner to realize I'm not feeling great so she can give me a cuddle and tell me it'll be okay. Lying in bed waiting for the day to end hoping the next one will be better.
What a pathetic life I choose to live.
I need to decide within the next month or two if I can afford to stay here. I am almost out of money, covid ruined my work. Do I sell everything, and go home to the east coast? Or do I bunker down, get whatever job I can, and continue to exist barely making the rent and food? I need to make a major life decision and have no one to talk to. I change my mind every day, I'm really stressed about it. I mean...what can you do when you just don't know what to do?
Soon after the pandemic started I started washing all my groceries as soon as I got home. I live with a frail senior with many serious health issues and was terrified that I would bring covid into the house on the groceries. For almost a year now I have been washing all my groceries with soap and water and throwing out all the cardboard boxes that products come packaged in. This usually takes me one and a half hours to do after a large shop. I know that my fears are largely irrational but I can't seem to stop. I know it's a massive waste of time and probably unnecessary but I have come to the conclusion that I will probably continue doing this until both of us have been vaccinated.
I met a really sweet girl recently and I have a gigantic crush on her. She told me the other night that she’s too fucked up emotionally to get into anything serious. I have a feeling it’s not as much that as it is the fact I’m a raging alcoholic and hang out with crazy, toxic losers who do piles of drugs and get in fights. Time to clean up my act and get new friends.
I confess that one of the worst decisions I’ve ever made was to sell my place, thinking that I’d be able to buy another one. I lost my career many years ago, and because of the financial crisis happening at the same time I wasn’t able to find a new job. So I sold it (made a great profit) and rented, assuming it would be a temporary situation. It wasn’t. Thanks to the massive influx of foreign buyers and crooks into our housing market, prices escalated into the stratosphere and I’ve been renting ever since. Now I’m a senior living in a precarious housing situation, wondering when (not if) I’m going to be homeless. My advice? If you own your own place, don’t sell it unless it’s truly the last resort.
about sex. I just don’t really crave it all that much. I do get horny and masturbate occasionally when the mood strikes, so I wouldn’t say that I’m asexual or low libido. I just don’t really like doing it with a man (I’m a heterosexual woman). I’ve had quite a few boyfriends and mostly I always felt like sex was more for them and we never really connected that well sexually. It was always like even my pleasure was for them to turn them on and reassure them that they’re ‘good in bed.’ So I faked a lot of orgasms.
Padded Bras. Invisible bra straps. Well, I've been prancing about with a ball of socks in my undies. I can deceive just as well.
Im talking about the music. I really hate it. It sounds so freaking boring and redundant. Sadly, one of my best friends is ALL ABOUT the blues and wont shut up about it. I mean, I respect pretty much any musician, but man... the blues sucks.
my 90 year-old grandma is an ass hole. She lives alone in the huge West Van property that my grandfather paid for, collecting his pension, while the rest of the family struggles to get by in Vancouver. She is completely dependent on my parents and makes them drive across the city twice a week to bring her groceries and do chores around the house. She has no friends and fights with people all the time. She tried to tell me that I should move in with her and became extremely angry when I politely refused. Everything is about her and she does nothing for anyone.
I came off as petty or jealous when an ex took a chance on a business venture a few years ago. Maybe I was. But my vocalness came from a place of truth. The area was slated for redevelopment and that was likely why it came available. The new adventure with the new relationship was short lived. COVID was the first blow, and now redevelopment is in full swing. A friend tells you the truth, even if it hurts, a person trying to get laid tells you what you wanna hear even if leads to financial and personal disaster.