I’m this close to killing myself, and then I keep saying Autumn is coming, Sweet sweet Autumn is coming.
I got a $4 an hour raise a few months ago. I was semi-proud and told anyone in ear shot that it was likely a product of retention towards new employees. A boss took me aside and said something I was not expecting. I got the raise because I am honest to a fault. What sold them was a higher up saying point blank "I don't like the guy or anything about his personality, he f-ing annoys the hell out of me. But I trust him. Coming to work, I know what I am going to get from him and he always delivers. If he f's up, he takes ownership even when it is not in his interest. No one else does. That is the kind of person I want in my daily life."
I feel like I was happier in 2021 when things were more shut down and isolated. I felt joy at small things like texts to long lost friends, a flower patch in the sun, seeing the sun poke through the trees in the forests, cooking (which I had always hated and considered a chore and a bore). This year, things have reopened and re-entered society, but my happiness is much lower. I don’t feel connected to people in conversations, the crowds and prices of going out are draining, I’ve resumed my hobbies but feel I’ve plateaued. To chase happiness, I am failing this year. Elusive, mythical happiness. It’s not around the corner. I feel like I’ve lost the knowledge and blueprint of how to make myself happy.
I feel like the biggest screw-up. I'm constantly f'ing up and feel like I should just quit life. I don't mean to but I piss my partner off and do things that they have every right to get mad at me about.
Streets change. People change. Somehow in 40 years the feel of summer sizzling on the Van-city sidewalks always makes me feel young like the first one and everyone after.
I detoxed in 2019 through a new start program after battling to get myself help for 17 months of violent self destruction. I am one of the stats of 2019 who did not pass. There were 948 deaths in all of 2019. Through out the pandemic I have been a vocally person to my resources that online supports and pre-recorded nothingness is not an effective solution to the crisis. Zoom chats were much needed in 2020 when isolation was new. But as 2021 turned to 2022 and many services found it easier to go online rather than re-open their doors the crisises has not once gotten better. we are causing this. humility sucks when solutions like an app saves 50 people whereas in person services had saved thousands. I'm an addict. always will be. give me in person services or give me death.
I feel like an idiot for compromising and letting myself be manipulated in order to get into someone's bed. The sex ended up being mediocre and just another control trip for them.
I almost passed out today from anxiety in line at life labs where there were probably about 30 people waiting . My toddler has autism and was absolutely losing it. She looked possesed by a demon and screaming bloody murder. The glares from people and shaking their heads, rolling their eyes.. I honestly wanted to just die right there.. finally we were seen and the woman was trying to explain how to do the at home stool sample for my daughter I couldn't hear a word because my daughter was screaming so loud. I just said, "Okay, sounds good, thank you!" I couldn't want to leave. I was actually shaking and getting tunnel vision from panic. A woman held her hand out to me as I was leaving and held mine as a kind gesture which was nice. When I left the building I broke down in tears sobbing uncontrollably. Being a single mom is tough sometimes. I don't know how I'm not in the psych ward sometimes. I just tell myself it will be okay. It will be okay, right?
I work in retail. My store is very popular with the film industry. I swear these film guys are the most entitled, whiniest, ego centric people i have ever met. This guy storms into our shop today, barks his order at me and continues to talk loudly on his phone. Unfortunately, what he wanted was not in stock but we had more in the back. Problem is I dont have the key and the boss is not in. Film guy starts going off about how much money they spend and how the boss should come in right away to serve him. I apologize and tell him he will have to wait till tmrw. He flipped his lid and starts cursing and whining about how its so important and it cant wait. He also threatened to tell my boss i was unhelpful and rude LOL. We have cameras dude, and besides my boss knows i would never be rude to anyone, even an asshole film guy.
The thing is, if he was nice i would have tried calling the boss. But im tired of accommodating these idiots. Im not impressed with your Hallmark movie of the week bro. Go flex somewhere else.
One of the worst things about having a chronic illness is knowing that your condition makes you unreliable at times. I hate being that person who lets other people down because I’ve had to cancel plans. It’s one of the reasons I tend to isolate myself, because I can feel their annoyance and frustration with me. I don’t blame them because I’m annoyed and frustrated too. So I feel like I shouldn’t even bother trying to make new friends, because I know that sooner or later they’re going to dump me because of it.