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I confess

Ever since I was twenty or so I gave had a recurring dream about my death. As I age occasionally the dream recurs and each time I get a little more information, the dream is slightly longer. Now I get around a minute or so leading up to my death.

F#ck your ugly sweaters

I was invited to a Christmas party next weekend and I just can't. I don't understand how others can. It's not that I'm anti-joy or even anti-social I just am weighed down by all the shit going on and I feel it all so deeply. I weep so easily. My relationships are suffering and I feel mostly alone.

What’s wrong with me

I can’t move on from people, they can screw me over, steal from me, or use me and still I just want to run to them and be held and feel better. I can try to move on for months on end but the feelings always there somewhere inside and I don’t understand why, someone with any dignity would never talk to these people again, and even if I refuse to let myself talk to them I know if they reached out I’d probably go running right into the fire to get burned once again

This pandemic

has given me a mental disorder. I sit for hours and look through my hair for split ends and pull them off until my neck and back ache and my mind goes completely numb. I can’t stop.

Dog commentary

Being a dog owner,I of course take my dog on many walks. My Pug is 11. People always stop to say hi,ask how old he is etc. which is all fine. The part I don’t get is “oh,mine lived to 10,mine lived to 12,etc,etc. Yes,that’s what I want to hear on my walk. ...how my beautiful dog only has a year or two left. Seriously.

Annoying Dream Confession

Any time I dream about my boyfriend it's super stressful but when I dream about one of my exes, it's always very sweet and positive.

Small Talk

I have been working in customer service jobs for years and one of the required skills is ability to engage in small talk. A question I get asked, sometimes multiple times a day is, "How is your day going so far"? Usually when I have just started work, and have only been awake for a couple of hours by that point; or when I'm really busy, being run off my feet and am clearly stressed out. The only real option is to cheerfully answer "it's fine thank you". Nobody wants to hear that I'm stressed out or tired. It infuriates me when I get asked this question, I guess because it is so inane and thoughtless.

Truth be told

I just learned the truth about what really happened to my childhood security blanket. Turns out it wasn’t accidentally left behind at that motel my family stayed at that night. My Mom just confessed that she told me that because that decided that 5 years old was too old for a blanket. I’m 68 and it still hurts me to know that they denied me even that comfort.

Kill the Singer

I despise my sister's fiance and I can't conceal it any longer. He doesn't even consider her to the point where he takes the car to see friends while she is forced to carry home heavy groceries for 30minutes, in the rain. He is using COVID as an excuse to keep her from her family and friends, while his "bubble" seems to include whomever he wants to socialize with. She is joyless from working all the time to support them as well as taking on all of the household chores because he is "focused on his music". He controls their social calendar and prioritizes holidays for his relatives only. If I want to see her these days, I have to expressly invite her over to my house and even then he comes along and is surly and miserable and an uncomfortable cloud hangs over his area the entire time. The only thing worse than how he treats her is that she said "yes" and actually wants to spend the rest of her life living like this. I am worried as I haven't seen her smile or her eyes shine in all the years she has been with him.

A Long Time Ago

I was a normal person. I wasn't always a hermit. I built this cave, the filth, the pallid complexion and the mumbling over the past decade, but before that I was just a simple guy who liked a young woman. She smelled good and she was spontaneous and fun. I knew this was the woman for me... but unfortunately she didn't feel the same. So I did what any normal guy would do and I fled into the woods and built my lair of shame.

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