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the real end

I had a beautiful relationship with someone recently, but we had to end it (even though neither of us wanted to) for very complex reasons not worth hashing out here. He wanted us to still stay in texting contact, but I asked for a no contact rule so that I could get over him faster, and he could focus on what he needed to focus on. I've missed him deep in my bones, and I've resisted texting him SO much over the past few months, but I've known it was for the best. It was tough getting over him (or more accurately-it was tough getting over "us"), but slowly I did. I started dating someone else, and the urge to text him became less and less, and when I thought of him it was with affection and happiness for what had been, as opposed to sadness for what *could* have been. So....when I started reading this book, and it reminded me of him constantly, I thought-what's the harm in texting him a book recommendation? And then I realized that when my iPhone deleted all my contacts for the last 3 years, that that included him. And that I had deleted all our conversations on iMessage so that I wouldn't be tempted to read them and then text him, so there was no record of him in my phone. And that I thus legitimately can not ever text him again...that I have no way of getting ahold of him. It seems crazy in this day and age...but it's true. And even though I know this is probably a good thing...I have felt sick in my heart all day. He will never text me, because I expressively asked him not to. So this is truly, truly the end. My confession is that even though I should not be, I am sad. I guess I still miss him more than I was admitting.

A Featherless Bird

A few years ago, my partner told me he wanted to end our relationship. I had been with him since I was in my 20s. I asked him point blank if it was because he was interested in someone else. After he denied it, I caught him. I was shattered and I confronted him. He ended it and I told him I was fighting for us because I love him. I forgave him and we stayed together. But sometime in the last year I fell out of love with him. I stopped lusting for him. I feel like a wingless bird. I see blue sky up there, but I can't get to it. I can feel the wind, but I can't fly in it. What if this betrayal has pulled the feathers off me and I can never fly again, with him or with anyone else?

I know this is the most childish,

immature, unimportant confession ever. I was pleased when I heard that Ariana Grande had split with Pete Davidson. There was something infinitely creepy about them as a couple.

Skeletons in their closet

My father had an affair. When my mother found out, ahe forbade him from speaking with the woman. When his lover tried to contact him my mother accused her of harassment and sent the police to threaten her. So the women could never speak to my father again. And my father was too afraid of my mother (and of facing the consequences) that he never reached out to that woman. How do I know this? Because my half brother recently found my brother and I so that he could try to find his roots. I cannot even look my parents in the face anymore. How could they have been so heartless and cruel?

Why I write

I sometimes resort to writing to certain people in my life about difficult situations, instead of talking to them directly. I only do this when past experience with them has shown that I won’t be able to offer my own perspective in a verbal conversation, because I’m not willing to engage in a shouting match, and I’m not willing to resort to personal attacks instead of focusing on behaviour and actions. These are people who routinely rant and talk over me, telling me all their reasons why I’m to blame for whatever the situation happens to be, without allowing me the opportunity to provide my own side, or to even defend myself. I have C-ptsd and being in that type of confrontational situation causes me extreme anxiety to the point where my heart races and I begin shaking violently, making it virtually impossible for me to be able to even form rational thoughts to attempt to respond. So often I need to leave or end a phone call so that I can regain some physical control and be able to process what was said. Once I’ve had a chance to think about it, I sometimes try to communicate by writing, which to me is much better than yelling and insulting someone. I always try very hard to be respectful about what I say, and accept responsibility when I believe I’ve been wrong. So if you don’t want me to write to you, I’d be very happy to have a conversation that doesn’t involve me being a target of a rant, you yelling constantly, and does permit me to say my part too, without me having to shout over you. It’s so frustrating when I feel that the people who do this appear to think that no matter what they say they’re right, because I can’t get a word in edgewise to contradict them!

Ediliberto. T. Eddie. Blue BMW suv

You drive by me three times screaming that I'm dead. But I'm standing on the street and you're driving away. I'm standing right there, alone rough guy. What's the problem? Oh, yeah, cowardice. Wow. Weak.

I like Toronto

And Trump. And chicken factories.

If I had known...

I don’t regret having my kids. However if I had known that I would develop Crohn’s disease, and how much pain, surgeries and life altering it would become; I wouldn’t have had any kids.

Suicide...a taboo topic.. at least at a dinner party

Why don’t suicidal people tell people how they are feeling? Yes, in hindsight people remember certain hints..but why aren't they so upfront about it. That’s a question that’s posed every time someone commits suicide. Here is the answer: because it’s embarrassing and there is a fear of being judged and not believed. Most people are not believed. Suicide isn’t something that just happens, even though it may be shocking to family and friends. It progresses over years, sometimes decades. It’s embarrassing to tell anyone that you are feeling suicidal. I made that mistake, I told my sister and she was so weirded out she didn’t talk to me for 5 months. That sounds heartless, right? Well it’s not. That’s a normal reaction that people have…. it’s an uncomfortable topic. I was so embarrassed after I told her. I’m embarrassed to tell anyone else. Even my counsellor or my doctor. It’s a deep feeling of shame, that yes, I feel like such a failure that I rather end my life then continue. That’s why suicide always seems “sudden”, but as someone who has dealt with suicidal feelings since I was 14, and I’m 37 now, I’m telling you its progressive, it's humiliating, it is deep feelings of gut-wrenching fear, shame, and yes guilt. It's a feeling of sadness and hopelessness that never really leaves. It comes in waves. Is my life worse than that person living on the street or people in 3rd world countries...how weak am I? There is nothing outwardly wrong with my life...I'm educated, I have a career, I have a home, I have a family, I have friends...I'm an all-around normal person..right? Tell my thoughts that. I've tried...I've tried therapy, medications, meditation, affirmations..that feeling fades for a bit but comes back in a shocking rage. I’m so afraid of death that’s the only reason why I haven’t done it. I’m afraid of what comes after? What if I fail at my attempt and I end up a cripple? What if it’s not as peaceful as I think it is and I die in agony? Those terrifying last moments…but then I think, well even if I’m in agony for a few hours….is that not better than more years of feeling like this?

Alright dudes, real talk

You want to know the truth? Yeah, women do care about how much money you make, and how attractive you are, and how big your dick is. It's pure logic. We don't get paid as much as you, and even if we're an exception when we meet, our careers aren't going to progress as fast, we won't get the marriage bump in our salary, and the bare facts of biology mean our careers are going to get derailed at least somewhat by a pregnancy. Social roles being what they are, we're probably going to end up doing most of the housework, and all the household management, and being unpaid therapist to your emotionally crippled, uncommunicative self, while still dealing with all the extra headaches of shitty experiences of being a woman in this world. And statistical probability is that if she ended up in the role of the breadwinner, your lazy ass isn't going to go all wifely and do all the cooking and cleaning and childcare and planning and housekeeping that women keep up. Also, most of you are pretty terrible in bed and have no idea how to get a woman off, and think sex starts and ends with your boner. So yeah, if we know we're probably going to be dealing with all that crap no matter what dude we end up with, we're going to try the best we can to find a guy who will at least ease some of the financial burden, actually turn us on with their looks, and has enough in the pants for us to work with. If you don't have any of that going for you, you might want to get on board with that whole feminism thing and start creating a more equal society. Until then... well, these are the gender roles we got.

I hate politics

I really hate politics. I just don’t think in the way that seems to be necessary in order to like politics, no matter where you find it. However, I’m so appalled by the allegations about vote buying in our upcoming election that I know without a doubt who I will NOT be voting for, without even knowing anything about their platform. I don’t believe that any politician really has the intention to live up to election promises anyway, but at this point I’m going out to vote specifically against these people.

marijuana now becoming legal

I must confess to a long-standing relationship with smoking weed, beginning at age 14 and continuing until I was about 30. Then quit and took it up again in my forties. I had gotten a number of physical ailments for which there was no relief and this type of chronic pain is more than most people can manage with just over the counter acetominophen and the like. Well considering that it has always been illegal and I never bothered to get the medical license as it was unnecessary it is going to be a relief not to have to worry ever again about being arrested. That is good news. What is not good news is the way the legalization is taking place as many have commented. Those who risked so much and gave so much to patients should at least be acknowledged by the current system for their value which is great. People who worry about legalization should try to remind themselves that usage was very high for many years despite all the money that it cost taxpayers to pursue the so called criminals. The medical use is real and valid while the recreational use has potential medical value and is also a great replacement for the dangerous use of alcohol. No one should ever drive while high or drunk so legalization will not change the behavior of stupid people unfortunately. Growing your own weed in a responsible manner is possible and should be the right of everyone until proven otherwise. It is one way to beat the high cost of a product that is often essential to the daily functioning of individuals for medical reasons and can be an effective drug without many risks if used correctly, providing an outlet for many.

To the english-accented #20 driver who works afternoons...

My friend, you are a SAINT. This woman in a wheelchair got on the bus today and was SO rude and inappropriate to you and you just rose above it like a pro and wished her well. Borderline abusive she was and you were nothing but friendly! I couldn't have done it; hats off to you!

Work confession

I wish I were one of those people who could just work for the paycheque and not care what I did to earn it. If I were, I'd be able to continue working where I do now and listen to the constant whining from coworkers about how it's better elsewhere (but of course, they stay). Instead, I need to do work that pays me well enough to pay my mortgage and keep me fed, clothed and somewhat travelled, while at the same time giving me some sort of personal satisfaction. Thus, I have an interview today for somewhere where I hope the people aren't as whiny as they are here. And if they are (which is likely), then at least I won't be as invested in the culture as I am now (after 15 years).

My Bike

Was stolen a couple of months ago, in the middle of the afternoon in front of a busy grocery store, I was inside for all of 20 minutes, it had highly rated Abus U-lock on it, none of that was enough to deter the asshole who took it. I have been careful with my new bike, I use two u-locks now, expensive ones, I registered it with 529 Garage, I try not to leave it unattended for more than an hour at a time. I know that's still probably not enough. Going over Craigs List and stolen bike sites online, it really depresses me, the sheer volume of bikes that are stolen in this city. There are back-alley chop-shops all over the downtown east side, the police don't seem to give a crap. It's ridiculous, can't they start a bait-bike program? I heard that worked really well in Victoria, maybe crack down on some of the chop shops? I can't afford to drive in this expensive-ass town and I don't like riding transit. Losing my bike had a serious effect on my livelihood I wish the VPD would at least make some token effort to curb the problem.

I SAW YOU

Helped me rescue an injured pigeon

You have dark hair, a tattoo of a cross on your neck and were wearing a green top and green shoes...