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The drugs don't work

The distractions that used to keep me entertained are no longer working. They just don't do it for me anymore. I know I need to fill my life with real things that have meaning for me. But there is a giant valley between my current life of numbing distractions, and the life of purpose and connection that I want to create. The gap just seems to big and requires too much energy, I don't know if I can make it.

A Haunted House Story

Over 100 years old, an old house lives and breathes in a darling neighbourhood in Vancouver. Single pane and stain glass windows. Ladybugs visit each year and crows caucus often in a tree nearby. Original wood floors that sing a chorus of creaks at each step. A stunning view of the mountains and rooftops for miles. There was a moment in the kitchen after receiving the end of tenancy notice where I thought, "I never want to leave you." Suddenly the front door swung closed. A loud slam. Must have been the breeze. But I cried, happy and heartbroken because perhaps the house wished I could stay forever too. And what a strange story that would be. A haunted house where no one was allowed to leave, but everyone wanted to stay. In some ways, I wonder when we die if we get to choose where we go. I would imagine myself there. A strange ghost that opens windows on hot summer days, washing delinquent dishes and putting a kettle on the stove ready for tea when someone comes home.

Yeasty Flakes

I love nutritional yeast. I LOVE IT. I go through mountains of yeast. Yeast on pasta. Yeast on veggies. Yeast on everything!

stickin it

I will never stop calling children boys and girls despite what our educational leaders tell us to do.

I learned this about recovery

Don’t waste your time talking about recovery and addiction to people who think it’s all about will power or lack thereof. It’s a no-win situation, stick to groups of your fellow addicts (AA, etc), your doctor, addiction counsellors. There is a lot of support out there, but beware those that want to sabotage you.


I confess that I love all the conscientious people, they are so vanishingly rare. Had to deal with two people this week who screwed up royally, causing others a huge amount of inconvenience because of their actions. Instead of accepting they screwed up, apologizing and moving on, you know, the adult thing; I got a litany of lame, lame, lame excuses, scapegoating and diverting the blame. You screwed up, deal with it, I screw up, we all screw up sometimes, it's part of being human, stop trying to make it not your fault! Anyone over the age of 10 should know how this works.

Last of the Candy

So I was going thru the last bit of the Halloween Candy Bowl and it seemed to be all these Kerr Suckers, in the bottom of the bowl, So I thought ok, I'll try one. Dam those things are gross. Threw them right in the garbage. Yuck. I now Hate Suckers." Spit "Yuck U never know what your going to get in your tricker /treat bag. Now it was free !! Except for all the stairs and walking.

Dont know

I know 2 girls. The first one, i had a great relationship with. We split up on good terms, kept in touch, still love eachother. BUT.. she doesnt know where her future will lead. The second girl, i have so much respect for. Im pretty sure, if it wasnt for the first girl and the left over feelings, i would probably have just as strong of feelings for her as i do the first. I need to make a decision. I feel like the local girl is a good option, because shes awesome and theres no location issues. Bit then i think about it, and i love the girl thats on the other side of the world better Then i think the local girl is more reliable, Then i wonder if i would stay loyal to the local girl if the other came back. Dont have the slightest clue how to proceed.

ol' Ed Norton

I randomly came across a very recent video of Norton talking about videos in a video store (those still exist?) on youtube. He looks so old!! Eye bags, double chin, jowls. He's only 50 too, that's 14 years older than me. I watched the video for a few minutes and then spent 10 minutes looking at myself in the mirror. Shit, shit shit!

Strangest hookup

Well, we didn't call it hookup in those days. When I was 20 I was on my way to Mexico from Canada and stopped in L.A. to visit a school friend who had spent a year in Canada when her parents bought a vacation home there. We were always kind of sweet on each other, but were going out with others when we knew each other so nothing happened. Nothing happened this time either; she had a boyfriend and I had a girlfriend back home. But we went out to the philharmonic together and to a concert. Her bf was kind of jealous so one Friday afternoon he came by and said "there's a girl at work that says she's going to go out to a disco tonight and meet some guy to get laid. I told her that could be dangerous, you never know who you'll end up with." Then he looked at me and said "Do you want to meet her ? I told her there was a good looking young guy staying over here." I agreed and later that night she came and picked me up. She was about 30 and kind of plain and a little plump, but what the hell. So she took me home and thoroughly used me. The only thing she didn't want to do was get oral, but she agreed to do me after the um....first two rounds. We did this for two nights running on her black silk sheets on her water bed then she bought me a carton of Marlboro and dropped me off at the highway on-ramp for Phoenix Arizona.

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