When I think back to some of the obviously rotten things he did while we were together sometimes it’s hard for me to understand why I kept making excuses for staying with him. One of the really lousy things was this habit he had of never saying anything positive about any picture of me or my family or friends if I showed him one. No matter how old the photo was and even baby pictures, he would find something critical to say about it. I’ve been trying to recall any time he said anything nice about any picture that he didn’t take himself and so far nothing. Someone accused me of being obsessed but they don’t understand how completely devastating to a person being so emotionally traumatized in multiple ways for so long can be. How much it changes your brain and how long it can take to recover once you’ve broken free from that person. So I’m not obsessed with him because that part is done for good, but I’m obsessed with learning why it happened, how it happened, and how to make sure it never happens again.
I want to quit my job SO much. If I wasn’t so desperate for that paycheque I’d do it tomorrow. I’m sick of working for someone who shows so little integrity. Someone who constantly changes his mind about everything. He says he’s going to do something and then he claims he never said it. There’s almost no one left working here anymore, and at the rate he’s going he’s going to lose me and the rest of his clients too. He thinks he can just do everything on his own, but I’m the one who is left trying to do a good job with no support. I’m so depressed and feel completely hopeless.
I had a vivid dream that the woman ive been madly in love with since 2017 walked up and asked me to join her for coffee.
Then pow, i wake up.
She knows, she knows.
I am mellow and I apologize a lot. I have mittens and like the snow. When I see our elected officials picking fights with everyone in Canada, online and around the world I don't get it. These aren't Canadian values. They don't represent anybody I know. Canadians I know are sweet, loving people who say sorry.
I work as a teacher. High school. I am preparing to quit. I loved this job but its worn me down. Sure the admins could be more supportive, yea parents could be less demanding but its the kids. They are becoming worse and worse. They have no respect for adults or anything. They are full of hateful language and basically a bunch of bullies. Before you say it, the girls are as bad if not worse. I swear being a “mean girl” is trending. You should hear how they talk about each other. Its disgusting. The boys are incredibly racist and openly joke about rape and sexual assault. Im so done. I can’t anymore. I feel sorry for future of society. When these kids grow up they will make todays Karens look like angels. Im sorry. I tried I really did. I quit.
Often I wonder why life is so hard. I get bullied by the man in the top of the hierarchy. I feel preyed upon when exposed to men I don’t know. Things of value get stolen from me by others who are looking for an easy win. I then watch animal documentaries; the kind made by Nat Geo. And they’re comforting; the human world is just as brutal and competitive as the red animal world. Opposing groups fight to the death in the animal kingdom over resources, mates, habitats. Power is clung onto because it can easily slip away. When my complete prick of a boss insults me, or play mind games, it’s because he is trying to squash down threats to his world. Like me joining alliances with another company, the animal kingdom struggles are so universal.
To make ends meet, I’ve stopped going out. Basically, I just buy food now. That’s it. Buy groceries. Work. Buy groceries. Work. I checked out a local new pub that is opening and saw on their menu that Fries are $12. FRIES! Burgers $21. Plus tax plus tip, a basic burger and fries at this pub is close to $45. It used to be fun going out but now it’s fraught with financial consequences for me. I’ve declined social invites. $80 for a few hours at happy hour is not very happy. I miss the hood old days where you could roll in with friends and have a great time without worry. Traveling is the same: hostel private room is $100. Yes I could do the shared dorm but worry about safety and theft. So…. Buying groceries and staying at home for the foreseeable future.
When we went to high school together, you never welcomed me, or included me in your social circle. We both graduated and then out of sight out of mind. 20 years go by and you see me walking down the street. You approached me and start talking to me as if everything’s all hunky-dory. It’s interesting how now you have the nicest things to say about me when you could have cared twenty years ago. Where were you? Why start now?
I’ve noticed that the people who are the first to tell someone else to suck it up are the ones least likely to ever do that. They expect you to suck it up for their benefit because of course they’ll never make any accommodations for you. So I hit that line finally, where it was the proverbial last straw. Something inside me just snapped and that was it. Tired of ignoring the constant disrespect, minimizing and invalidation. Tired of being the only one expected to “just forget about it” or forgive. Tired of being anyone’s doormat or scapegoat. I don’t care what you call me or how you feel about it either. I visualize myself getting up off the floor and brushing off the dirt they kicked onto me as I walk away smiling.
I love rom coms, I always dreamed of a love you see in these. The way the man does everything in his power to make the woman of his dreams his.
I love trees, I walk down streets or trails or the beach. I look up and see how they’re so tall and proud. Even the ones with fallen leaves or old branches. They still hold their beauty with their endless flaws, yet still standing proud and tall.
I love scratch n wins. I get excited knowing I might be the next billionaire, I think about all the ways I’d help my family, friends and then me.
I love dogs, everytime you meet one they judge you not on your looks but your soul, energy and who you are inside.
I love chocolate, it reminds me of my dad and the sweets he would never deny me.
I love smiling at strangers, the feeling of maybe I made their day. Maybe I changed their morning afternoon or night. The imagine you receive from a short small interaction, all you feel is a beem of warmth
I love photos,taking the time to find the right pose, right shot, right angle just to see the result in my friends faces. Seeing the beauty that they can’t always see.
I love many things,but I wish that I could feel that one thing. Love. I’ve never truly been loved, not the love you receive from your family or friends. It’s the love you receive from that one person. Your person. I want the feeling of a man asking every detail about me and remembering the small things like my middle name,or that I have strange thoughts that I sometimes just let loose. I want a man who looks at me like I’m tall and proud,that my flaws make me even more beautiful. I want a man who buys me small simple things,just like the way my dad did. I want a man who takes his time,bends down and captures the beauty I sometimes can’t always see. I want a man where when I smile he knows that my heart is fully his.
I want the love I see everyday,and feel everyday. I want to feel that love I pour into others. I want it,but I don’t need it. I see it everyday and feel it everyday. So I know I’ll always be my person.