Confessions

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I believe in me

My life has been in a downward spiral for some time now. I have coped with multiple medical problems, lost a career and my financial future as a result, been in an emotionally abusive on and off relationship that has drastically affected my feelings of confidence and self esteem, and I’ve just generally looked (from the outside) as though I’m a complete mess. I’ve withdrawn from most people and have experienced depression, that’s true. However, those issues have been just steps along my path. I’m on an inner journey that no one can see. I’ve always had this internal faith that somehow I will be okay. I’ll land on my feet once again. I’ve turned inward because the outside world kept hurting me and I needed to step away from it in order to regain some sense of who I am now, and stop comparing myself to who I was before life broke me so badly. But those people who choose to sit in judgement of me without having the benefit of knowing my internal story, keep insisting that I need to do what they think I should do. That somehow me panicking, being afraid, and running around frenetically will make everything all better. But if they could see inside my head they’d see not only the despair, but my inner calmness about it as well. The steps I’m taking may not be obvious to anyone else who can only view them from the outside, but that doesn’t mean that I’m not taking them. It’s just that when you’re teetering on the edge of a volcano, you need to take very cautious steps to avoid falling into the inferno. So I’d just like those people who are annoyed watching me not “doing” anything to either stop looking or talk to me about what’s really going on and why. I’d appreciate some of the support and trust that I’ve so freely offered to them for their whole lives. Telling me how to do it your way is entirely unhelpful and actually makes things more difficult and confusing to someone who is doing their utmost to keep their head above the water line and out of the inferno. Right now I’m still swimming even though at times I’m just treading water. I’m very good at it you see. I’ve had a lifetime of saving myself and I don’t intend to stop now.

I tend to swipe left on all of them

They are all imperfect in so many ways that online dating is a disaster. I would to meet my hollywood hunk boy toy.

Confessing

... that going thru this winter makes me anxious. I’m not, and have not ever been, a stay at home type of person. But I’m very risk adverse and all those things I used to do (gym, movies, clubs, bars, restaurants) are off limits. So what am I going to do with myself? I can only go jogging for so long. What am I going to do when it’s dark at 4pm, raining and there’s nothing going on and I avoid all my friends again for the next 6 months? I guess get a headlamp and just walk around the city? How is everyone else planning on getting through winter?

More than two years ago

I gave up the drink and I gave up a man. I see the hurt I caused him now that I've healed the hurt he caused me. I was so confused and now it all makes sense. I wish we could reverse the tape and I could help him understand too so he doesn't make the same mistakes next time ripping up his and other people's hearts but I can't. It would open our addictive connection and wreak havoc. I guess I'll just have to leave this here and hope he gets the message.

Work Buddy

We've never spoken but I know I'm not so alone working on my computer all day because I can see the neighbour across the alley doing the same.

Over and under

I am so over the stereotypical perfectly shaped woman. I want someone who loves their life, is kind, makes me a better person—- and frankly I used to only go for skinny / tight abs/ long legs.... you know the type.... the ones who work every day to look a certain way. Nothing wrong with taking care of your health and body but the girls who don’t eat and spend 2 hours a day working out and obsess about their weight ? Soooo over it. I want someone who loves themselves. Like enough to have thickness of god intended thickness. There will be people saying “ but obesity is bad”! Give your head a shake and redefine body types and how we stigmatize. Someone who loves themselves will be a better healthier person. Mental health matter too, guys! Grab a girl who is proud of who they are!

falling in love

I started dating someone new, a month ago, and I feel like I am falling in love. I have never dated anyone who is so emotionally available and present the way he is with me. I love it, and it scares me. It is intense, and freeing. I am so happy and yet so terrified. But I won't do the push and pull dance I always do, I will reflect the same energy, and give him as much love and affection back.... and pray that it goes well.

My ass

usta feel like a marble bowling ball. Now it feels like Chef Boyardee pizza dough. What the Hell happened?!

Stigma and Ignorance

We are all complex. For example, some of us experience mental health issues differently. When Person A experiences the same mental health issue as Person B, they cry a lot. Person B shuts down. Neither are wrong. Both are human, both deserve life and love. Try listening and talking first. Please try a lot of things before painting with the same brush and/or throwing away. Ask yourself: When I am upset, what do I do? And then consider that what you do when you're upset maybe isn't all that different compared to Person A or B. Do you drink? Do you pace the room? Do you cry? Do you clean obsessively? Etc etc. Open your mind. Breathe. Have some compassion, practice empathy. Take a moment, and love.

I just swipe right on all of them

Every 12 hours, I can swipe right, but the matches never happen so I just swipe everyone. Life as a man online dating. Not sure why we can't have a government service dating app that isn't monitized. Our birth rate would probably be higher.

I SAW YOU

Grey pullover - City Ave Market on...

I only saw your dark hair, grey pullover, and the most beguiling eyes above your mask at City Ave...

EPITAPHS

New to the Georgia Straight. A space for sharing memories and remembering our loved ones.

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