I used to think that every memory I had about my childhood was “the truth”. For a long time after I reached adulthood I believed that my perception told the story of my family. It did, but the story it told was only my own. It took me a long time to understand how perception is completely different for each person so no two people in any family will remember things the same way. As a parent myself hearing some of the things my own kids believe happened in their childhood, I also realize that children can’t possibly know what’s really going on with their parents, and that helped me see my own parents in a different light. I was just a child so I only remembered my child’s view of life, which was obviously missing so much context that would explain a lot. So now I see my parents more as the complex human beings that they were rather than just the people who created me and provided my reality as a kid. It’s helped me forgive them for the mistakes they made, and it’s replaced some of the anger and resentment I carried with humility as I accept my own humanity too.
Opportunity doesn’t knock, You need to get out the door and then there’s opportunity !
The other day, I had my other selves in parallel universes gaze into my own and it was humbling, I'm not gonna lie. One of me was married and happy - a good person - while the other was also single but wildly successful. And he was absolutely FURIOUS that I was not. That I was still living with my parents. WTF?!? He's both ruthless and unforgiving. Scary. But I took solace knowing that God has positioned me where I am for good reason.
Okay, so the government prints a ton of money, things shoot up way above any real affordability measure in real estate, and then they extend the mortgage so we can pay it off longer into a time frame when we are retired and cannot earn any income? This economy is f*cked! Our government is f*cked!
It seems that every 30 years of so, the youth of today rise up in artistic revolution. I was a kid in the 90's, my mom in the 60's, my grandma in the 30's. Well, it's the 20's and we're right on track. The youth of recent went through something none of us olds will know what it's like. Isolation in ones formative years will create pain for some, but it will also bring some sort of youthful artist revolution. I am excited to see what they do. When I was a young peep, NWA and Nirvana were opposites, and equally revolutionary. The early days of internet made art go global and the implosion was a beautiful spectacle of a generation. I am excited to see where this generation goes and what they dance to.
If I had been born a few decades earlier I would probably have learned much sooner in my life about the long term effects of childhood neglect and trauma. How being left alone to deal with fear, loneliness, and grief teaches a child that they have to be strong no matter what. So now that I’m nearing the end of my life in isolation, I understand that it didn’t have to be so lonely and difficult. If I’d known how to ask for help when I needed it, in a direct way, not with subtle hints that were dropped in the hopes that someone would understand and help me, I might have chosen partners who weren’t emotionally unavailable. Now I know that creating a suit of emotional armour might help in times of trauma to get you through it, but if you don’t learn how and when to take it off it becomes too effective at keeping other people from getting close enough to help you. I don’t even have the words anymore to express my pain to another soul, because it’s so overwhelming and I’m afraid I’d drown them. I long to be vulnerable but I’m terrified at the prospect because I feel like I’d start crying and never stop. My advice to young people is to do the work to unpack all that baggage before it’s too late. The information is all over the internet, so get going.
A co-worker told me horrible news before the weekend. There was an accident where her sister works and scalding hot cooking oil was spilled all over her, sending her to the hospital with 3rd degree burns. She gave me an elaborate story about how her sister was a supervisor at A&W when a car crashed into the drive-through spilling the oil on her. She said it happened on April 3rd. My co-worker was finishing her shift and was leaving so I wasn't able to give her much in the way of condolences before she was gone for the day.
I decided to see if this horrible occurrence made the news, I checked the internet for stories about cars crashing into a drive-through at an A&W and saw the incident did happen in North Van, on March 16th. I thought it was a bit odd she would get the date of such a traumatic event that wrong.
After the weekend, when I saw her again, I asked how her sister was doing. she gave me this blank stare and told me "she's at work". I mentioned the news she gave me on Friday and she laughed and said, "Oh, that was my sister's niece". I told her, on Friday, she specifically said it was her sister. She reiterated with "no, it was my sister's niece". Then she went on with her job.
To lie about something like that is odd to be sure, but this woman is a very strict evangelical christian, she goes to church three days a week and got on my case once when I admitted that I like to have a glass of wine at the end of the day to wind down. Lots of tut-tutting about the evils of alcohol. Surly using someone's tragedy for attention would be frowned on at her church? I don't trust my co-worker anymore, I don't even know if the person involved is actually her sister's niece either. I didn't push the issue.
I'm an atheist, I have heard her talk about the fates in store for non-believers in the afterlife. I guess her sins will be forgiven and mine won't be? This sort of thing just cements by belief.
I would much rather attend a pride parade on Sunday than sit through a boring sermon at church, only to be fed gobbledygook about how I’m going to go to hell unless if I jump off a bridge to follow Jesus. As far as I’m concerned, LGBTQ2S+ is way more popular than Jesus.
I didn’t catch up on the eclipse today. Didn’t even notice anything happening outside. For some reason, it just doesn’t do it for me. None of these things capture my interest or make me want to orgasm.
I’ve spent less and less time with my friend. The last 4 years, she moves out of Vancouver for 4-12 months at a time living elsewhere. There’s no contact when she’s out of town and I get on with my life and get closer to other friends. Then a week before she comes back, she texts me “Hey I’m coming back!” But we have no glue and I’m not in any rush to see her. She’ll be here for a bit, and then it’s the same thing from her: “Leaving soon, we should catch up before I go!” She knows so little of my day to day. And if I text her, she’ll return a text 3WEEKS later. What does one do with a person like this?
