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I confess...

I always have a reoccurring daydream. I wish I was a test subject for outerspace exploration. Like signing up for a "mission" to a black hole to see what happens, or Mars or whatever. I fully give my permission to crazy rich elite scientists to use me as a guinny pig to send me off this planet Into space for scientific education. Sad thing is, there's a lot of other people who would too. Competition is probably ly fierce.

Lifes lessons

20 years ago, an owner of a diving and kayak shop came into a class full of their newest keener optimistic students and gave a life lesson. It was about previous students who had, after getting their start with this store start their own shop. Long story short, it was a lesson that when they went bankrupt the owner went in and bought up their supplies. Didn't need them, didn't want them, but it was about pride or something, The lesson was for us to not f*ck them over, but the lesson has always stood out to me. A few years ago my ex came back in my life. Something she said she would never do and would be mean if I ever did to her. The thing was, I was doing fine, but she had just opened a business and coincidentally needed to show me. At the time I went on a black out drinking mess. That's on me. full stop. I sobered up. Got my shit together and moved on. The thing is.... as a business in Vancouver during COVID, she has been wiped out. First by the first year, and then by the fact this summer has effectively been cancelled. I go back to what this owner told me years ago. Open a business, but if you f*ck with people in doing so, they will pick your carcass clean. I stayed sober. I also have not once bothered her during this trying year. I learned how much she hurt me flaunting a momentary success and that I would not want to do that to anyone. The world has not changed.

When it rains, it pours.

All of a sudden my equilibrium has been shaken. They installed blinding bright lights outside my apartment windows. The dog across the street who I would pet and was pretty much my only friend died. The lovely old lady down the street who would sit on her porch had a fire in her house, parts of it are charred and boarded up. I have been discombobulated, in just a few days it's a whole new world in the neighbourhood.

Well, that was disappointing

I didn’t eat at restaurants much even before the pandemic, and since it began I haven’t actually gone to one at all. But I decided to give in to my craving for a specific dish that I loved from a local restaurant. It wasn’t at all enjoyable. Not only has the restaurant jacked the prices up by at least 15%, the outside seating area was packed and the service was terrible. The server got the very simple orders wrong (there was only 2 of us), and I waited far too long for her to fix it. When I finally did get my food it wasn’t good. Other patrons were behaving irresponsibly and not wearing their masks as they should have been. So now that I’ve satisfied my craving I will not be going back to what was my favourite restaurant, ever again. I’m sad.

Surrounded by a thick dense fog

Depression is like a thick, dense fog that doesn’t just follow you around. It surrounds you. You’re in it and it’s pitch black. I’m talking pitch black like the sky out in the bush away from the city light. But unlike the sky it’s like you’re drowning, both legs chained to iron balls. You’ve been treading for so long, grasping for anything that floats by. You’re white knuckling it, trying to hold on for your life because you don’t want to hurt your loved ones by letting go. You’re exhausted. You so desperately need it to end. You need relief, and yet you are lost, alone, head barely above the surface in a sea of darkness. There’s no way out, no way through. There’s just no other way.

dear girl in the parking lot

...i know your taken. just meeting someone like you gives me hope again, where it was lost before. your one of those rare beautiful on the inside people & it comes forth in your eyes,smile & energy. i don't approach alot of people normally or try anymore since covid. it was a big deal for me to come out of my shell (& even try approaching/talking) , let alone have it be welcome & well received. So grateful for that. there has been many hard things over the last year, the rain had me feeling down. a glimpse of your beauty brought the sun out for me. relight that flame inside, let me know that there's good ones still. the universe showed me a sign today & there's good things for me in it still. gratitude for your kindness, openness & beautiful vibes. hope to see your golden soul again & if not... im glowing knowing your out there.

Aw So Cute!

While I was waiting for the train today, I observed a fat chickadee perched on a sign above the platform. Its puffy little body looked a little damp but it was chirping away merrily. It made me so happy! I felt like I could just stand there watching it for at least 20 minutes. Bird TV is no substitute for seeing with your own eyes. Please send more.

Looking for a job

I have been looking for a part time job and did some interviews. I am working though, full time, same company for a long time in a management position, still did not pass for the second interview... What is wrong with me? Or people are scared I will take their job? I really don't know. Super sad tho...

Opposite of Housewarming

I moved here February of 2020, had a few weeks of enjoying the city properly and then was confined to my apartment since. Never had a housewarming party and never ended up buying or unpacking the things I would need to host guests. I have a couch, one glass, a bowl, 2 forks, a change of bedding etc. You get the picture. I lived like a tourist in the city and am now repacking or shuffling boxes that weren't opened to move away. I realize that the "home" is not about expensive renovations In a gentrified neighborhood but the people and conversations had in it. Pandemic life prevented me from having any social connection at my place. It's bittersweet that I couldn't make this place "Home" but it was a weird and unexpected time to try and start a new life.

Is everyone else doing the full day?

As I become more distant and isolated, my work ethnic is slipped. I can happily close my laptop after 7 hours of work now... I just don’t like the job or culture but obviously this is a shitty time to quit. Ugh.... maybe 2 or 3 months of this and then I can escape?


Gorgeous, athletic out grocery shopping

Ok I’ve never done this before so throwing out a massive flyer here! Just saw you out shopping in...


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