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The unbearable

loneliness of being. I once said, that I had a solid attitude towards solitude. Of course, this could be so much further from the truth. It’s October, and the streets are littered with what-if’s and could-be memories. The soggy paper leaves read like torn love letters, they cling to my boots and I carry them home. The fall makes me want to hold hands with something other than dying trees. Clinging to warmth, cupping hot soups and burning my hasty tongue. Speaking of hasty tongues, mine gets me into trouble. But worse, my reckless heart. I cannot help my passion from spilling out, it’s like I have a leak in me. My sea-sick lover tethered and cursed to drown. Alas, they wriggle free. For now I’ll read too much badly written erotica, and imagine a man who isn’t a ghost I hold hands with in the fall.

In retrospect

Our connection was divine. Hypnotic, even. The intimacy was transcendent. Best sex of my life, too. The avoidant attachment issues, the drinking, the oblique hints about severe benzo dependency, the suspicion, the rejection - not so much. That part was agony, mostly. Given a couple of years to reflect, I find myself in agreement. Not meant to be. But still... My life has very few regrets, and not just because I should have been dead long ago. But this regret, for the way it was with us, will linger. "If only" should be a four-letter word.

Old knowledge

I figured something out..lol Your mind never really changes . Sure you grow older, learn things thru life lessons, some adversitys may change you a bit. The thing is your body ages but your mind stays young, feels the same from your childhood. Old saying " young at heart". I truly beleive that. So next time you see some older man or woman hanging around looking all tired and worn out! Never forget "the minds in those bodies still feels like 21". Lol All Raring to go. Its just their dam bodies given them trouble. Wearing out. Odd huh

Dude or No Dude?

This bothers me, but I'm not sure why .So here is my tail of woe: For about the last 10 years or so, p eople i don't know and some i do..,will say something like this- " The Dude" ! " you look like the dude"! At first i didn't have a clue who The "Dude" was, as i had not seen" The Big Lebowski". At that time, there was no internet or anything, so i could not find something about the " Dude". It still happens, men ,women, total strangers, have said this to me. Now, of course i know the movie " The Big Lebowski "( ive still never seen it) but, i dont know if its a good thing or a bad thing, when somebody says that to me. I really don't. Something happened 8 or 9 years ago. I wont go into details, but i did think " Do women like the Big Lebowski"? I STILL dont know what to think , when i hear it.. Maybe im just sick of it and need a haircut or something, ...then it happens again. I confess as im getting older, i dont think i want to be called the Big Lebowski anymore Lol

Crazy Plant Man

I am not a crazy cat lady. Evens cats are too much responsibility for me. I am what you might call a crazy plant man. I have many plants, and the number only goes up. I spend a fair bit of time acquiring them, watering, repotting, propagating, moving around ito sunlight. It seems healthy to me, but to outsiders I might seem like a crazy plant man. Some people have kids, friends, pets. I have my plants, and not much else. It gives me something to do, something to watch, maybe even something to live for.

Not listening

If I’m reading a book or trying to write, and you talk at me without having anything important to say, I will absolutely NOT engage with you. For what reason are you bothering me? I’m obviously trying to read, please leave me alone. This is how people start becoming homebodies, these experiences make me not want to go outside.what part of my actions are inviting you to bother me? I confess: I’m sick of it! Oh on another note too, I notice this since I read in cafes a lot but MEN, LISTEN UP. Leave the poor baristas and cashiers alone. It’s so painfully awkward watching dude after dude try their lines when these girls are paid to smile, but their faces and body language speak loudly as to how uncomfortable they are. (Ladies I know how it feels, I had a few stalkers when I worked in a cafe. Keep your conversations with any private details quiet and private, this is the best advice I have to offer you).

I Used To Think Of Myself As An Actor

but I don't anymore. I came to the realization that I was pursuing something more out of validation than passion. This was some time ago and I have since come to terms with it. I continue to act professionally but I now define myself as an artist rather than an actor. I am driven to create in many aspects of my life, not for recognition, but because of an honest desire to create. This has also opened up a willingness to collaborate that was missing in my creativity. I feel like a burden has been taken from me. I realize that it is just a shift in perspective, but it has done wonders for my sense of well being and place in the world. I hope that letting go of something that I was clinging to, so desperately, at great personal cost will finally allow me to leap into the abyss only to find my wings and soar.

working two jobs

I'm not getting enough hours at my current job so I decided to get a second job on the side. It's been helping me a lot more with my income and reliving that I have something to fall back on.

Snowflaked?

I'm kind of realizing..I'm an entitled small minded self centred pos? Snowflakes maybe aren't the problem? Damn..all these years...

What the Fuck!

At work a woman who I admire said I was too loud and she moved away from me for the day. I decided to be the bigger person and wrote her a note apologizing. Then she later said in private that she thought I was too loud and I apologized again. She then went on to say something else she thought was wrong with me and I just walked away. How can someone complain about you and when you apologize for it they hit with another thing? How is this a healthy work place. I have never wanted to retract my apology to someone as that one. And I want to quit. Fuck that job!

I SAW YOU

Jordan the teacher, we shared a kiss at...

I'm new to stripping, and was taken aback by the way your bright smile caught my eye. You...

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