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I Turned 40 this Week

I am nowhere in life. I don't have any friends. I've never been on a date. I've never done any of the things that come after a (successful) date. I've always been poor, unattractive and socially inept so I realized by my mid-20s that I'll have to learn to be an introvert and keep to myself. It wasn't easy, but I've made peace with being alone and not having a social life. What really crushes my soul is that I've never become financially independent. I thought when I grew up I would at least get a decent job that I don't loathe going to and make enough to support myself and live with dignity, even if alone. I have never had an "adult" job in my life. A 14 year old could do my dead-end retail job. I wasted what savings I had going to school off and on. I failed math and science so I had to get a B.A. which is worthless to most employers. In desperation, I squandered the rest of my savings going back to school for something more "practical" before the pandemic started. Internships (if you don't have family or friends in high places) are how you get a foot in the door but I found that you need to have perfect grades or be an international student, with office experience from your home country, to be accepted. At the end of 2019, I managed to make it to the final interview for my first grownup job. The two interviewers were both younger than me (as were the company owners). They made me wait for over an hour and then asked a bunch of trick "aptitude" questions which I clearly failed because they didn't hire me. It was humiliating. I live in a basement suite in my mother's house (no, not for free). I am deeply ashamed of it. 30% of my annual income goes into deductions, and after bills, groceries and other expenses, there is little left for a down payment for a small condo. It will take years. I have nothing saved for retirement. When my mother passes, I will officially be alone. I will have to work till the day I die, and if I get injured or can't work, I'll end up on the street. There isn't a happy ending for this confession, and there won't be one for my life.

Dream Boobs

I had a vivid dream I was scrolling through Facebook and my dream person had updated their profile picture to a topless picture. WOW! Can you even do that?? I immediately scrolled past because I was in public (in my dream) and felt super excited to wake up and check this out in real life (and definitely download the photo). When I awoke I immediately looked them up on FB...but the dream world is not the real world.

Solo breakfast thoughts.

I confess it’s difficult to fight against loneliness day after day. It changes your brain. You feel quiet desperation. Before the pandemic, you’d look at people in the grocery store, hoping to start a conversation with anyone, without looking like you’re unstable or imposing. You begin to wonder if this is how your life was supposed to be. You regret ever telling anyone you’ve experienced mental health issues in the past, because they all behaved as though it were a plague they couldn’t get away from fast enough. Loneliness changes your brain, distorts all of your thinking, about everything, convinces you you’re hopelessly unlikable. You can feel cold heartache in your bones.

tiredeyes

bought myself ice cream sandwiches today and my taste usually looks to sodium and msg especially. had one, two, maybe three... drowning out the sorrow in lactose sugar. my mouth is frozen but it has yet to stall my tears. i'll have one more chocolate vanilla sandwich.

Straight male, age 45

I can't do online dating anymore. I can't read one more profile, filled with hope, only to be disappointed by a TOTAL lack of information. No sense of who she is, nothing about personal interests, no idea what they like or dislike. Give me something!

I confess

I don't know s**t. Back in my young days I used to think I could predict things before they would actually happen, but truth is I now know that didn't know a f ** ing thing about nothing.

-_-

The only thing that really bothers me in life is that I can't personally, physically thank any musician, artist or anyone who has had a profound affect on my life.

Wherefore art

I have been randomly stumbling into relationships, and inevitably rage-quitting after a few months or a year, for about 7 years now. How do long-term daters do it?

I can’t wait to

leave vancouver as soon as this pandemic situation is over and I can finally travel. Stuck at my parents house and can’t believe how long this has dragged on. Holy f-ing shit!!!!!!!

Coming back to life

I've been in a deep depression for years. Life has been a mess. I had blamed everyone else for my problems yet done nothing about it - everything I hated in a person. I met a man in 2018. I fell pregnant and we got married. As I write the true facts of these events I wonder if I'm being dramatic but friends and family remind me how bad it really was. I blamed myself for not having dinner ready for him after work every day which irritated him. He physically assaulted me so I left him. My daughter has just seen a pediatrician who strongly suspects that she is on the spectrum. We're on a wait list for an official diagnosis but it takes over a year. The diagnosis is important because it means we can have some treatment covered. Being a single mom I can't afford to pay privately. I cried when I heard the doctor's opinion but now have educated myself. There is nothing wrong with autism. If anything, it makes her interesting. She is hilarious. I love how when people say hi to her she looks at them like they're idiots. I know that's awful to say but I've wondered at times if she's on the spectrum or just doesn't give a crap. Either way she cracks me up and I love her from the bottom of my heart. I had been diagnosed with kidney problems which I had a pity party over. Yesterday a major shift happened. It felt like the sun came up for the first time in a million years. I cleaned my place so well you could eat off any surface. My body didn't feel like it was falling apart. My face had colour. I stepped outside the door to inhale the spring air. I looked up at the sky and thought to myself I'm so happy to be alive. I've lived through many things and will to be able to help my daughter through life which is something I never had. I feel happy for once in a very long time. I can't wait for my girl to get up so we can head to the park. I had my kidneys retested and found out yesterday that they're back up to 90%. Life is beautiful and change has come.

I SAW YOU

Handsome man getting groceries.

Me, female, medium blonde hair. Floral mask. You, around my height, bald, handsome, in your 40&...

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