I haven’t left my apartment in two weeks. And I don’t feel sad about it at all. I consider how amazing it all is living in the world today. Groceries delivered to my door that I ordered online. Fruit from South America, medication from across the continent, vegetables from down the coast, books from around the globe. Technology connects me to the world and I can even wash my clothes and cook food with the press of a button. It’s incredible. And yet I turn the blinds on my window to temper the sun. I feel like an addict telling myself that I can go outside any time, to quit sequestering, but I seem to lack the inspiration or need to leave. I feel like an emperor in an unknown forbidden realm where no one comes in or out.
I went out to my BFs friend's bday the other day and his single friends made me realize how bad I want to be single. Im not in love with my bf any more and Covid has really made me hate him and the way he treats me. But last time I tired to break up with him he cried then threw my shit all over the place. Im.scared of what he will do if I break up with him again. I can't stand his lacy of maturity.
I dump partners if they cheat, which is pretty common. But I also dump friends who cheat on their partners. If you're willing to screw over the person you're supposed to love the most and treat the best, you're willing to screw me over too. These people are always so shocked and claim it's "not fair to judge them" but good riddance to bad company.
It’s so rare. Finding the real people who you can talk to about anything. Real feelings, real emotions, genuine opinions about world events, philosophy, science. Everything is open for discussion. You can say anything without having to worry about whether you’re being PC enough or whether they’re going to judge you. I’ve got two precious people in my life like this and I cling to them tightly, because everyone else is much too worried about being popular, or they just don’t have the depth or intelligence to dive beneath the surface of things. The problem is that I almost never see my two special friends because one of them lives about an 8 hour drive away and the other one is too busy most of the time. I’m just so tired of small talk or complaints and gossip. I need REAL.
This week was my birthday, turned 70. I was looking forward to reading some texts or emails from old friends or current friends as I always make a point of wishing them happy birthday and have the dates marked on the calendar. Well, you guessed it - not one single message! Feeling pretty alone.
I work in healthcare on the DTE and the pandemic was stressful. We all wore our masks and we had a few outbreaks here and there. Six of my coworkers have it and they are really sick, not just an Omicron cold. One is in the hospital. The clients are sick and my manager is off because his whole family has it. And many of the staff refuse to wear masks because they say it’s over, but everyone is getting sick. It’s worse than during the pandemic. So strange.
It was short lived, none the less, it was still an affair.
She said it was a desperate attempt to get me to notice her.
We did stay together, but it was never the same. The affront was to much. Some time has passed since then and only now do I realize – looking back, at that time I was ignorant and very selfish. I was there physically but She was alone. She was alone, lonely, and She was very, very desperate. Desperate enough to have an affair. An irrational desperate act by a very desperate person. And now, when I look back, for some reason I feel that I should apologize.
So much time wasted, just trying to survive each day, doing basics. Now I'm in my 40's and I'm haunted that it's too late for hopes and dreams.
Something I thought would never happen finally did. I happened to be in the same place at the same time as my ex; the person who broke my heart a thousand times and left me completely shattered. But when I saw him I felt NOTHING. Just free! Lighter and happier. I thought this day would never come, and I was wrong. So just hang in there all you heartbroken people, because it will happen for you too. : )
Suns out, long weekend coming up. But I get such a twisting feeling in my chest. No plans, no especially close friends to do something with. I'm not going to blame Vancouver, I'll have to take this, partly. Not from here originally, I ask pals if they want to do stuff, the ones who reply, will generally be no. But rarely any asking back at me at other times. Its difficult to fathom. Where I'm originally from , Im very close to my pals, despite the distance, so on a good day, Ill think, I am at least 'likable' . But I have to say the bad days of feeling like such a pariah, feel more plentiful when I see groups of people out having fun in the sun and going away long weekends/ My darker side yearns for cloudy / rainy days, as they at make my isolation a little less obvious