during inventory the item to which I playfully assign human qualities had a count equal to the date of my birth. Kinda cool.
When all the tasks and errands are done I’m left to wonder what is left in my life. My energy and funds are limited. I can get by, but to what purpose? I pay taxes, work, consume, sleep, repeat. But where is the joy? Where is the sense of accomplishment? Do I have to keep doing this? I’d rather close up shop, have a few good months traveling and then submit my body and organs for science and donation. I don’t need to be here and I could help a lot of people through vacating. That could be my contribution. My job, home, resources, and organs carefully distributed to support others who need them. That would be a great joy. To pass on the good things I have for others. Life holds nothing more in store for me but an ending and I welcome it.
Have you ever been in a relationship with someone when you felt constantly off-balance and confused? Like you want to make them happy but for some reason no matter what you do they’re never quite satisfied? I’ve been ruminating on all of the things I ignored that led to me staying in a very dysfunctional relationship with someone who was always changing the goalposts. They wanted this so I gave it to them but suddenly this wasn’t enough and they wanted that, so I gave it to them, but then they wanted such and such, etc, etc, etc.. It was exhausting. Big red flags that I waved away because I kept thinking that if I just could get it right they would finally be happy with me. Now I can see the manipulation for what it was; just another mind game designed to keep me questioning myself instead of them. They said I wasn’t “consistent” enough because of the times I’d finally get so frustrated that I’d get fed up and leave. Another manipulative response to my very normal reaction to being jerked around. I’d wind up apologizing for becoming upset, and they would “give us another chance”. Then it would happen all over again. Being completely away from this situation for some time now has really clarified exactly what was going on, and now I vow to always listen to my gut instincts and never EVER again ignore red flags!
Feeling stressed and exhausted by humans and feeling lonely.
Except i just want to go tp the beach every day.
When at home, I don't wear any clothes. I live alone and I'm not an exhibitionist or into indecent exposure. I'm very comfortable in just my own skin. Literally. I guess, I just don't see any point in wearing any clothes unless I have to go out. Some days when I know I'll be home and off work the whole day I spend it naked. There are of course some disadvantages. I have to be careful when cooking and to keep the blinds on my windows closed; in an emergency, like a fire, I might have to make it out naked which would be embarrassing. But, I think the advantages outweigh the disadvantages.
My recession fears temper my current reality. I remember all too well the 2008 recession, taking on a rather crappy job at 1/3 less pay than my previous job because literally no one was hiring. My stocks lost half their value. Currently I’m in a mediocre job and was trying to get out, but my feet are frozen now. Don’t want to quit something stable to start something new and unknown with a global recession at the doorsteps. Doing nothing is an action. It’s not my first choice but playing it safe is better than the despondency I felt last time around. I’m also forgoing all those $100+ events, restaurant meals, etc. Prefer to stuff it under my mattress so to speak. Belt tightening has already started for me.
This is my first week without my therapist. Our sessions had to end somewhat suddenly, there wasn't much that we could do about it. It was very helpful to me and the work that we did got me through a rough period and will continue to help me get through my life.
That being said, I'm very afraid that I won't be able to find another therapist that I will connect with as well as this one, I've seen a few in my life and this one helped me the most.
It's only been a week but this 60 minute gap in my schedule seems like an abyss.
Ahhhhhh there is no person space. I am dying.
And suddenly I feel invisible.