Search confessions

Why are we friends

I’ve spent less and less time with my friend. The last 4 years, she moves out of Vancouver for 4-12 months at a time living elsewhere. There’s no contact when she’s out of town and I get on with my life and get closer to other friends. Then a week before she comes back, she texts me “Hey I’m coming back!” But we have no glue and I’m not in any rush to see her. She’ll be here for a bit, and then it’s the same thing from her: “Leaving soon, we should catch up before I go!” She knows so little of my day to day. And if I text her, she’ll return a text 3WEEKS later. What does one do with a person like this?

Dear friend

We used to be friends. I remember the good old days when you were happier and kinder, now you’ve changed clearly. But not for the better. You’ve become a completely different person. You seem spiteful, cynical, and just downright mean. What happened? Where did we lose connection? We were friends. You never used to be like this. Where did we lose each other. Did it just slip away? Did something happen in your life that caused you to behave the way you do? Is there something about you that maybe I should know about? How can I help you? I wish you would just tell me what’s bothering you so that we could put an end to all this. I’m tired of fighting and I don’t want to fight anymore. There’s no need. Just tell me what’s wrong and maybe I can try to help you, even if it’s slightest bit.

Family rumours

I have a cousin that lives in Ontario. There’s been this rumour going around in the family that he’s gay. His parents aren’t the type to discuss these things since they’re from the old school. It seems like they might be having a hard time trying to accept it. I don’t expect it to happen, but if let’s say there comes a time where they decide to open up and confide in me, I would just tell them that no matter what happens he will always be their son and it’s important to let him follow his own path. All that matters is that he has a good sense of himself and is living a happy, healthy life.

Thoughts about the past

Yesterday, I thought about someone I was once very much interested in. He misses me. He dreams of having me back. It's odd to be that person, the one who "got away" that they regret losing. They revealed to be selfish & awful, giving mixed signals unnecessarily. They showed interest a lot, but then got unpleasant when the interest was reciprocated. They weren't single, either. I shouldn't have made excuses for them in the quest to be empathetic. I believe in being straight forward: if you're unhappy in your current relationship, then you talk about it to either make it work or you end it, not look for what you're missing in someone else while keeping the relationship going. If you're interested in someone, own it, admit it, show it. I don't see the joy or value in social game playing. It doesn't do anyone any favors. It only caused heartache in this case. For what, to kill boredom? They were bored so they invited/lured/seduced/charmed someone else into their life & wasted their time to make up for poor life choices because they lacked self-awareness or honesty? Now, years later, I'm glad I chose to walk away from them. In the end, I realized how I deserved better. I am single & I'm much happier. I think we teach some pretty crappy values & behaviours in society. I fail to see the value of getting involved with people intimately when dysfunction & complications are the norm. We have taught, encouraged, reinforced, & rewarded the wrong behaviours & I choose to stop supporting these & the people who feed that kind of life. I can excuse this from someone really young due to inexperience, not from a middle-aged educated professional with the knowledge of the world to encourage self-development a mere Google search or a click away. Distance does not make problems go away. Instead it allows the hurt to grow stronger. It makes the people we do wrong by go away. I don't want him or anyone like him ever. He blew it, especially by playing games and through inaction. I learned my worth by knowing boundaries that I learned to maintain. As I said: I am single & I'm much happier so I thank him for the experience as I thank him for doing all he did to spare me from being with him. I am very fortunate, indeed.

My recurring dreams

I had a variation on my recurring dreams last night. I think of them as familiar places that have unexpectedly changed dreams. Often, the dreams are almost identical, sometimes, only the situation is similar. I am most often on my bicycle, but sometimes on foot, and very seldom by car. I start off riding in a safe area which I know well, and that I clearly recognize. Then, I make the same wrong turn, or a similar wrong turn, or the road has changed, and I end up in known area that I know to be dangerous, like very dangerous neighbourhoods in New York City, where I grew up. Sometimes, I am only at one of the confusing three-way intersections in a place like Victoria and always seem to pick the wrong way. Sometimes the wrong way leads me to a longer wronger way, although I had a feeling I was on the right road or direction. Last night, I went through what seemed to be an empty/vacant house and came across a young mother lying in bed with two boys so close in age that they might have been twins, but were not twins. She was not nursing them, but they were laying on her chest and she was holding them and the boys were sleeping. They all had black hair. The woman was not undressed, but was wearing a loosely fitted but not revealing white blouse. Then I thought I found the right way but there had been construction and I could not proceed and I was unsure whether it had actually been the right way. I never have any bicycle problems in the dream. It is always daytime, although sometimes close to the end of the day. I never find my way home. I don’t wake terrified, but unsettled.

Not blocked

I confess that I haven’t blocked their number because I’m waiting to see if they ever send me something real. So far it’s just a lot of casual nonsense stuff so there’s nothing for me to say. I know the chances are slim that they will finally get it, but I’d hate to block them only to find out later that they sent something I’d really want to hear.

lonely heart's club

She discovered her last Tinder guy was still with his wife. I had just been through a fresh breakup so we cuddled for a night. I shouldered her troubles and supported her emotionally for a few months until she disappeared with the next Tinder guy without a trace.

stange days

A crush at my work asked me out a few months ago, and after a few dates things have been seemingly good. The thing is, I worked with her for years. I always defined her as out of my league by a long shot. For the most part, working with her lived up to that. She's had two finances in the time I've known her and both were dudes way better than me. Coming straight from the gym, jacked up, perfectly groomed, expensive trucks, etc. Over the pandemic and after it ended our employment went through a lot of purging and deficits and lot of people who were higher up than me have spent years bitching and been depressed. I am a bottom rung type of employee. I am chipper as hell, and genuine. That's never mattered in my 40+ years. I assumed I was just a rebound or fling for this woman, and I'd have been happy with that, but apparently a relentless positive attitude for a decade plus has made more of an impact on her. I have had addiction issues more than once, owned them and kept going. She mentioned on our last date, she knows my f*ck ups and addictions, and she knows when I fall how I am. Her phone kept going off the last date and rather than look at it privately she stated point "I like you," she then put the phone on the table and slid it over and said "you can read what my clingy ex is saying." I didn't bother to read it. I slid the phone back. She smiled and we went about our dinner.

Test of patience

Did you ever encounter someone who was so thoroughly obnoxious in their routine behaviour that it defied credulity? I have such a person as my neighbour. Everything they do is obnoxious. They can’t go out of or into a door without slamming it. They are totally inconsiderate of others in the building by monopolizing the laundry room, holding loud drunken smoke-filled conversations right outside the windows of other residents, leaving their garbage in the hallways, etc. Every time I think they’ve reached a peak of rudeness, they top it with something else. The last thing I want is to have to complain to the property manager because that rarely ends well. I just live in hope now that they will move out before I’m driven to enact some kind of revenge. I’m a peaceful person and a considerate neighbour and I just want to live in peace. What is wrong with people like this? .


Someone I used to work with started a Go Fund Me for her cat. She earns good money and just bought an apartment with her fiancé. Shit. I live in a basement suite! I'd love a cat. Go Fund Me would be a last resort for me though. Already at 1 / 10 of the goal though. It's impossible to keep up with the Jones and Joneses'. It's hard to keep feeling optimistic and happy about life when cats get more attention than you do.


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