It was really easy to flirt and romance at the office. Today, it's just an idea that gets you fired. No wonder everyone hardly lives at the office and dies single these days.

There happens to be a certain point where lusting after an unrealized relationship ruins all chance of it ever being successful IF it was even requited. I don't know exactly when this point happens, it might depend on your age and gender, but it's definitely less than the 13-14 years I've thought about them. So why do I still dream?

What do you do with a middle aged sister who 100% ignores you and avoids all eye contact with you at a family dinner. She asks zero questions to you and your husband. And the only time she addresses and looks at me is by making a demand about her upcoming birthday. I bought her birthday present months ago and honestly don’t even care to wrap it or spend $ on a birthday card. I’d be fine with not seeing her for a year or three…

After my parent passed I started thinking about one of our last conversations. They told me that they weren't worried about me. They worked the same job for 40+ years and you could set a watch to their routine. I, on the other hand, change paths every year or so and in no way related to what I was previously doing. I meander. Obviously its cliche to do the opposite of a parent. But they told me my paths, even the horrible failures, were always entertaining to them. They stayed in their lane out of strength to raise their kids, but in every way did not want their kids to do the same. I loved my parents and got to have amazing last conversations with them. But as time rolls on I have something I never had. A love of the life I lived while they were alive, and a self love of myself that I did not have until they espoused their words in the finals weeks to me.

Next I was abruptly ghosted. Then he shows up out of the blue a year later. Acts as if nothing happened. Wants us to be friends. I thought about it and honestly couldn't imagine moving past the pain and being friends. So I quietly disappeared. Here's my issue: I'm glad to walk away from this person forever. But I still hang on to a tremendous amount of hurt, pain, betrayal, and disappointment. I want to forgive and let go and I don't know how.

I don’t want to leave. Vancouver is home. But on a Friday night, or any night for that matter, where am I? My apartment. Sitting in candlelight lost in thought. Embarrassingly the place is barely larger than my childhood bedroom growing up in the back country. There’s pressure to settle down in a small town. I have little life outside of my job here, my favourite haunts that I can no longer afford, friends that have moved away. The neighbourhoods are changing. More skyscrapers sprouting on the skyline. I skim through events hoping I’ll find something that sparks a feeling of life in me but nothing comes. I want to live and I don’t know why or how. Starting again somewhere else feels like defeat. My life isn’t a Hallmark movie. I don’t know where to go and I don’t want to leave, but it feels like there’s nothing here for me. There’s no place like home, anymore.

Can't find a family doctor, no one is taking new patients. Doctors are like leprechauns you may see one crossing the road but you can't get an appointment with one. Walk in clinics no longer doing walk in appointments they are only seeing their own patients. But the signs outside their office still say walk in clinics. Now I hear the emergency room at the hospital has new hours 8am to 8 pm only for emergency care. What is going on? What happens if you get hurt at 9pm ? What are you supposed to do ? If you can't walk in to the emergency at the hospital, does that mean the only way to get care is by the ambulance bringing you in ? That's going to put a lot of pressure on the ambulance services, wait times will be ridiculous. And doesn't it cost to take a ride in the ambulance? Once again what's going on? Apparently don't get sick or have an accident ! You know how to get more doctors ? Free education for the medical profession that might interest people to get involved, become a doctor!! Ridiculous Health Care !!

I wonder if I’m the only person who feels that the word “Wokeness” is so overused these days. It’s just another laughable “controversy” created by people who claim to hate cancel culture but spend their time cancelling groups they don't like.

That’s all we are at the end of the day. I watched news about a guy who belongs to this group of people who believe that they don’t have to comply with any rules or laws because they say they’re not valid. But no matter where you go or how small the tribe is, every single group has rules. All of them. That’s how humans are able to live together at all, because otherwise it would be total chaos. The fact that so many people now think that rules and laws don’t apply to them is what’s creating so much confusion and fear. There’s too many of us now so we’re all scrabbling for resources just like any small tribe would be fighting for their share against other tribes who also wanted the same things. So if you think that laws and rules don’t have to be followed, go live in the wilderness on your own, where you’ll find out soon enough that even nature has laws.

I creeped an ex recently, not for jealousy or malice, just for interest. It's weird to see people in their 40's seemingly addicted to social media. Perfect marriage. check. perfect kids. check. perfect job/career. check. But there was nothing there. What seemed like 5000 posts since the pandemic started led to nothing but perfection and a weird distilled version of a life. I guess it allowed to me to move on completely. Not for the life in pictures I saw, but for the fact that 5000 posts in a few years is a life. And nothing that remotely is my life. Anything but that understanding would be dishonest to myself. People change. I guess in this case, we both did.