From queries surrounding the existence of poop-induced orgasms to the straightforward "Is it possible for a man to insert his balls into a woman?", sex expert and LGBT activist Dan Savage has heard it all in his syndicated Savage Love column, where, every week, he answers sex-related reader questions and offers advice relating to sexual preferences, relationships, and more.
In fact, the section regularly draws in curious readers of the Straight—both in print by those who flip directly to the back pages (don't worry, we won't judge), and online, where, through a scan of this year's most-read stories (and our most-read stories of all time, which includes gems like this), we can be sure of at least one thing: y'all be kinky.
From columns involving the ethics of office hookups to the educational ask of how to kick someone out of group sex the Canadian way (i.e., politely!), here are the Savage Love stories that had you reading (and clicking) in 2017.
My significant other and I rarely have sex. A while ago, I had a sexual encounter with her daughter. We continued to have sexual encounters for some time. Now my significant other and I may be getting married. Her daughter and I broke it off, but it started up again after a week. I am attempting to break things off with my significant other’s daughter again, but I’m having a hard time. Please advise.
—Restraining Urges Is Necessary
I’m a 22-year-old straight male dating a 23-year-old woman. This is by far the most sexual relationship I’ve been in, which is great, except one part is freaking me out: I recently “caught” my girlfriend masturbating with her roommate’s panties. (She knew I was coming over and wanted me to catch her.) It turns out she has a habit of sneaking her roommate’s worn underwear, masturbating while smelling them (or putting them in her mouth), and then sneaking them back into her roommate’s laundry basket. She has also used her roommate’s vibrator and dry-humped her pillow to orgasm.
I got turned on hearing about all this, and she jerked me off with her roommate’s panties. My girlfriend says she gets turned on being “naughty” and most of her fantasies involve being her roommate’s sex slave, me fucking the roommate while my GF is tied up, et cetera. Our sex life now revolves around the roommate—my GF has stolen a few more pairs of panties and even worn them while I fucked her, and her dirty talk is now almost entirely about her roommate.
This turns me on, so I don’t really want it to stop, but my questions are: 1) is this bad? 2) is this normal? We’re conditioned to believe women are less kinky and less sexual than men, and I don’t want to buy into that. My girlfriend says she isn’t “that weird”. I don’t know what to think.
—There’s No Acronym For This
I’m a 32-year-old straight male. Back in April, I met this girl. She seemed interested, but before we went out, she told me that she is a demisexual. (I had to Google it.) After a few dates, she had me over to her place, we watched a movie, and started making out. But when I started to put my hand between her legs, she calmly said, “Let’s not get ahead of ourselves.” No problem, I told her, I wasn’t trying to rush her. Fastforward a couple months. We’re still going on dates, we hug and kiss, we hold hands, we cuddle on the couch and watch movies—but still no sex. Is demisexuality real? Should I keep pursuing her?
—Is She Interested Totally Or Not?
I’m a queer girl living with a male partner. This weekend, we found ourselves in an after-hours club, made some new friends, and ended up at a house with two other guys and a girl. Things were pretty playful with everyone except for one of the guys.
We all wanted him gone, but he wouldn’t take the hint. He bought the booze for the after party, so we were a little unsure of the etiquette of asking him to leave. Neither I nor the other girl was interested. I made it clear that penetration was off the menu for me, and everyone respected this—except the one guy. He asked if I would do anal, and I refused. He shoved his fingers in my ass, and I stopped him. I positioned myself away from him, but he somehow got behind me again and put his bare dick in my ass—though barely.
The host pulled him off me. We were admittedly all a bit fucked up from partying. I had a stern talk with him about respecting consent—but when I felt his dick enter me from behind a second time, I got upset. My boyfriend threatened him, and the guy punched my boyfriend and broke my sweetheart’s nose. The host threw the guy out with no pants, so he had a well-deserved walk of shame. We don’t know the guy’s last name, so we can’t charge him. My question is this: as a couple, we enjoy threesomes/moresomes/swingers’ clubs, et cetera, and this wasn’t the first time a fun night was ruined by a persistent dick monster.
Do you have any suggestions for dealing with pricks like these? Sober and not horny me has all the answers, but when I’m feeling violated and vulnerable, and distracted by whatever dick/pussy is in my face, I’m not the loudmouthed feminist bitch I usually am. We all agree he should have been kicked out before the offences added up. Maybe he should have been kicked out when we all agreed we weren’t comfortable with him playing with us. What’s the etiquette of telling someone they can’t join in? I’m done dancing around assholes’ feelings.
—Queer Unicorn Exhausted Entertaining Numbskulls
I am a straight woman who just started fucking a hot, younger male coworker. The sexual tension between us was out of control until we stayed late one night and screwed on my desk. Since that night, we’ve hooked up a few more times. We grope each other in the office daily, as the “fear” of getting caught is a real turn-on for me. The problem—there always is one—is that he has a live-in girlfriend. He told me they are in an open relationship, so being with me isn’t cheating.
As per their arrangement, he won’t tell her about me, but if she finds out, he won’t lie. How do I know if he’s telling me the truth or if he’s saying these things so I’ll keep sleeping with him? She comes to work events with him, and I feel guilty because she is sweet and obviously adores him. Also, being coworkers adds another layer of issues. I am a well-liked employee who people consider very professional. He is new to the company and is a bit of a scatterbrain. The sex is amazing in part because he’s too immature for me to consider romantically. I’d love to keep seeing him for sex, but I don’t want to help him hurt someone else. Can I fuck him guilt-free?
—Not A Heartbreak Helper
P.S. I’ve already caught him in some minor lies. For instance, he said one of the rules of the open relationship is no sex in their apartment. Guess where we last fucked?
I’m an attractive 30-year-old woman. Recently, I was stuck in a packed subway car. I squeezed in next to the best-looking straphanger I could find, faced him like we were slow-dancing, pressed my tits into him, and straddled his leg. We were so close, my head was over his shoulder—I could feel an electrical charge running through his body—and we stayed that way until I got to my stop.
Upon parting, I whispered, “You’re very attractive.” And he whispered back, “So are you.” I’ve pulled this on crowded trains a few other times. They’re my favourite erotic memories, and it sure seemed like the guys enjoyed these experiences. But Charlie Rose thought he was “exploring shared feelings”. So I wanted to ask: am I a groper?
—Tiresome Reality Arrogates Intimate Nearness
I am in a relationship with a lovely and amazing man. Everything could be really good, if only his father would stop being a creep. He’s constantly telling me how beautiful, smart, and attractive I am. Last year around Christmas, I sang a few songs when we were visiting my boyfriend’s family, and his father commented that I have an “erotic” voice. A few days later, I received an email from him. Attached was a poem about my singing, where he called my voice “angelic” and “pure”. It made me really uncomfortable and I told him that I don’t want to receive poems from him and that he should stop complimenting me all the time. He didn’t.
When I told him again to stop commenting on my appearance, he responded that I must not like myself very much. I talked to my boyfriend’s mother, and she said she’s “given up” and ignores her husband’s behavior. It turns out that he behaved similarly with ex-girlfriends of my boyfriend’s brothers. I’m so angry and don’t know what to do. My boyfriend supports me, but it’s hard to talk about the topic, because it’s his father.
—Fucking Annoyed That He Engrosses Rightfulness
Love your column. Often you get questions on how to meet people/find partners, and you respond, “Get out of the house, go to the gym, volunteer.” Here’s one activity you haven’t mentioned: sign up for dance lessons, e.g., salsa, swing, tango, ballroom, et cetera. It’s not hard to find a dance studio that offers group lessons, and partners aren’t required. Anyone can join a class. A group dance class will expose you to many people and put them right in your arms as an introduction.
I can’t think of a better way to meet people. I’m a straight guy who met his last six girlfriends—the latest at nine years and counting—in dance classes. I honestly wouldn’t know what to do at a bar. Obviously, partner dance isn’t for everyone, but skeptics might be surprised. It’s a pretty great environment, and people seem at ease because everyone is focused on having fun.
—Strictly Come Dancing
I’m a 20-something straight woman. About a month ago, I had a really vivid dream in which I was at a party and engaging with a guy I had just met. We were seriously flirting. Then my fiancé showed up—my real, flesh-and-blood, sleeping-next-to-me fiancé—who we’ll call G. In the dream, I proceeded to shower G with attention and PDA; I was all over him in a way we typically aren’t in public. I was clearly doing it to get a reaction from the guy I’d just spent the last dream hour seducing. It was as if it had been my plan all along.
Last night, I had a similar dream. This time, the guy was an old high-school boyfriend, but otherwise it was the same: flirty baiting, followed by the use of G to reject and humiliate the other guy. I was really turned on by these dreams. In real life, whenever another woman has flirted with G, I get aroused—conscious of some feelings of jealousy but drawing pleasure from them. And when other men have flirted with me, I get similarly aroused for G. There is definitely a component in that arousal that wants to tease and mock these other men with what they can’t have, even though the teasing is just in my head.
I would never use another person like I do in these dreams/fantasies, because it’s cruel. But could this become a healthy role-playing outlet for me and G? Are there ethical implications to hurting strangers (albeit imaginary ones) for sexual pleasure? From what little I know of degradation/humiliation kinks, it’s important that the person being degraded is experiencing pleasure and satisfaction. Is it healthy to make someone’s (again, an imaginary someone’s) unwilling pain a part of our pleasure? If G is into it, this would be our first foray into fantasy/role-playing/whatever. But I worry that I might be poisoning the well by pursuing something so mean-spirited.
—My Extra-Arousing Nastiness
I’m a 25-year-old woman currently in a poly relationship with a married man roughly 20 years my senior. This has by far been the best relationship I’ve ever had. However, something has me a bit on edge. We went on a trip with friends to a brewery with a great restaurant. It was an amazing place, and I’m sure his wife would enjoy it. He mentioned the place to her, and her response was no, she didn’t want to go there because she didn’t want to have “sloppy seconds”. It made me feel dirty.
Additionally, the way he brushed this off means this isn’t the first time. I go out of my way to show him places I think they would like to go together. I don’t know if my feelings are just hurt—if it’s as childish as I think it is—or if it’s a reminder of my very low place in their hierarchy. I hesitate to bring this up because when I have needs or concerns, they label me as difficult or needy. Is this part of a bigger trend I’m missing? Should I do anything to address this or just continue to stay out of their business and go where I wish with my partner?
—Treated With Outrage