There are a couple of reasons why Valentine’s Day is stupid.
First off, the holiday’s mascot really throws us for a loop.
Easter has the Easter Bunny. St. Patrick’s Day has leprechauns. Halloween has jack-o’-lanterns.
And Valentine’s Day has a chubby teenage cherub wearing a diaper. If this isn’t confusing enough, the little man’s job is to shoot arrows at innocent bystanders in hopes that they will find love.
How has he become the symbol of desire and affection?
Along with the whole Cupid issue, the holiday has become increasingly materialistic over the years.
A day that was once about romance is now all about stuffed teddy bears, cinnamon hearts, and diamonds. We can probably blame this on Hallmark and confectionary manufacturers—no hate toward Purdy’s though because its chocolate peanut butter bars are jim-dandy.
The only thing that can make Valentine’s Day more unbearable is being single. Even if it’s by choice, scrolling through sappy couples’ Instagram posts can be nauseating to say the least.
If you’re looking for some ways you can say a big fuck you to the international day of love, we can help.
Celebrating anti-Valentine’s Day correctly requires the perfect amalgamation of self-love and self-pity. This can be achieved through the following:
Build yourself an angsty playlist
For those who hit their teenage years when The Used and Taking Back Sunday were at the peak of their careers, this step is easy as pie. Just dig out your old iPod Nano and revisit the “Recently Played” playlist.
Valentine’s Day is simply no match for Bert McCracken.
The tunes of Taylor Swift can also offer solace for singles on February 14th. Tracks like “Back to December”, “I Almost Do”, and “White Horse” can ease you into a comfortable state of heartache for the evening.
Watch a zombie movie
The key is to choose a movie that will spark every emotion other than those associated with being in love. There’s nothing worse than watching an on-screen couple unfold the perfect love story as you’re sprawled on the couch, wrist deep in a jar of Tostitos salsa con queso.
Personal favourites (and safe bets) include 28 Days Later, Dawn of the Dead, and Zombieland. If zombie movies aren’t your go-to genre, opt for other films that contain body dismemberment, exorcisms, or nightmarish clowns.
Host a “love sucks” party
Wallowing alone is not for everybody, which is why hosting a party with your closest friends can be a glorious distraction.
Guests can partake in plethora of heartless activities throughout the evening such as talking serious shit about your exes and throwing darts at photos of them.
If you prefer to keep the party on the lighter and brighter side, exchange love letters with your friends and play a couple board games.
Of course, no pity party is complete without wine, Ben & Jerry’s ice cream, and sweatpants.
Get yourself a gift
A fancy card: $7
A box of specialty chocolates: $30
A gift for yourself instead: probably more than $37 but happiness is priceless.
Instead of buying a gift for someone else, spend your hard-earned money on yourself. Finally, snag a new eyeshadow palette, insulated coffee tumbler, or some footed pyjamas for those chilly solo nights in bed.
Also, remember to take full advantage of department stores on the morning of February 15 as many sell the leftover Valentine’s chocolate for 50 percent off.
Volunteer your time
This is the sappiest of all the suggestions but perhaps the most fulfilling.
Even though you’re a strong, independent human being, there are people (and even animals) in our community who could use some extra attention. Listening to emo music from the early 2000s can be rather therapeutic but it pales in comparison to spending time with those in need.
This Valentine’s Day, volunteer at a seniors care home, homeless shelter, or BC SPCA.
But if you really want to spend the day at home with a box of delivery pizza, remember that care homes and charities are always looking for help—so reach out and schedule a time in the near future to visit.