A few questions about porn

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      My fiancée is extremely bothered by me looking at porn. It revolves around insecurities that have gotten so bad that even other girls bother her. (We can hardly go to a beach anymore.) I don’t have any weird relationship with porn—no addiction, no violent stuff, and I look pretty infrequently. She acknowledges that it’s a normal thing but is unable to get past it. She has gone through two counsellors on her own, and we have gone through two couples counsellors. They have all said the same thing: “It’s completely reasonable to want him to not look at porn, and if he loves you, he won’t look at it anymore.” I have been asked how often I look at it, why I won’t stop looking at it, why it is so important to me. They have recommended “clinics” to help me abstain from porn. This all happens after both of us say that our goal is for this—me looking at porn very occasionally—to not be a problem and even after we’ve told them that she used to be totally okay with it (four years ago) but now she feels crazy and doesn’t want to feel this way about it. Our last therapist said my refusal to go to a clinic showed that we had a toxic relationship! I’m dumbfounded. Every time we see a therapist like this, it damages our relationship.

      > Lack Of Sane Therapists

      “The therapists seen by LOST have drunk the Kool-Aid: porn is automatically bad, stopping porn use is always the best answer, the person who doesn’t like porn is always right,” said David Ley, writer, clinical psychologist, and author of The Myth of Sex Addiction. “Such therapists develop target fixation when porn is involved and lose sight of other, real issues that need to be addressed.”

      The most obvious issue that needs addressing is your fiancée’s evident and apparently metastasizing insecurity. (Yesterday you had to stop watching porn, today you can’t go to the beach, tomorrow you won’t be able to have female friends.) But since all the therapists you’ve seen thus far were batshit-crazy sexphobes—or “fixated” on porn, as Ley put it—her issues haven’t been addressed.

      “LOST’s fiancée probably sees his use of porn as a reflection of his level of attraction to her,” said Ley. “Or she’s worried that a man who looks at porn is a man who will cheat. I understand and empathize with her fear.”

      But Ley wonders if something else is at work here. “LOST’s fiancée might be dealing with a form of anxiety disorder, where obsession is sometimes expressed through irrational fears of infidelity,” he said. “A therapist who specializes in cognitive behavioural therapy (the ‘other kind of CBT’) for anxiety disorders may be helpful, and less likely to get distracted by blaming porn.”

      To find a therapist who specializes in CBT and isn’t a batshit-crazy, smut-shaming sexphobe, Ley suggests you find a therapist through the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists (aasect.org/) or the “Kink Aware Professionals Directory” at the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom (ncsfreedom.org/). “The therapists LOST will find there are more likely to be sex-positive,” said Ley, “and less likely to jump on the ‘porn is the root of all problems’ bandwagon.” You can follow David Ley on Twitter @DrDavidLey.


      My husband and I have been married for 10 years and have two children. We had a wild sex life in the beginning, but his job (he’s military) took him away so many times that our relationship (and the sex) took a nosedive. Upon coming back from deployments, he would always have an addiction to porn. I would believe him when he’d tell me that he stopped, but every time he’d come back it would start again. Last fall, he was gone for four months, and the addiction is still there. For the past year, he was going onto anonymous webcam sites and engaging in mutual masturbation with random women. I found out, and we are talking now about our problems and working to resolve them. The camming has stopped and we are going to attend counselling as a couple, but I also think he should attend counselling for himself. Our newfound communication and intimacy have reawakened my libido, and now I want it more than him. I’m angry that the lack of frequent sex is what drove him to porn, but now the problem is that I want it too much! I don’t know how to handle my newfound libido and his lack of interest. I need him to be more adamant about showing me he wants me. Am I reading too much into it and being too needy?

      > Paranoid And Reawakened

      “Increased porn use in men is very often a response to loneliness—due to divorce, separation, et cetera—or stress or depression,” said David Ley.

      Deployment to a war zone, needless to say, can be highly stressful and very lonely.

      “Sexual arousal is very good at diverting us from things we’re bothered by,” said Ley. “For many people, that’s fine, and it works great to let off steam. But if you’re not taking care of the real issue—loneliness, depression, stress—then the porn use can sometimes become its own problem.”

      Which is what seems to have happened in your case, PAR. Ley agrees that your husband should get some solo counselling in addition to the couples counselling you’re planning on getting together.

      As for your out-of-sync libidos, PAR, try to bear in mind that all of this—the discovery that it wasn’t just porn, the communication that’s happened in the wake of that revelation, the reawakening of your libido—basically just went down. It may take some time (and counselling) before you two reconnect and reestablish your sexual groove.
      “PAR’s husband might be intimidated by his wife’s libido and desire—if he is a guy who is struggling with unmanaged feelings of depression and anxiety,” said Ley. “So he could benefit from seeing a therapist and doing some work around how he is coping with these feelings while on deployment, and how he communicates these feelings to his wife. This way, she would know that when he’s not interested in sex, it’s because he’s stressed or depressed, not because of the porn.”


      My boyfriend likes to watch porn, but I do not. (Male couple, both 22, together two years.) He sometimes wants to watch it “with” me, and this is our compromise: he sits on my face, I rim him while he watches porn, we stroke ourselves. He’s not “present” when we do this—he’s focused on his porn. My best friend says this isn’t sex and isn’t healthy. She says I’m being used and she thinks less of my boyfriend now. I don’t feel like I’m being used. We still have good “regular” sex with no porn. But it’s true that I wouldn’t do this (rim him while he basically ignores me) if it weren’t for my boyfriend’s desire to watch porn sometimes instead of having “regular” sex with me. Should I stop doing this? Am I being used?

      > Really Into My Man

      P.S. I love eating his ass and I always come when we do this.

      “If it’s working for him and his boyfriend, RIMM shouldn’t let anybody tell him what he should be feeling,” said David Ley. “This is the epitome of healthy GGG compromise. Rim away.”

      Comments

      10 Comments

      Porn is POISON

      Jan 14, 2015 at 7:36am

      There are a couple of excellent TEDTalks videos on youtube about the damage porn does to healthy relationships. Porn takes one partner's sexual focus and energy away from the other. It is NEVER healthy, and it is impossible to break a porn habit. The only thing to do is leave and find a healthy partner.

      I find Savage's advice on most topics useful, but he doesn't seem to understand how much agony and betrayal porn creates in a relationship, not to mention the damage it does to the dignity and integrity of the people appearing on film.

      Let me guess, you're a woman...

      Jan 14, 2015 at 9:28am

      ... so here's the other side of it. Men will be jerking off till the end of time. They often require some version of porn to do so. Porn, in various forms, has been around for thousands of years and will be around as long as there are normal, healthy men around.

      The column above touches on a fair point, that women may feel insecure that their man is suddenly more into porn and less into her. That's the side-effect of monogamy, because it actually isn't natural for a man to be with the same partner forever. Socially, yes... but instinctually, no. If he needs a little porn to keep his imagination going, what's the problem...? As long as he's coming home to eat, does it matter where he gets his appetite?

      The alternative is he'd out actually screwing around for real with someone else. Be thankful there are terabytes of great porn only a click away. Better than having to wander down to 7-11 at midnight for the latest copy of Hustler. And far better than wandering down to the corner to see if the town pump wants to turn a trick on you.

      Ultimately, porn is part of every healthy relationship whether both couples know about it or not. Women who've been happily married for decades, let me assure you. Your guy is watching porn. Do you care? He's a great father, husband, partner, lover. So he jerks it to a fantasy once in a while. As he should.

      NOT all men

      Jan 14, 2015 at 10:05am

      watch or need Porn.

      Men can and do have healthy sexual appetites, as do lots of women.
      Porn can be very unhealthy (causing intimacy problems between a Man and his partner).Self-gratification may at times be used as a release, but when it is the preferred method (rather be surfing, viewing then actually being IN the act ), it is NOT healthy to the partner OR the man jerking. As we all know, any addiction can and usually causes a break-down.

      If you use porn to get Hard or explode, I would suggest finding out the underlying issue. Why you are afraid of human contact and intimacy.

      If you're sexually challenged, undesirable , inexperienced, unable to release manually, single, discovery seeking, adolescent, then porn maybe your only option. Less rejerktion (rejection).
      But I would rather express, caress something REAL, who feels.

      Well...

      Jan 14, 2015 at 10:12am

      As long as the porn does not replace me, I don't mind if my better half watches it.

      Ima Mann

      Jan 14, 2015 at 11:37am

      At least for me preventing myself from doing things is really stupid and counterproductive. Obviously everyone in every relationship needs to find their own way, but personally I think we should be happy that there is porn out there. Porn is wonderful when you're feeling horny, feeling sad, feeling lonely. No cost porn is a great money saver, because otherwise some people might be visiting prostitutes, and unfortunately prostitutes are capitalists. More unpaid sex is the answer to most of our social problems, so I say three cheers for porn.

      Porn is POISON

      Jan 14, 2015 at 11:51am

      @ Let me guess, you're a woman...

      No, I am not a woman. Neither are Ran Gavrieli and Gary Wilson. Type them into youtube and hear them out. It's everyone's choice individually what they put into their own bodies, minds, and relationships. All I'm saying is that I would never poison my brain or my relationship with porn. You will probably feel the same way after hearing these two * MEN * speak about porn.

      P.S. I'm not a prude, either. I've had all kinds of sexual encounters, but the goal was always kindness, pleasure, and intimacy, not exploitation and betrayal.

      RUK

      Jan 14, 2015 at 10:02pm

      The problem with porn is that fantasies tend to turn into plans. Why else do we tell kids to dream big, or to visualize what they want? The saying "be careful what you wish for" has a practical application!

      That's not to say that it has to be a bad thing or that it always turns into something awful, of course not. But to say it is harmless wouldn't be the truth either. Maybe it is like alcohol, fine in limited doses.

      get real

      Jan 15, 2015 at 12:37pm

      @ Let me guess:

      Are you SERIOUS? Are men so incapable of mature behaviour that the only choices are porn or infidelity? Get real. I've been married to the same wonderful guy for 23 years, but if he ever said that to me, I would have his bags packed and he'd be out on his butt before he could put a period on the end of that sentence!

      Some men are actually adults. As women, we get treated like commodities only if we allow it.

      I stopped bothering with him.....

      Jan 15, 2015 at 4:22pm

      After reconnecting with him, he admitted he had been watching a lot of it. Our intimate times together use to be incredible, and last for hours each time. But once we got back to seeing each other again for the first time in a few months. I walked away feeling very disappointed.He use to be satisfying very much so, so much that I wanted more from him. But the last time we were together he only lasted almost 10 minutes. So I have decided that "No" I don't have to choose him...And I'm very glad that I did because.....Well let's just say I am very satisfied, even more so...

      Pete

      Jan 30, 2015 at 9:28am

      He looks(does "looks" ever not translate to "compulsively masturbates to" for a guy?) at porno "pretty infrequently" and that alone has been enough to land the both of them in two different therapists' offices?

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