I have a tendency to kill boners

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      I’m a cute, mostly straight, twentysomething, single, and (safely) sexually active woman. This happens to me pretty often: I hook up with a guy, we start fooling around, and we’re both really into it. I reach down, and he’s full sail. Things progress—clothes come off, et cetera—and, as is generally the polite order of things, the lady comes first. (This isn’t the problem.) I’m not aggressive, but I’m not shy. I tell a partner what I like and how to do it. They are always happy to oblige. The thing is, after I get off, a lot of times, the guy is limp. (This is the problem.) They usually express frustration and indicate that they’re very much turned on but it’s just not working. Generally after a few times, they will stop having this problem, and we will end up having lots of fun. So I don’t think I’m doing anything “wrong” to kill the boners. I think maybe I’m just intimidating. In fact, I’ve been told so. Why does this happen and how can I reduce the awkwardness? Should I talk about it or just ignore it? And should I keep trying to make him hard? Or will that just make his dick panic worse?

      > Fragile Ego Males

      P.S. The more a guy likes me, the more this seems to happen.

      So… You go to bed with a guy, he’s at full sail, and then you inform him that you, the lady of the hookup, will be coming first. You instruct him in the art of What I Like & How You Should Do It, and by the time he’s done—by the time he gets you off—that dick has sailed. Or his dick sails are empty. Or something.

      Why does this happen? I have three theories…

      Theory 1: Lots of straight guys make it into their mid 20s without ever having encountered a sexually assertive woman, FEM. A woman who advocates for herself in the sack, who knows what she likes and isn’t too shy to ask for/insist on it, can come as a shock to a sheltered/indulged/entitled boy’s dicksystems. And while some deeply insecure guys (guys you wouldn’t wanna waste your time and your twat on anyway) may find your assertiveness off-putting (or sail-emptying or dick-limpening or whatever), it may be the case that even the more secure guys you go to bed with (guys you would wanna lavish your time and twattention on) could be thrown by their first encounter with a sexually assertive woman.

      Theory 2: Guys who throw themselves into making it happen for you could be losing their erections because they’re focusing on pleasing you and getting you off. Making it happen for a partner—particularly if you’re making it happen with your mouth and it takes longer than 15 minutes—can be hard work. A guy can get wrapped up in giving someone pleasure, slip into a more service-oriented head space, and then discover that his dick has wandered off when it’s “his turn”.

      Theory 3: If you’re going home with some guy at 3 a.m. after a night of boozing, and he spends the first 45 minutes eating your pussy, he may be spent by the time you get off.

      And here’s how you reduce the awkwardness when it does happen: acknowledge the situation without dwelling on it, don’t treat it like a catastrophe, and suggest taking a break—have some ice cream! Get a few hours’ sleep!—before having another go at it. And when you start in again, FEM, go with the impolite order of things, i.e., he comes first next time.

      P.S. The more a guy likes you, FEM, the more performance anxiety he may experience. And the more he likes you, the more invested he may be in—and the more distracted he may be by—getting you off..

      I’ve been in a relationship with my boyfriend for two years, and we’ve been living together for one. Several times a day, in passing, he reaches his hand inside my shirt and quickly grabs a boob, and then continues on his way. I could be cooking or studying or brushing my teeth, and he just digs in there out of the blue and doesn’t usually even acknowledge me before or after. In bed, he is very considerate and giving, GGG and all that—no complaints. I’ve tried to bring it up two or three times, but he gets offended, so I drop it. Do I have a right to prefer an offhand kiss on the forehead or something more affectionate and less boob-grabby? Is this typical for LTRs? Am I a selfish prude?

      > Groped Too Fucking Often

      Before we talk about your boobs and what you can do about your asshole boyfriend—pepper spray?—can we talk about my husband’s ass for a second?

      It’s a spectacular ass, and I love to grab it. But my husband doesn’t like to be grabbed in certain ways, in certain places, or at certain times. So I don’t grab his ass in those ways, in those places, or at those times—despite how much I like to grab his ass. Because that spectacular ass of his? It’s his ass, not my ass, and he gets to decide when, where, and how it gets grabbed, touched, fingered, fucked, spanked, et cetera. And I respect his limits because I respect him. Because he’s my partner, not my possession.
      Those boobs of yours? They’re yours, GTFO, and you need to communicate to your boyfriend that there are times when you want him to grab your boobs and times when you don’t want him to grab your boobs. Don’t make the mistake of framing this conversation around his feelings. You are not “bringing it up” to see how to come to some sort of understanding or compromise. You’re bringing it up to set a limit. And once that limit is set, GTFO, don’t put up with the boob grabbing. If he leans in to grab your boob, move away, slap his hand, blast him with pepper spray—whatever it takes, in other words, to communicate your displeasure in an unambiguous manner. If he gets offended, let him. If he stays offended, leave him.

      I’m a 46-year-old homo who’s fairly content most days living the single life. Since coming out when I was 20, I’ve been in a series of failed relationships and single for the last 10 years. I’m convinced I never really learned how to flirt. I get all tripped up when I see a PYT who I want to talk to. Add to the mix that I was diagnosed in ’91 as poz. I’m so afraid of rejection that I don’t even try anymore. I’m good-looking, outdoorsy, adventurous, and free-spirited. I’m not afraid of exploring caves or rappelling off cliffs, but I’m a total wimp when it comes to interacting with a potential mate. I know there are younger guys who are attracted to older guys like myself. I’d love some advice on how to increase my mojo regarding flirting and dating.

      > Doing It Really Trepidatiously

      Nothing will boost your dating mojo like getting laid, DIRT, and that won’t happen if you don’t force yourself to take risks and talk to the next PYT—pretty young thing—who catches your eye. And remember: lots of twentysomething and thirtysomething PYTs are poz themselves, DIRT, and lots of negative guys are willing to date poz guys. Putting yourself out there may result in some unpleasant rejection from jerks who are freaked out by your HIV status—but you don’t want to date jerks, right?



      A. MacInnis

      Aug 28, 2013 at 11:34am

      Re: Fragile Ego Males - for the record, as a "ladies' first" guy myself, I vote for Theory Two. Unless you're talking about a teenager with a perma-boner, erections don't wait around at full attention while guys are concentrating on getting a woman off; they go back to sleep and ask to be woken up when it's their turn, so as not to distract their owner from the job at hand. Certainly that's how my cock works, anyhow, so from my point of view, what FEM is describing here is absolutely, 100% normal and has nothing to do with either fragile male egos or assertive females or "being spent" or fluoridation of the water or what-have-you. And the remedy is - without treating the limp penis as the slightest cause for concern or reacting as if something is wrong (or "taking a break" or such) - just show the guy's fella some attention, let him know that it's "time to go to work," and he'll be back to full mast in seconds.

      Add to this, though, that if that's what this women is bringing to bed - that she is an "erection killer," and that men have something wrong with them for not being able to deal with her (very tentative-sounding) attempts at dominance - she might start finding that her experience fits her theory; by THINKING herself an erection killer, she could well become one (I've met a girl like this, for the record). There's some weirdness, some bad conscience, maybe even some anti-maleness in her psychology that you're not tapping into - like she's self-conscious about being assertive, and figures that everything that follows is her fault, when what she's witnessing is simply the Normal Behaviour of Cocks. She needs to get over herself - guys (and their cocks) are pretty hardy, actually. They just conserve their energy when there's no need for it. No big deal.

      Pender Guy

      Aug 28, 2013 at 6:36pm

      Theory Two in most cases.

      hand job...

      Aug 30, 2013 at 11:40am

      Actually the lady in question says, ..."I reach down, he's full sail"... to ME, that says, I did a quick check with my hand and that's it.

      The gals I slept with in my university years were just like that. Didn't touch me at all, expected I suppose that being a young guy, I would just be all stiff from the experience of being with her or whatever. Lady: touch and fondle your guy A LOT even if you want to get off first. Jeesh. Elephant in the room.


      Sep 1, 2013 at 12:36pm

      I've found that a lot of women who want a lot of foreplay get wrapped up in the attention being paid to them and stop stimulating their partner. A guy (in this case me) is turned on at the beginning, but go into service mode after a couple of minutes with no attention. The mood is kind of gone at that point for me. I think this woman's tendency to kill boners rests mostly with her not bothering to pleasure her partner until she gets off. I'm not sure if it's because these people feel that a guy should be turned on just by being in their naked presence or what, but I don't really find them to be good lovers... at least at first. I'm sure others love it though. I think that if a guy told a girl straight up what he specifically wants her to do and that his orgasm comes first (pun intended), he'd be labelled an asshole. Maybe this boner killer is just an asshole too.


      Sep 10, 2013 at 12:05pm

      My thoughts are maybe she doesn't smell as pleasant as she should. It's pretty hard to get an erection when the thought of actually having sex with a tuna is the next best option. I say jump in the shower or ease up and see if he wants to try again another time. Chances are, she hasn't found one man to keep because she hasn't kept herself overly hygienic.


      Sep 13, 2013 at 3:42pm

      Obviously she doesn't know about give and take AT THE SAME TIME. You're supposed to be pleasing your partner who whomever you're fucking that night at the same time they're pleasing you.

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