How do I talk to my boyfriend about penis size while keeping his ego intact?

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      I’m a Savage Lovecast listener, but I’m sending this question to your column because my boyfriend would for sure recognize my voice if I called the show. I’m 25, I live in Portland, and my boyfriend and I have been monogamous for five years. His dick is of average size. It’s not small enough for him to have dealt with the emotional baggage associated with “small dicks”. Yet, I’ve had sex with big dicks, and I would love to try one of those dick sheaths or extenders or whatever. But my boyfriend is a sensitive guy, and I feel like I’m going to permanently fuck up our sex life if I ask for one. How can I propose this without him feeling like his manhood is insufficient? I’ve heard you talk about how it’s best to share your kinks as if they were added bonuses—and not as if they were terminal cancers—but I can’t figure out how to talk about this without hurting his ego. Advice?

      > Sincerely Loves Average Man

      “Getting a sheath onto her boyfriend’s dick without hurting his feelings will be a bit tricky,” said Matthew Nolan of OhJoySexToy.com. “No matter their size, lads around the world are brought up with dick insecurities. Having said that, a dick sheath isn’t the worst thing in the world for her to bring to the table: it involves her boyfriend as a participant, and it keeps his dick in the loop.”

      Matthew and his partner, Erika Moen, collaboratively create an informative, subversive, and entertaining weekly comic that focuses on the world of sex—from sex-toy reviews to interviews with people in the sex industry to sharing sex-education lessons. They research and write the text together, and Erika does all the drawing. Why comics?

      “Sex education is typically very dry,” said Erika. “A wall of text about abstract concepts and then some alien diagrams—it’s really hard to relate that information to your own body. Comics are especially well equipped to teach people about their bodies, sexual options, and reproductive choices because they combine images and text together, making subjects approachable and visually appealing. And, hey, adding in a joke or two helps make people feel included in the conversation instead of being lectured at.”

      In a recent comic, Matthew gave cock sheaths a try. Cock sheaths—for those of you who haven’t visited a sex-toy shop in a while—are a popular new sex toy that allows an average dude to be huge, and a huge dude to be ridiculous. They’re pliable-but-firm hollow dildos that a guy wears over his dick. The dude slides his hard, lubed-up dick inside the sheath, pulls his balls through a ring at the base that prevents the sheath from sliding off, and proceeds to bang away at his partner’s hole(s) like a porn star.

      That’s the theory, anyway.

      “The dick sheaths I tried weren’t the greatest thing for my partner and me,” Matthew said. “They dull the senses and turn your dick into an unwieldy mess. Despite owning a few, my preference is to use a big dildo on my partner instead of wearing a dick sheath.”

      But if it’s a dick sheath you want, SLAM, Matthew has some advice about how to get one.

      “SLAM should suggest going sex-toy shopping with her boyfriend,” Matthew said. “She could tell her boyfriend she’s in a filthy mood and fancies something big. She should put the emphasis on wanting him to give her some big-toy fucking and add that this is something that you can both do together. Have him help pick out different toys—like some big dildos—while saying encouraging things like ‘Ooohh, wouldn’t you like to fuck me with this one?’ When you come across the cock sheath, add it to your cart, explaining that it would be a perfect sex-toy solution for your mood.”

      I’m going to break in here for a second: if you feel like your boyfriend might have a meltdown if you start talking about wanting something huge for a change—the implication being, of course, that he isn’t able to provide you with that something on his own (how big are his forearms?)—head to the sex-toy shop without any stated agenda and see how he reacts to the cock sheaths on display. If he recoils from them, SLAM, you might wanna steer him over to the body paints and bondage gear. But if he seems intrigued and not threatened by the cock sheaths, ask him how he’d feel about fucking you with one of those, without seeming too hugely invested in being fucked by one of those yourself.

      And what do you do if you manage to leave the sex-toy store with a cock sheath and a boyfriend whose ego is still intact?

      “Be encouraging about enjoying the extra size and having him fuck you with toys,” Matthew said. “When it comes to the sheath, keep it jovial: laugh about it and tell him he’s sexy. A fun atmosphere can help alleviate insecurities. And by the time you’re done and dusted, you’ll know better if you prefer him with or without the sheath.”

      Go to OhJoySexToy.com to see examples of Erika and Matthew’s work. Their comic about pregnancy is particularly inspired and a great resource for parents who are having a hard time explaining where babies come from. Follow them on Twitter at @PlusTenStrength and @ErikaMoen.


      I am a 22-year-old heterosexual female. I may possibly be bi, but I don’t know. I really like the dick, but I am attracted to women and fantasize about fucking a pretty woman with a strap-on. I asked my boyfriend of a year if I could live out my fantasy, but he said he doesn’t want me “fucking another woman like a man”. I asked if maybe I could do this to him instead, but he said no. I like BDSM, but the most he’ll do is hold my arms down and spank me. I’ve asked for other things—bondage, nipple clamps, paddles, et cetera—but he says that stuff takes too much time and the bother of it “kills the mood”. I offered to set up stuff beforehand—ropes already tied to the corners of the bed, for instance—but he doesn’t want me to do that because “what if someone saw it”. Am I just being inconsiderate and selfish? Maybe I’m asking too much, but I felt that I was beyond honest about all of this before we started dating. My ex-husband (yes, ex-husband: I got married at 16 and divorced last year) was never okay with any of this, either, and would call me a freak when I opened up about my desires, so I made sure not to hide them from my current boyfriend when we met. Now what am I supposed to do? Just drop it? Or should I talk to him? How do I talk to him?

      > Confused And Sexually Denied

      Yes, CASD, you should drop it—and by “it” I mean “him”.

      You wasted five years of your life on a man who couldn’t meet your needs and sex-shamed you about your perfectly ordinary, perfectly average kinks. You’ve been with this new guy for a year, and he’s revealed himself to be every bit as lazy, inconsiderate, and sex-shamey as your ex-husband. DTMFA. There are tons of guys out there who would 1) be happy to indulge your kinks and 2) make lovely boyfriends and/or husbands. Go find one—or two or three or four.

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      Comments

      16 Comments

      @slam

      Sep 11, 2013 at 9:27am

      Stop being greedy. Seriously. Telling your guy that he's not big enough isn't going to end well, no matter how you present or frame it.

      He may not have any emotional baggage yet, but almost guaranteed he will after you're done with him. Unless he likes being emasculated.

      Is having a big dick that important to you that you're willing to screw up an otherwise good long-term relationship? Is the rest of the sex that bad that you can't feel satisfied?

      There are almost always things about our partners that we maybe would prefer to be different that would more align with our desires. But if all you do is focus on the deficiencies and not the overall package, you will never, ever be satisfied.

      TW

      Sep 11, 2013 at 1:46pm

      Have you tried kegel exercises? They help make you much tighter. Also, have you tried different sex positions that will give you a more "full" feeling?

      Cockface

      Sep 11, 2013 at 1:54pm

      This whole big-dick small-dick issue is so deflating for most men. If a lady wants to know what it's like... imagine your man asking you if you would mind having a thick smooth sleave inserted inside you so its a tighter fit, which is of course what a nice pussy should be right!? "Your big sloppy vagina is just not tight enough babe, here put this in"

      Is that going to make you feel like an attractive sexy woman, or is it going to make you feel completely insecure about your fanny with your partner, and every man from that day on...

      RUK

      Sep 11, 2013 at 2:52pm

      Lotta defensive men out there...

      The wise man who writes this column, Dan Savage, is all about GGG and communication.

      In that spirit, I think that if the partner wants a fuller feeling, or a tighter feeling, then the partner should go ahead and ask for it. It is fun to go on shopping trips to the adult products store and find technological solutions.

      Only people who completely identify with their organ should feel personally rebuked by such requests (assuming that they are made with a modicum is civility - "hey, no-dick" is probably not the greatest way to commence the discussion).

      Also, bear in mind that when does not get the desire filled (no pun intended) from the partner, one unfortunate result is getting it someplace else.

      defensive

      Sep 11, 2013 at 3:59pm

      It's not being defensive.

      Wanting fuller feeling - fine. Using toys to get that feeling - also fine.

      Making it about a perceived lacking of your partner? - so not fine.

      And if the lack is so important that cheating is going to be the result, the guy in question would be better off without them anyway.

      The fact of the matter is, once you sleeve it, you're turning the guy into a living blow up doll and may as well just use a dildo (and dildos are more maneuverable anyway). It's also devaluing the act without that sleeve and basically saying that sex without it isn't even worth it.

      What I'm trying to say is that if it's purely the physical sensation provided by a bigger object, there's not going to be any difference between a sleeve and a dildo, and not making him wear a sleeve at least allows him to feel that enjoyment can be provided that way, even if it's not the same (not better or worse, just different). That is, supplementing with toys, not replacing.

      RUK

      Sep 12, 2013 at 9:07am

      It's not devaluing the act without the sleeve, it's supplementing, in your words.

      IMO people are far too quick to dump their partner. This isn't a quickie scenario, Dan's addressing someone who has had a monogamous relationship for five years. If technology, frank talk and some good will can fix the matter, then it's worth trying. It's stupid and weak to sit in silence not getting what you want in bed because you can't bring up the subject, that's my only point.

      Obviously I am not saying that the subject should be broached in a way that devalues the partner. You wouldn't say: "um, honey, we need an extra space to park the car, what about your vagina?" or "there was this show on TLC about people with unusually small dicks, I was thinking you should be on it."

      Tact. Tact is good.

      John

      Sep 12, 2013 at 7:22pm

      This prickly subject is brought to a head when you can actually guesstimate his size :

      The Predicktor app is awesome !

      A Canadian physician pulled (and pulled?) the research together to come up with a formula to estimate his size.
      Is truly funny, very informative and I think brings up some realistic "predicktions!"

      AWESOME IN A BAR :)

      Find someone else

      Sep 13, 2013 at 10:17am

      If a girl is unhappy with her guy's penis size, she should move on, just like if a guy is unhappy with his girlfriend's breast size, he should move on. Some things can't be changed. And it's very sensitive. How would the woman feel if her boyfriend asked her to put on 'tit prosthetics' because he missed the big bosomed girls he used to have sex with? Right. Move on, lady. And let your man be with someone who loves his dick the size it is. It's a fundamental part of who he is.

      Rent a hooker

      Sep 13, 2013 at 7:44pm

      Hire a male giggalo. Serious.

      You get exactly what you're looking for, it's a temporary professional business arrangement and they do exactly what you want. After 1-2hrs you get off, they leave, and there's no clingy phonecalls, stalking or emotional problems like you would get trying to do this with somebody online or in a nightclub.

      I live with a girl and do this. She has an occaisonal fetish for gigantic dick and I like to sometimes screw vampy looking goth chicks. So we made a deal to have whore night and both go out and pay for a professional arrangement. It's not really cheating, not like we are searching for affection, attention and love because of a failed relationship. It's just 1-2hrs to get off and go home.

      I can't really restrict myself to screwing the same girl forever without losing interest in sex, neither can she. But since we get along so well together, are loyal to each other in ways that matter (no backstabbing, no lies), and both have success in life being together why the fuck not screw around with consent. Better than wearing a ridiculous cock sheath thing with zero feeling.

      I like having sex with her a lot more now too, since it's intimate love making since we both screw professionals who are good fakers but not in love with us, so it's more genuine and appreciated.

      Just make sure you use protection, get tested regularly, blah blah blah and wash your bits immediately afterwards with plenty of soap/water so you don't end up with MRSA. Can also buy that soap JiuJitsu students use to prevent skin problems from rubbing against strangers.

      Alan Layton

      Sep 14, 2013 at 6:27pm

      Don't forget that intercourse for us guys is just as much (or more) about satisfying ourselves as satisfying the woman. With something like that on, plus the blow to your ego, I can't imagine physically enjoying it, or even being able to stay hard. Even if you only have to wear it occasionally, you'll know that without it, she feels you're inadequate. I'm sure there is a small percentage of men who either get off on the humiliation or are true GGG, but the majority of men aren't like that, and there's nothing wrong with it. If it happened to me, I'd go out and a find a woman who is satisfied with me.

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