Classism and snobbery will complicate your sex life

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      I’m a 23-year-old homo who came out one year ago. Life has done good and bad things to me. Good things include success in the intelligence lottery, a full ride to college, and now a job with a six-figure income. Sadly, I find that my place in life is different from the place occupied by most other young gay men. When meeting someone, I am often bummed to discover that they are in a state of transience (between cities, between degrees), or bummed because I detect a difference in socioeconomic upbringing/status that will make it hard for us to relate to each other, or bummed because they are not as smart as I am, or most often bummed over a combination of all these things. These thoughts sap my interest in new people, telling me that “it just wouldn’t work.” Am I right to think that and keep looking, or should I do some substantial “rounding up to one” and go on that second date, even though the odds of compatibility seem slim?

      > Lots Of First Dates

      I’m tempted to tell you not to go on “that second date” with anyone you feel is beneath you intellectually, socioeconomically, or status- or upbringing-wise—not to spare you his ghastly company, LOFD, but to spare him the ghastliness of yours.

      Look, Gloria Upson, if dating gay men your own age means exposing yourself to guys who are in “states of transience”—completely normal states for dudes in their early 20s—then date guys in their 30s and 40s. Not that dating older guys is a surefire recipe for romantic success: your snobbery, classism, and elitism are so repulsive that most older guys will be blocking your number before you can call about a second date.

      Andrew Sullivan wrote a beautiful post on The Dish a few weeks ago about the egalitarianism of getting laid. He recalled dancing all night in a gay club full of African-American guys back when he was a “cute twinky English schoolboy”. And Andrew didn’t just dance with the black guys he encountered after moving to Washington, D.C.

      “There’s nothing like dating or fucking a person of another background, race, or class to help you see the humanity in everyone,” Andrew wrote. “How do you get scared of generic young black men when you’ve danced with them all night long?…In that sense, I’ve always felt that being gay was a real moral blessing. I could have been so much worse a human being if I’d been straight.”

      You’re young, LOFD, and I’m being hard on you. I don’t mean to step on your Ping-Pong ball. But if you don’t get a grip on your classism and snobbery, you will become so much worse a human being than you need to be. So snap the fuck out of it, okay? And remember: we gay people are a tiny, tiny minority. If you reject as potential partners, friends, and fuck buddies all gay men who aren’t of your exact same class, education level, social status (ugh), or salary level (barf), LOFD, you won’t be left with many guys to date, hang out with, or fuck.

      Which is not to say that you’ll wind up alone. Refusing to date any gay man who doesn’t belong to the same club that Bunny Bixler does (and isn’t pulling in 100K+ a year) will complicate your search for love, LOFD, but there are other gay snobs out there. You could find a boyfriend who’s just like you, i.e., same class, same education, same income bracket, same snobbery and shitty-ass attitude. But I wouldn’t wish that kind of guy on anyone, LOFD.

      Not even on you.

      I recently started dating a 26-year-old female. I was a little surprised when she told me that she gets nothing out of oral sex, as that has been my typical method for getting my past partners off. Eventually, I was to discover that this was because she has no external glans (clitoris hood/head). It’s just smooth skin where a clit would be. I was shocked when she showed me. She is probably the easiest person I’ve ever met to get to orgasm (thank god!), so this isn’t a problem, just a mystery. I know that the clitoris is much larger than just the part you can see—the “head”—and she gets off on the feeling of pressure on and around where the glans would normally be, so I’m sure she has developed nerves and, I guess, has a clit under the skin. She assumed this was common enough, as none of her gynecologists has ever brought it to her attention. Have you ever heard of this? Is it common?

      > Clitorless Lad In Torment

      “It’s pretty rare, but yes, it happens,” said Debby Herbenick, a research scientist at Indiana University, a sexual-health educator at the Kinsey Institute, the author of Sex Made Easy (among other books), a frequent guest expert for Savage Love, and the only woman who has ever chased me around a room with a vulva puppet.

      When a woman doesn’t have an exposed clitoral glans, “there’s usually other genital parts that haven’t developed or have developed in atypical ways,” said Herbenick. “But there have been a few case reports in which the women had other typically developed genital parts—labia, et cetera—while the clitoris alone is missing or very small. Some of these women report erotic sensation in the clitoral area.”

      Should your girlfriend talk to a doctor about it?

      “I haven’t seen this woman’s genitals specifically,” said Herbenick, “but sometimes there is atrophy or even ‘coverage’ of the clitoris (for example, the hood fuses over the glans partially or completely) due to vulvar skin disorders such as lichen sclerosus. Some children have LS, and often it goes undiagnosed for years and, without treatment, her clitoral hood could have fused over the glans. A dermatologist or gynecologist knowledgeable about vulvar dermatoses could look into this possibility via a very small biopsy. (Doctors with expertise in vulvar health can be found through”

      Follow Dr. Herbenick on Twitter @DebbyHerbenick.

      My girlfriend and I have a vibrant relationship. Sex is great and adventurous when we have it, but I have one small issue that clouds up the sexual chemistry and turns me into a sombre theologian: since the earliest days of my childhood, I was told by my family that abortion was a horrible, horrible thing. And that thought has complicated my relationships. I simply don’t know how to get past this thought and indulge my partner and myself sexually without feeling uncertain about the possible outcome of our getting funky. I feel awful that my girlfriend has to deal with this moral panic of mine, and I’m sick of putting her through it. Help!

      > Bummed About Bad Experiences

      Some suggestions: use a hormonal birth control method and a condom and pull out before you come. Don’t have penis-in-vagina intercourse—you can stick to oral sex, mutual masturbation, and doing her in the butt (if being done in the butt is something your girlfriend enjoys). Deposit a few loads at a sperm bank, keep ’em on ice until you want kids, and get a vasectomy.

      Or hey, you could learn more about abortion while continuing to act responsibly, i.e., using birth control and condoms. Abortion is not a horrible, horrible thing. It is a medical, medical thing.


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      Sep 25, 2013 at 9:00am

      For once I think Dan is less than perfectly wise. Why date someone that you cannot talk to? That's not being a jerk. That's electing to have interesting company instead of just using someone as an animated fleshlight.


      Sep 25, 2013 at 1:19pm

      Woah look at the thumbs.

      So, really, elaborate. Defend Dan. Is that guy supposed to bestow his junk a semi-public utility for the benefit of his community, or is he entitled to have standards?

      Wasn't there a slanderous stereotype, which I thought had been debunked long ago, about gay guys being over-promiscuous?

      Or is sex now merely being sociable, the new smiling pleasantly and having an adequate handshake?


      Sep 25, 2013 at 2:54pm

      Ruk, It just seems distasteful that this person would base their attraction/compatability/sexual interest in potential romantic partners on such superficial matters... not wanting to associate with those who sit below his socioeconomic status and level of intelligence. It's just eliteism and it's ugly, that's all.

      A bit like the Real Housewives of Vancouver, there's no crime being committed, but christ, do you really want to aspire to a life like that. Dan's not calling him out for being wrong necessarily, only shallow and conceited.


      Sep 25, 2013 at 3:37pm

      Thanks for the reply. I enjoy learning why I am wrong about things...that's why I am always learning...

      But look, this is not about associating, is it? It's about bumping uglies. If he is talking to someone who is hot but then is incapable of intelligible speech, is he not entitled to admit that his wood deflates? Instead, Dan excoriated him.

      OTOH Dan did suggest he meet older people.

      I dunno. What I was reacting to was the suggestion that because there aren't a lot of gay people, he should be suck it up, so to speak, when confronted with airheads.

      Maybe I misread.


      Sep 25, 2013 at 4:37pm

      The elitism and snobbery are right there in your statement "incapable of intelligible speech". People of all classes, "statuses", and income levels are capable of intelligible speech. Sometimes that speech is easily intelligible to you (when you are from the same world) and sometimes it isn't. Sometimes you have to work hard to understand a new language, something which you will *never* do if you are arrogant enough to cling to the belief that you are superior to everyone else out there who are "below" you.

      I have a Master's degree and received my undergraduate degree from a prestigious university. Somehow or another (I think maybe because I'm not an asshole) I managed to be able to have conversations and relationships with all kinds of people. Homeless folks, bureaucrats, college professors, day laborers, you name it.

      Both the LOFD and RUK need to get their heads out of their asses and realize that their artificial notions of social hierarchy are getting in the way of being able to connect with people.


      Sep 25, 2013 at 7:47pm


      I congratulate you on your non-assholery.

      But let me clarify: you appear to be saying that during your undergraduate studies from a prestigious university, you were having sex with homeless folks, bureaucrats, college professors, day laborers, and you name it? I envy your energy.

      Because that's the context. Not "am I better than other people" per se. It's "how do I get turned on" - that was the question.

      I thought.

      Generally speaking, of course you're right. The notion of breeding social betters is, obviously, anathema in our classless society. One learns from high and low, and so on and so forth.


      Sep 27, 2013 at 1:22am


      But does your partner work at Walmart?

      Why should he settle for someone who doesn't connect with him intellectually? Dan's advice was basically to settle or you'll be alone, or worse with an asshole. Is that really the greatest advice?


      Sep 28, 2013 at 7:09am

      My husband doesn't read a book for sport he doesn't care about news he hates politics. I on the other hand love love all of the above. He builds things he restores cars he can fix us it is all about appreciating our partners can do and compliment each other. Loving someone starts with lust and moves to respect. OH and he is a great COOK who could ask for more??

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