Hookups are people, so don't treat them like shit

    1 of 1 2 of 1
      Email Dan

      Is it possible for a hookup to turn into a relationship?

      > Hoping One Person Enters

      A hookup is a relationship, HOPE. It may be a short-term relationship, but it’s a relationship regardless.

      And yes, a short-term hookup can turn into a long-term relationship, HOPE, but not if you’re treating your hookups like shit (because they’re only hookups!) and not if you’re willing to let the people you hook up with treat you like shit (because you’re only a hookup). Treat your hookups like people you might actually see again—like human beings with human feelings, not just human holes and/or poles—and you might actually see them again.

      You might even wind up in a long-term relationship.

      Now, sometimes people hook up with strangers precisely because they wanna have sex with someone they don’t know and don’t expect to see again. And that’s not always a bad idea: having sex with someone who you don’t expect to see again can be very liberating. A girl who can’t let herself go with a guy she’s dating—maybe she fears being slut- or nympho-shamed by a boyfriend—will grind the dick off a hookup. And it can be easier to ask someone you don’t expect to see again to do something kinky. Say a straight boy has always wanted a girl to put him in her panties and peg his ass. He could ask a girlfriend to do that for him, sure, but the stakes are higher. What if she freaks out and dumps him and blabs to her friends—and his—about why she dumped him?

      People who divide the fuckable world into those they care about (and can’t open up to sexually) and those they don’t care about (and can open up to sexually but won’t date) wind up having awesome sex with people they don’t know and lousy sex with people they marry. That’s not a good strategy for anyone interested in a successful—and sexually fulfilling—long-term relationship.

      So here’s what you should do, HOPE: be uninhibited with your hookups while treating them like people you might actually see again and insist on being treated that way in return. Don’t hook up with people who treat you like shit; don’t treat the people you hook up with like shit. Even if you know you’re not going to see someone again—maybe they’re not someone you would date or circumstances are such that you couldn’t date them even if you wanted to (business trip, European vacation, spring break, et cetera)—treat your hookups with kindness, respect, and gratitude.

      Finally, HOPE, some people treat hookups like shit—only after they’ve come, natch—because they want their hookups to understand that they’re not interested in a relationship. That’s not just assholery, assholes, it’s completely unnecessary assholery. If someone was kind enough to suck your dick or fuck your brains out—if someone hooked up with your ass—a little kindness and consideration isn’t too much to ask. If you’re worried that your hookup might misinterpret “kindness and consideration” for “I want to be with you forever,” tell them—gently and directly—that you’re not interested in a relationship.

      Straight guy here. For the first time in my life, I am with someone who understands how much my work is a part of who I am. (I travel for research and come home and agonize over writing it up.) We have a caring and affectionate relationship. She told me at the start that she has never had an orgasm and she didn’t believe in masturbation. I knew then that the sex would be vanilla, but I didn’t realize that a year later, it would be more vanilla and less frequent. I’m going out of my mind. In the early months, we discussed open relationships. Her view was that she wasn’t interested, but if I cheated it would be fine as long as she never found out. At the time, it sounded like a trap; now it sounds like an option. Help.

      > Sex Too Underwhelming Can’t Kontinue

      Since an honest open relationship is off the table, STUCK, I’m gonna urge you to DTMFA. (I’m not saying your girlfriend is an MF—heavens no—but DTMFA is the term of art around here.) I’m thinking you’ll have an easier time getting a girl who likes sex to understand how important your work is to you than you’ll have getting this girl to understand how important sex is to you. You and your current girlfriend simply aren’t sexually compatible, STUCK, and sexual compatibility matters when you’re picking a sex partner. Duh.


      I am a girl and I am stuck. My boyfriend and I have been dating for nine months, and I only recently told him I can squirt. When we would have sex before, I would tell him to stop before I came because I didn’t want to squirt. Now that he knows, he thinks it’s really hot that I can and wants me to do it. But I can’t seem to get to that point anymore. I have a vibrator, and when I masturbate, I can squirt no problem. But even with me, or him, stimulating my clit while having sex, I just can’t do it and I don’t know why.

      > What Should I Do?

      You should relax.

      I’m not saying that you’ll squirt the next time you fuck your boyfriend if you can just relax, WSID, but you’ll get there sooner if you relax about whether or not you’re squirting.

      And let’s remember why you weren’t squirting with the boyfriend: you were worried that he might react negatively or think it was gross. Not squirting was something you were doing for him. Now that you know he’s into it, you want to squirt for him.

      Stop thinking about him, WSID, and start thinking about yourself.

      You trained your body not to come when you were with your boyfriend, and it’s going to take some time to undo that training. But if you can squirt when you masturbate alone, WSID, you can squirt with your boyfriend. And here’s how you can get there: masturbate with your boyfriend in the house but not in your room. Then do it with him in the room but not in the bed with you—and hey, put a blindfold on him if you’re self-conscious about him watching you. Then masturbate with him in the bed with you blindfolded. Then masturbate with him in the bed with you not blindfolded. Then masturbate with him in the bed and not blindfolded and touching you, then with him in the bed holding you, then with him in the bed helping you.

      Relax, enjoy, have fun, and you’ll get there, WSID, I promise.

      The advice you gave to TUSH—the gay teenager worried because he and his boyfriend weren’t any good at gay sex—isn’t exclusive to the gay young’uns. Most of us don’t start with the discipline of practice and communication often required for mutually successful sex. My first attempts, as a virgin male with a virgin female, were hilariously awkward. Nothing worked, nothing fit. Fifteen years later, with a combined 30 years of experience, we hooked up again for one of our best-ever sexual encounters. Please let the gay kids know they’re not at all alone in this crazy game of sex. Like anything worthwhile, it takes time and effort and practice to get good at it.

      > Only Learning Doth Make A Notch

      Thanks for sharing, OLDMAN.


      Download the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) at www.straight.com. Email: mail@savagelove.net. Follow me on Twitter at @fakedansavage.




      Apr 25, 2012 at 2:30pm

      From what I have witnessed, the ability to treat people like shit is the chief appeal of hooking up. I can't say how it is for other demographics, but let's be honest here: straight guys mostly hook up with women order to compete with / impress other guys via how much they score and how good their 'game' is. Women themselves barely factor into it, except as marks on the scoreboard. Misogyny is the unavoidable toxic byproduct of the culture.

      Les Miller

      Apr 26, 2012 at 4:38pm

      As a straight guy who's had numerous "hook-up"s over the years, I can firmly state that I have never had sex with a woman in orde to compete with other men. What an odd suggestion. Frankly, I'd say that for your average thinking guy - that equation stops around the age of 17. If I've had a hook, it;s because I really wanted to fuck the woman in question - forwhatever reasons I find her sexy and I expect the encounter to be kept strictly between us. And - not because I'm ashamed of it - but because other people knowing holds not excitement for me. Why would I assume other people are interested in my sex life? And I honestly believe that's true for a lot of other men.


      May 1, 2012 at 10:47am

      I'm with Les on this one. The real misogyny Savagery, lies in the fact that you seem to completely discount women from participating in or enjoying hookups in the first place. Which the majority of us do. It's also rather misogynistic to advocate the belief that men are out there wanting to fuck anything that moves so they can show off for their buddies, while poor forlorn women who just want a relationship that will lead to marriage and babies goddammit, are passive victims of these men's insatiable douchebaggery.
      Guys lose that "showing-off-for-my-friends" mentality after oh...I would say the age of 21 or 22 at the latest and if they don't, they're a "bro" and that is something no woman should have to contend with. I have been in mostly long-term relationships, but the in-between time has been one of hookups and I have only left them feeling disrespected on one occasion, and that was partly due to my own poor judgment. All the other times, it was just two adults seeking consensual NSA sex. No "toxic misogyny" (wee bit dramatic don'tcha think?), just two adults who enjoy sex and don't want a relationship for any number of reasons.

      single,(& not by choice)

      May 1, 2012 at 5:56pm

      Funny, no one's hook me up with anyone, so I don't know what it's like, anyway, my apologies everyone,I just had to vent & get my frustrations out.


      May 18, 2012 at 3:56pm

      Fair points on the first two -- until you get to the third, where the "neener neener, u jelous lol" tone does more for my argument than I'd ever have to. By inferring that I am jealous, and then taking pleasure in the fact, this is evidence that what I'm saying is true -- that sex isn't about affection or even pleasure, but rather, about ego. How could anyone be 'sex-positive', knowing this?


      Dec 28, 2012 at 2:47am

      Then you also find the girls who hook up with guys because that's what society has told them to do. And then has also told her that she's only worth as much as her looks will carry her and that she needs to keep her expectations of a hook up low in order to be attractive. Sigh.

      If you want a relationship with a hook up, tell her. She'll probably be pretty surprised!

      More Savage Love