Burning Question: Do we need the handheld device that instantly helps identify the Ontarians every November?

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      From where does all Vancouver’s daily garbage go, to what kind of monster could possibly enjoy raw parsley, there are things that enquiring minds want to know. We ask important questions so you don’t have to.

       

      This week's burning question: “Umbrellas in November. Crucial, or something only Ontario transplants see as necessary?”

       

      “I’m in favor of umbrellas in November. It’s a coastal rainforest.”
      - Writer, director, actor, and lowbrow priestess Tristan Risk

      "If you’re not prepared to get wet, don’t go out in the rain. So I say, no umbrellas EVER. You’re going to get wet regardless! The rain sees your best efforts and will find a way into your shoes or through the hole in your umbrella, that you could have sworn didn’t exist. And, when you finally make it to your destination, dry, happy, and you have the audacity to think you can close the umbrella without water splashing you from top to bottom, you are humbled, again! My dear people of earth. Rain is undefeated, and it always will be."
      - Vancouverite-via-London alt-pop artist Mauvey

      "Please close your umbrellas and open your eyes. We live in a rainforest and, yeah, it’s a brute force of insanity that said rainforest needs you to participate in a capitalistic hellscape and you don’t want to get your shoes/suit/hair/newly purchased item (that you were hoping would give you an actual permanent hit of dopamine for longer than it did) wet. We like this idea of the element of protection from the elements—sure who doesn’t? But, listen kid: umbrellas are not your forever love. We lose them. Someone else takes them, mistaking them as theirs. The wind screams so hard they break. You poke other peoples eyes out with them under an awning [please… c’mon]. Get a jacket with a big hood and do your best to embrace the 7ish months of super-soaker times. Plus, when it rains this much, no one can tell if you’re actually also crying over the endless agony and injustice—that city hall is conveniently ignoring.
      -CFOX weekend deejay and media outcast and Casey-Jo Loos

      “Real Vancouverites don’t use umbrellas.”
      - Jack 96.9 Morning Show host Drex

      “Whenever I see someone carrying an umbrella, I think two things. First, that the person is not from Vancouver. Second, that the person does not deserve to live in Vancouver and should fuck off back to Calgary or Toronto or whatever rain-free location they are from. To live in Vancouver is to embrace the elements, and in particular, the rain. Fuck your umbrella of cowardice. Fuck your discrimination (“Oh, this shower water is so refreshing and relaxing, but this water from the sky is so horrid I cannot let a drop come into contact with my body”). Fuck all that. The water that falls from your shower head is the same water that falls from the sky, dummy. You want to live here, you learn to brave the elements and stop hiding behind your umbrella.”
      - Music and art entrepreneur Jonathan Simkin

       

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