Masturbation in the news: Get paid to test sex toys, porn is bigger than Jesus, and what's up with #NOFAP?

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      I apologize if this disappoints anyone, but "masturbation in the news" isn't going to be a regular thing, just as "sex-doll news round-up" didn't become one. (I did update one particular story, though.)

      Sometimes you fall down an Internet rabbit hole, and you find out way more about something than you ever wanted to know. For instance...

      #NOFAP

      [Note: after posting this item, I received a very cordial message from the folks at NoFap.com, assuring me that their members do not necessary hold to the views discussed in the research findings below. So, I feel compelled to point out that—as mentioned in the item already—the researchers surveyed men from Reddit, not NoFap.com. Also, I use the term "no-fappers" to refer generally to anyone in the, uh, semen-retention community, because although they may have trademarked "NoFap", the guys at NoFap.com certainly haven't cornered the market on the concept.]

      If you ever happen to find yourself in one of the darker corners of the Internet—one of those icky spots populated by incels, MGTOWs, flat-earthers, and other troglodytes—you may come across...ooh, let me reword that...you may encounter a faction of men who hold firm...er, who subscribe to...the notion that ejaculation makes one weak, and that anyone capable doing so ought to refrain from doing so. For society's sake, or something.

      Hoping to shed some light on the reasons why no-fappers do what they do—or, to be more precise, why they claim not to do what they tell everyone else not to do—researchers at Johannes Gutenberg University in Germany recruited people from that hive of scum and villainy known as Reddit. Specifically, they got 1,063 adult male participants and had them complete an online survey regarding the strength of their motivation to abstain from masturbation, hypersexuality, average masturbation frequency per month, sexual dysfunction, trust in science, conservatism, religiosity, and perceived healthiness.

      Their findings, published in the Archives of Sexual Behaviour, suggest that dudes who distrust science and hold more conservative views are more likely to seek to abstain from masturbation. In other words, the strongest predictors of such attempts at abstinence are an individual's attitudes and beliefs rather than any psychological dysregulation or sexual problems.

      Roland Imhoff, one of the authors of the study titled “Abstinence from Masturbation and Hypersexuality" told PsyPost: “What we observe is that the motivation to abstain from masturbation is not strongest in people who report the most serious sexual problems (like hypersexuality or erectile dysfunction) but that the stronger correlates were opinions about masturbation as harmful for productivity, harmful for the appreciation of sexual partners and as a generally unhealthy behavior."

      PORN: WORST THING EVER

      I don't know if Josh McDowell has ever flogged the bishop, but if he ever did, he probably self-flagellated afterwards. (Not to be mistaken for self-fellating, which only Chad Kroeger can do.)

      The Christian Post describes McDowell as an apologist, and the man really should be sorry for telling that fine publication that Jesus isn't enough. 

      In these pandemic times, with everyone stuck at home and online 24/7, people have started to notice that there is some pornography available on the Internet. Dear reader, I know you would never look at such things, but McDowell seems to be something of an expert in the subject. He is, at the very least, familiar enough with it to declare porn "by far the greatest cancer ever to the church". 

      "It is right at this moment destroying more churches, more pastors, more marriages, more people's lives, more relationships than any one thing has ever done simultaneously in history," he said, at the risk of understating things. 

      It's in such times of crisis that the faithful turn to Jesus, of course, but McDowell says Christians need more than Jesus to keep them from looking at porn. They need to hold each other accountable.

      "I need more than Jesus, you need more than Jesus. We all do. Why? When it comes to my salvation, all I need is Jesus, not Jesus plus works or this or that or church. He paid the entire price. But we need the church, the Body of Christ. In the New American Standard version [of the Bible], 161 times the phrase 'one another' is used. And 30-some times it says 'each other.' I believe that 98 percent of people who start watching and become addicted to porn will not make it out [of the addiction] without others around them."

      And he's right. There's no greater deterrent to masturbation than having someone burst into the room while you're wacking it to Whorecraft: Legion of Whores Vol. 1 and screeching at you to stop. Especially if that person is your mom. Or Josh McDowell.

      MIGHT AS WELL GET PAID

      So, that's that. No porn for Christians. Presumably no sex toys either. For the rest of us, though, it's fair game. And since you're going to be doing it anyway, you might as well get paid for it.

      Ricky.com, an online retailer of what used to be euphemistically called "marital aids", is looking for someone willing to be a guinea pig of sorts. That's right: the U.K.-based company is looking for a sex-toy tester.

      Ricky.com

      Don't think this position is all fun and games (and squirting), however. In addition to trying out the merchandise, Ricky expects its testers to analyze the packaging and assess the delivery methods.

      If you think you can handle all that to earn £100 per sex-toy test, visit the website to apply.

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