Savage Love: Friends with benefits don't need to know about wife's OnlyFans account
Dan Savage answers a grab bag of letters, including one from a woman with an entirely new take on “service” dogs and another about the safety of urethral probing
My wife and I are in a great ENM marriage. We have two couples that we are friends with and get together regularly for sex, and we each pursue solo FWB relationships.
During COVID, we started posting pictures on Reddit, which were well received. This morphed into my wife starting an OnlyFans account, because why not?
So, at what point do we spill the beans to our FWBs? We don’t show our faces on OnlyFans, we use fake names, and we only post content made with people that know it’s going up on OnlyFans. Is this just “our secret” and doesn’t hurt anyone, so, who cares? Or do our FWBs have a right to know?
- Posting Intimate Content
You’re under no obligation to tell your casual sex partners that you have an OnlyFans account where you share photos and videos you make with your other casual sex partners.
OnlyFans seems like something you should be able to share with your FWBs, but “you should be able to” ≠ “you are obliged to”.
Cis-het Black woman. I have been working on myself for a while and a side effect of that is now I have standards and I am unwilling to settle for mediocre partners. For me, a quality partner is a cis or trans man (a penis haver) who is an ally to equality movements (sex, gender, race, et cetera), emotionally healthy, kink-positive, and can afford their own life.
Where does one find a person who meets these criteria? I’ve tried Tinder, Bumble, OkCupid, and FetLife, et cetera, with no luck.
- Never Gonna Settle
There is no settling down without some settling for. If you’re lucky, you’ll meet someone who comes close enough to what you want—an employed penis-having person, for instance, who’s an ally to equality movements everywhere but isn’t exactly kink-positive but has an open mind and could get there. Or an emotionally healthy, kink-positive penis-having student who isn’t rolling in dough right now but has a realistic career plan.
And where do you find that guy? Well, you might get lucky and find him on one of the sites you’re already on—keep those profiles up and updated—or you might get lucky and meet him through friends, at work, in a bar, et cetera. Keep at it, NGS, because you never know when your bad luck is going to run out.
I’m a 34-year-old female and my husband (of only two years!) blindsided me by asking for a separation on my birthday in June and a divorce via text message a month later. We owned a home and ran a business together.
Needless to say… this all sucks. I’ve had to start my entire life over again. I’ve settled into a new home with a new job and I’m trying to be a badass about the whole situation. But it’s been a lot.
I’ve gone back and forth on when to start dating again. I feel mounting pressure to “get back out there” and I’m on the apps again but I bail about a week into every new flirtation. Why am I hesitating?
- Balking At Love, Knowing I’m Nervous, Gah!
Hmm… my guess is you might be hesitating, BALKING, because your soon-to-be-ex-husband stomped on your heart and turned your life upside down less than six months ago. And you’re doing great: you got a new place to live, you got a new job, and you recently got back on the apps.
Maybe you’re not ready to start dating again right this minute, but getting back on the apps is a sign you will be soon. Lowering the temperature with the guys you’re connecting with online might help (be chatty, not flirty), as will keeping the stakes low on those first dates when you are ready (a quick coffee, not a dinner). You can do this!
I recently read this in your column: “PIV or PIT or PIB.” Okay, I know PIV (“penis in vagina”). But the other two? I’ve been reading you for years and I’m stumped on this!
- Creative Acronyms Totally Confound Him
Hmm… you probably could’ve worked this one out on your own, CATCH, if you’d given it a moment’s thought. Besides vaginas (PIV), where else do penises go? PIT stands for “penis in throat” and PIB stands for “penis in butt”.
I could’ve gone with PIM (“penis in mouth”) and PIA (“penis in ass”), I guess, but why not go for the rhyme? (Oh, and ENM means “ethical nonmonogamy.”)
I just discovered your column. I’ve been reading you for a month. Four weeks, four disgusting columns. I do not give a rat’s ass about the sex lives of strangers. If you do not reevaluate your content, I shall not continue to read.
If you just finished reading your letter, D, and you’re reading my response now, you’re gonna want to stop reading now. Because you’re really not gonna like the next couple of letters.
I am a 24-year-old woman in a mostly happy marriage. My husband is not interested in oral sex. At all. Not giving it, not receiving it. In previous relationships, this was the way I most consistently achieved orgasm.
I miss this type of intimacy so much I’m now curious about the legality of putting peanut butter on myself in hopes that my dog would come up to me on his own—unforced—and lick it off. I imagine this to be no different legally than a dog eating something out of your hand.
I haven’t done it. But I am curious about your opinion. If you have other recommendations on how to get the specific sensation of oral sex when you don’t have a willing partner, I welcome your advice.
- Disgusting Obsession Grosses Girl Out
You’re 24 years old and your sex life with your husband is so miserably unsatisfying that you’re seriously thinking about tricking your dog into eating you out, which is illegal in lots of places. (Since I don’t know where you live, DOGGO, you’ll have to google it yourself.)
My advice: put down the peanut butter and back away from it. Then get a divorce, get a lover (a human one), or get yourself one of those new clit-sucking sex toys that—according to the reviews I’ve read by clit-having people—do a pretty amazing job of simulating the specific sensations of oral sex.
Hell, get all three!
I have a question about urethral sounding. My husband wanted me to do this to him for two years and I finally did. It was interesting! But I’m wondering what kind of harmful effects this could cause if we were to do it long-term.
- Making Enquiries About Taking Urethral Sounds
Urethral sounding—sliding a well-lubed stainless-steel rod into someone’s urethra—is an actual medical procedure with legit medical purposes (also easily googled!), but some people enjoy recreational sounding, both for how it feels (good, I’m told) and what it symbolizes (penetrating a penetrator’s penetrator).
So long as you’re using sterilized sounds and sterile lube, you and your husband should be able to safely enjoy sounding on the regular. Besides upping his risk for the occasional UTIs, there’s not much risk of harm—so long as you don’t force it, you stop if there’s pain or blood, and you have access to an autoclave.
Someone assigned male at birth, with male genitalia, but on estrogen to feminize their appearance and identifies as trans-agender. Curious how to identify their sexuality. They are only attracted to people who identify as women or femme-nonbinary. So how does someone without gender define their sexuality if they are only attracted to one gender identity?
- Narrow Attractions Complicate Multifaceted Identity
Also, I’m pretty sure lumping all “women or femme-nonbinary” people into a single “gender identity” is incorrect. (And would lead to a Title 9 complaint at Oberlin.) I mean, I’ve personally and biblically known gay men who identify as femmes and there are lots of femme-nonbinary people out there—AMAB, AFAB, ACAB—who would object to being lumped into a single category with mere women.
It’s all so very, very complicated. Which is great, of course, because we can’t talk about climate change and the growing threat of authoritarianism all the time, right?