10 godawful horror flicks to avoid at all costs this Halloween
Okay, so lately I've been coming up with top-10 lists of horror flicks streaming on Netflix, Amazon Prime, and Tubi.
Those were movies that I actually enjoyed watching.
Now get ready for the crap.
Here's a list of the 10 worst horror flicks I reviewed during my time as the Georgia Straight's in-house horror guy. I basically held that position from late 1987 to late 2018, and in those three decades I suffered through a lot of shite.
If you see any of these movies streaming on any platforms this Halloween, run away. They are all scary bad. And two of them are Uwe Boll flicks!
Alone in the Dark (2005): "The convoluted, terribly written film--which sports lines like Reid's "The hairs on my neck just stood up!"--blatantly rips off Raiders of the Lost Ark, Alien, Tremors, 28 Days Later, and The Hidden, but never in a good way. The most entertainment comes from watching Slater and Dorff and trying to figure out who's got the biggest forehead."
Bloodrayne (2006): "So how does a filmmaker bounce back from an almost universally reviled action-horror mistake? Well, if your name is Uwe Boll, you don’t. You license another video-game title and head over to budget-friendly Romania to bang out a lousy medieval adventure-horror flick called BloodRayne, about a swordfighting half-vampire babe out for revenge against the undead creep who killed her mom."
Children of the Corn II: The Final Sacrifice (1993): "The latest flick spawned by one of King’s short works, Children of the Corn II: The Final Sacrifice, is more fairly based on his 1977 'Children of the Corn' tale, but he should still sue its makers over this worthless piece of cinematic dreck. Corn II is so despicable that it makes the lowly Children of the Corn flick from ’84 look good."
Godsend (2004): "The weirdest thing is watching perennial wuss Kinnear push tough guy De Niro all over the place. I kept waiting for Bob to pull an Angel Heart--sprout sharp fingernails, put in some demonic contact lenses--and tear Mr. Schoolteacher a new A-hole."
The Reaping (2007): "Poorly paced scenes of clichéd silliness culminate in a hokey showdown between the wee sprite, the investigating duo, the riled-up townsfolk, and about a billion locusts. Schlocky special effects straight outta Firestarter ensue, and the filmmakers make a last-ditch effort to end things on a scary note, but nothing is nearly as frightening as the damage to Swank's career caused by starring in this unholy debacle."
The Unborn (2009): "As expected, all hell breaks loose once Jumby shows up and starts possessing everyone in sight, making eyes turn icey blue and backs fold violently in two. I kept hoping Oldman would revert to his Sid & Nancy punk persona and kick the little freak in the yarbles like some pain-deserving Springsteen fan, but no such luck. He just carries on with the Hebrew mumbo jumbo until you’re sure he’ll either burst out laughing at the sheer nonsense of it all or break down crying at this career misstep."
My Soul to Take (2010): "Local legend has it that, when the Ripper disappeared and/or died, parts of his soul were transferred to Bug and six other babies prematurely born in Riverton Hospital that very day. Thanks to that hokey premise we get to watch a knife-wielding maniac who looks like Rob Zombie in concert and talks like Jigsaw in Saw chase generic teens through the woods and stab them."
Orphan (2009): "Countless horror clichés are trotted out in this grim, two-hour train wreck, which was helmed by Jaume Collet-Serra, who did a surprisingly good job of gruesomely updating House of Wax back in 2005. Orphan’s painfully predictable story line gets bent way out of shape by a preposterous plot twist that will leave horror fans shaking their heads in sadness and disbelief that their beloved genre could sink so low."
Red Riding Hood (2011): "David Johnson’s previous screenwriting credit was the hackneyed horror flick Orphan, and this time around his artless script leaves both Oscar-winner Julie Christie and Oscar-nominee Virginia Madsen afloat in a sea of silliness and clichés. Director Catherine Hardwicke obviously had no qualms about abusing a perfectly good fairy tale in a mindless cash-grab aimed at the same gullible tweens she fleeced with her equally vapid Twilight."
Bless the Child (2000): "As soon as I got home after seeing Bless the Child, I happened to check my mail and found a schedule for the Vancouver Film School’s part-time fall classes. The cover of the glossy pamphlet caught my eye because it read, in big green letters, If You Suck, You Can Always Become a Film Critic. Now, I’m living proof that anyone can be a movie critic, but the timing of this particular piece of junk mail left me cold, ’cause I’d just spent two hours suffering through one of the most insipid Satanic horror flicks of all time. The last time I was so poorly entertained I was having a root canal, but not only that, now I have to spend another tiny chunk of my life thinking about that dreck while I bang out this slagging review. Oh sure, you can always become a film critic. Look how much fun it is!"