Starring Dwayne Johnson, Adrianne Palicki, and Bruce Willis. Rated PG.
Making G.I. Joe hook up with Barbie inside the Barbie camper counts as G.I. Joe expertise, right? Just kidding. I mean, come on.
Okay, is there a 12-year-old boy vegging nearby? Take him to G.I. Joe: Retaliation, where there is much retaliation in the form of explosions, generous weaponry usage, and hand-to-hand combat by masked ninjas. Actually, we all like masked ninjas, so put that in the adult-bonus column, along with this dialogue: “It’s possible to hate so much you no longer have feeling at all—like a fish not knowing it’s in water.” Okey-dokey, Storm Shadow.
Following on 2009’s G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra, there is an impostor American president (Jonathan Pryce), which never happens in real life. Yes, evil organization Cobra, mortal enemy of the G.I. Joes, an elite military unit, is still busily rising. A desert attack creams all on-site Joes except Roadblock (Dwayne Johnson, scarily pumped), Lady Jaye (Adrianne Palicki), and Flint (D. J. Cotrona), who must stop Cobra from blowing up the world. There’s a professional way to do that: blow up some other shit.
Did I mention masked ninjas? Enter Joes Snake Eyes (Ray Park) and Jinx (Elodie Yung), swarms of Cobra ninjas, and Storm Shadow (Byung-hun Lee), who is both bad and good but looks mighty ripped either way. Director Jon M. Chu (um, Justin Bieber: Never Say Never) gives us the Himalayas as we like them: with ninjas cliff-running horizontally and having crazy aerial battles.
Your dog could grasp the nuances here. The original Joe, General Joe Colton (Bruce Willis), has a house that’s basically an arsenal. Grenades in the fruit bowl!
And, good or evil, everybody is a joker in this movie. You guys should really learn to get along, lose the masks, and form a comedy troupe.