Fifty Shades of Grey is glossily shot trash
Starring Dakota Johnson and Jamie Dornan. Rated 18A. Now playing
If you’re looking for shocks in Fifty Shades of Grey, you’ll only find them if you’ve never heard of the Internet and its roughly five million free porn sites.
Director Sam Taylor-Johnson had to clean up the tawdrier bits of E.L. James’s junky millions-selling mommy-porn to gain her R rating in the U.S. The result is glossily shot trash that fetishizes the consumerism of a male billionaire/stalker who has a garage full of hot cars as much as it lovingly lenses his rows of floggers.
James’s tiresome descriptions of orgasms and inner spirit goddesses are gone, but the more laughable lines have stayed: “Oh, I exercise control in all things, Miss Steele,” he tells the young woman he so desperately wants to turn into his submissive. And later, when she, well, submits: “I want you to be in the playroom in 15 minutes!” Ah, romance.
Surprisingly, watching this Vancouver-shot trip into tame S & M is not as painful as you’d think. Yes, the setup is clichéd: Anastasia (Dakota Johnson) is a way-innocent 21-year-old with bad bangs and a job at a hardware store when she falls for the impossibly rich Christian Grey (Jamie Dornan). The catch? He’s “not into romance”. Handcuffs and blindfolds, yes.
But Johnson (the progeny of Melanie Griffith and Don Johnson) brings more to the role than the airhead in the book, imbuing the character with a feistiness and sense of humour that allow her to laugh openly at the absurdity of what Grey wants (watch her negotiate the butt plugs and masking tape mentioned in the written contract he wants her to sign), and yet sort of get turned on by it too. Dornan doesn’t have quite as much to work with, playing a man who’s a clenched fist of control.
And speaking of the sex, it’s important to note that Taylor-Johnson makes it a lot more female-centric, and therefore hotter, than, say, the bang fest of 9 1/2 Weeks, which at least shows we’ve made some progress in three decades. Still, “Miss Steele” spends a hell of a lot more time buck naked than her screen partner, who even keeps his jeans on in the playroom. So less pants, please—and while we’re at it, do we need to hear Beyoncé every time somebody’s cumming?
What comes across most is a film that doesn’t want too much mess spilling on its sleek marble floors. And just as that means no sweat or bodily fluids, it means no messy psyches—ones with the complication or depth you’d find in something like Catherine Breillat’s Romance. So I guess you could call it clean dirt.
Comments
9 Comments
i wonder
Feb 13, 2015 at 12:46pm
why is it that woman love this trashy book and this pathetic movie, but despise Jian G?
Miranda Nelson
Feb 13, 2015 at 12:49pm
Probably because 50 Shades is a piece of fantasy about BDSM and Jian G allegedly assaulted women without consent.
Save your $$
Feb 13, 2015 at 3:54pm
And watch PornHub or xxxbunker.com online they're free & no holds barred.
Hazlit
Feb 14, 2015 at 6:52am
One thing that hasn't changed is that women's fantasies still involve men who command in the C-suite. Message to the boys--if you have an ordinary schmuck job--you're out of luck.
The Baby Jesus
Feb 15, 2015 at 4:59am
Porn for chicks.
It's not my thing but I say have at it, gals. If that's what works for ya. It's probably about time we stopped shitting on each other's tastes, as goofy (or threatening, depending on one's level of insecurity) as they might seem to those of us that didn't evolve to appreciate our own sex's indicators of genetic suitability - AND their socially / culturally modified parallels.
Seriously, crapping on each other that way won't help anyone find a mate. Although, to be fair, not taking a dump on it won't help either. What it does do is make living in the same society a lot less shitty.
Just my opinion
(filled with poo analogies, though it is).
Roedy Green
Feb 15, 2015 at 7:10am
The fantasy is about marrying somebody fabulously RICH and powerful. S&M is just a minor drawback.
Real-lifer
Feb 15, 2015 at 7:51pm
If badly written "romance porn" sells millions of books and spawns a movie deal with all the product endorsements that go with that...imagine how a well-written and imaginative BDSM-themed novel series would sell. Or would something like that be too, uh, hard to read for today's linguistically challenged consumers? Anyway...
The guy who who claims *all* women only date or have sex with extremely rich men is just wrong. Or is every dude with a girlfriend or wife a 0.1%er? Didn't think so. Trying to "pick up" women with canned routines and fake sincerity is a good way to disappear into the crowd of anonymous schmucks that tried before you. Most women have seen and heard it all before. At best, you out yourself a someone with no imagination or originality.
Being sincerely interested in a potential mate or partner with no expectations beyond the initial conversation, and letting the situation develop as it goes along, is likely to work out much better than following the advice of some internet PUA "guru".
And being a nice guy isn't the same as being insecure and needy and putting the woman on a pedestal, agreeing with every word she says and generally treating her like an exotic alien life form. You're both human after all and nobody likes being treated like an object in a display case.
Oh, and not being a bitter cynic helps too. You're welcome ;-)
stevedave
Feb 15, 2015 at 9:10pm
Looking forward to seeing this movie in the 2 dollar bin at Walmart this time next year
Date Screen
Feb 15, 2015 at 9:54pm
This movie is a godsend for any guy who wants to find out if his girlfriend is a quality human being or a loser ditz airhead. Just go see it together "for fun" and then casually listen to what she thinks about the film. If she raves about how fabulously romantic and edgy it all is, run for the hills. If she laughs at what kind of knob would ever get herself involved with an insecure dweeb like Christian Grey, then marry her.