Starring Samuel L. Jackson and Onni Tommila. Rated PG.

Big Game is a Finnish-American coproduction that attempts to mix a coming-of-age story with the dated concept of an ’80s blockbuster. I’m tempted to compare watching it to being trapped in an overheated sauna, but that might suggest more genuine tension than this Northern European spin on Die Hard can ever hope to achieve.

We start off with a Finnish rite of passage that involves 13-year-old Oskari (an impish Onni Tommila, by far the best thing about this mess). To prove his manhood, Oskari must spend the night alone in the woods. His mission? To kill anything big and dangerous—a bear or an elk will do—with nothing more than a bow and arrow.

Since Oskari wants to impress his dad, a great hunter, he takes the task very seriously. But things aren’t going well for the kid when it comes to bagging big game.

Then Air Force One crashes in the middle of the Finnish woods. Suddenly, Oskari has to rescue the president of the United States (Samuel L. Jackson) from a bunch of evil conspirators.

The skittish president isn’t sure he wants to be rescued by a kid who’s barely out of short pants. But little Oskari keeps growling lines like “My forest, my rules.” What’s the leader of the free world to do?

What follows is nothing short of preposterous. Writer-director Jalmari Helander keeps piling on the ham. Jackson does his best to bring some charm to the absurdity, but he seems vaguely embarrassed by the whole thing.

You’d think a supporting cast that features the likes of Jim Broadbent, Felicity Huffman, and Victor Garber could keep things within the realm of probability, but nothing can save them here. Unless, of course, you count the cheap thrill of a quick and dirty payday.