Light makes right

Beyoncé's 66-year-old dad, Mathew Knowles, has said his daughter—as well as Solange, Rihanna, and Nicki Minaj—wouldn’t be nearly as successful if they had darker skin. Before you snort at that, ask yourself why CupcakKe’s “Duck Duck Goose” video hasn’t made her bigger than Oprah. (Hint: it’s not the dildos.)

Smells like babies

A new T-Mobile ad has reimagined Nirvana’s “All Apologies” as a children’s song, with glockenspiel replacing Kurt Cobain’s serrated guitar. The official song accompanying all T-Mobile bills remains “Rape Me”.

Just say Ozzy

Ozzy Osbourne has announced a string of North American dates on his forthcoming farewell tour—but no Vancouver show. Sayeth Ozzy: “Dash ish foo fuckin’ wazza hud fuckin’ bizzo, Toronto beffa fuckin’ hoopa. Shaaaarrrrooonnnn!”

Off the road again

Willie Nelson has been forced to cancel several U.S. concert dates thanks to a bout of flu, which ought to be enough to prove conclusively that—sorry, cannabis advocates—weed doesn’t actually cure everything.