Heroin addiction and male pattern baldness aside, few things in rock ’n’ roll are sadder than once-respectable bands reuniting for a paycheque. Even more pathetic is when said reunions don’t even get off the ground before the squabbling starts.

Cue what looks like the return of the famously fractious Smashing Pumpkins.

With RRSP season just on the horizon, the one-time alternative-nation giants have been teasing soccer moms and chartered accountants everywhere with news that original members Billy Corgan, Jimmy Chamberlain, and James Iha have been in the same room without wanting to kill each other. A February 15 announcement—there a countdown clock on the group's website—is expected to confirm rumours of the band’s “classic line-up” and a subsequent tour.

There’s only one problem, namely that the original Smashing Pumpkins also included D'arcy Wretzky on bass. And, as anyone whose seen the Kim Deal-less Pixies will attest, an iconic band without all its original members inevitably ends up smelling like a cold and mercenary crash grab.

At the beginning of the week, the Pumpkins issued a statement in which they claimed to have reached out to Wretzky numerous times about taking part in a reunion. That statement, which reads suspiciously in very un-punk lawyer-speak, includes the following: “Ms. Wretzky have repeatedly been invited out to play with the group, participate in demo sessions, or at the very least meet face-to-face, and in each and every instance she always deferred. We wish her all the best, and look forward to reconnecting.”

This morning the bassist—who, depending on who you believe, either quit or was fired from the Pumpkins 18 years ago—called bullshit. In a wide-ranging interview with Alternative Nation, she claims that she’s never been offered a full-time spot in the reconstituted band, which has reportedly hired Peter Hook’s son, Jack Bates, to handle bass duties on upcoming live dates.

What all this means, of course, is that the Smashing Pumpkins—which have had  more line-up permutations than Lynyrd Skynyrd over the years—aren’t getting back together at all. Instead, the best fans can hope for is three original members and a hired gun working for scale.

And because of that, it’s hard not see the “classic line-up” as the latest unfortunate chapter of a group that was once one of the biggest acts in the world. At the height of its considerable powers, the Pumpkins filled hockey rinks like Rogers Arena, owned MTV with era-defining videos like “Today”, and unleashed sprawlingly ambitious concept albums such as the double-LP Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness.

Just as the band ascended to the top of then-fabled alternative-nation mountain, things started to unravel. Word on the street was that Corgan was a control freak who saw nothing wrong with re-recording Iha’s and Wretzky’s bass and guitar parts in the studio.

Following Wretzky’s departure, the Pumpkins limped along with former Hole member Melissa Auf der Maur on bass before imploding. What’s followed has been years of Corgan ruining what once looked like an impressive legacy.

After failed band projects like Zwan and largely ignored solo releases, the chrome-domed Uncle Fester doppelgänger went back to the well in the mid-’00s, hitting the road with a band billed as the Smashing Pumpkins. That version’s original members were Corgan and Chamberlain on drums.

When Chamberlain bailed, Corgan soldiered on with an edition of the band that had about as much to do with the original line-up as Guns N’ Roses circa Chinese Democracy.

The depressing thing about this week is that the Smashing Pumpkins have forgotten the big reason fans look forward to their once-favourite bands get back together: legitimate reunions take people back to a simpler and happier time.

Any less than a full Pumpkins line-up serves as a reminder that Corgan has become one of alternative rock’s most unlikeable miscreants in recent years, a seemingly intolerant right-wing crank who’s made statements defending Donald Trump. That he’s unable to bury the hatchet with Wretzky continues to suggest he’s more Billy 2.0 than the long-haired grunge-era wunderkind responsible for majestic classics like “Drown”.

The unapologetic sellouts of the ’90s alternative nation don’t want to walk down memory lane behind a merciless money-grubber desperate to pad his no-doubt-depleted bank account.

Pumpkins fans—that would be those aforementioned middle-aged soccer moms and chartered accounts—want to revisit a purer time in their lives, a golden era before kids, mortgage payments, high blood pressure, and Justin Bieber ruined everything.

The senior citizens who once ponied up at A&B Sound for Siamese Dream and sang their fool heads off to “Today” want a Smashing Pumpkins which has decided to get together in the name of art, not joyless dollar-grabbing commerce.

Enjoy tomorrow’s announcement. And don’t forget to, as you have so many times times since the '90s, dream of what might have been.