Only a moron with a death wish messes with someone who’s made it abundantly clear life is only something to be endured until it’s time to die.
Enter Azealia Banks, whose online feud with our favourite despondent goddess Lana Del Rey has proven the Internet’s most one-sided battle this week. Yesterday it peaked with Del Rey suggesting that Banks pop by her house for a good old-fashioned no-holds-barred ass-kicking. At which point Banks wisely chose to shut the fuck up.
To set the table, Del Rey was more than willing to take the bait when professional loudmouth Kanye West appeared on the season premiere of Saturday Night Live on September 29, the rapper and leather-running-shorts enthusiast sporting a Make America Great Again hat while lecturing the crowd on the greatness of U.S. President Donald Trump.
After noting that West’s support of Trump is a loss for, well, everyone with even a shred of human decency, Del Rey followed that up with a well-deserved Interweb takedown.
“I can only assume you relate to his personality on some level,” she wrote to West on Instagram. “Delusions of Grandeur, extreme issues with narcissism – none of which would be a talking point if we weren’t speaking about the man leading our country. If you think it’s alright to support someone who believes it’s OK to grab a woman by the pussy just because he’s famous-then you need an intervention as much as he does-something so many narcissists will never get because there just isn’t enough help for the issue.”
Then the real beef started. Banks—who at this point in her career is more famous for fighting on social media than she is for making music—weighed in on Instagram to tell Del Rey that she owed West an apology. Tagging Del Rey, she included the following: “I’m tired of white women in Hollywood and their fake ass innocent agenda.”
And that’s where Banks made a crucial mistake, namely taking a shot at someone smarter than herself. When Banks made a plastic surgery crack, Del Rey proceeded to suggest that the rapper and part-time soap saleswoman needs to see a shrink.
And also that if Banks wanted to pop by her house for a visit, that she’s happily rip her a new asshole.
Then came the knockout blow. Banks said that sounded like a threat, and that she was going to contact her lawyer. Del Rey responded with “Tell him it’s a promise not a threat”.
What makes this scary?
Well let’s pull up some of Del Rey’s lyrics. In the inarguably-brilliant breakthrough “Born To Die” she sings “You like your girls insane/So, choose your last words, this is the last time/‘Cause you and I, we were born to die”.
In “Dark Paradise” she confesses “I wish I was dead/Every time I close my eyes it’s like a dark paradise.”
Perhaps ending all questions as to whether or not she can take a punch, “Ultraviolence” includes the lines “He hit me and it felt like a kiss/I can hear violins, violins/Give me all of that ultraviolence”.
From “I’m tired of feeling like I’m fucking crazy” in “Ride” to “He knows me, every inch of my tar black soul” in “Off the Races”, Lana has made the case, time and time again, that no one can kill her because she’s already dead inside.
And that might explain why Banks immediately decided it was no longer wise to engage, immediately posting a picture of herself wearing rabbit ears with her boobs hanging out. And then she posted a screen capture of texts between her and Kanye West that starts with her going “Lana is beefing with me” and ends with West sending her words of encouragement, including “There’s so much more to do”.
That's right-presumably in between complaining to Ted Nugent and the entire staff of Fox News, Banks sought some much-needed encouragement from America's favourite right-wing rapper. Sometimes you’re sadly on the wrong side of history.
Now, with all that out of the way, bow down to one of the greatest singers and all-round badasses of the century.