To the horror of Christian Mothers Against Masturbation, Carly Rae Jepsen paddles the pink canoe in "Party For One"

by Mike Usinger on November 1st, 2018 at 12:20 PM

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Despite what the well-meaning American lobby group Christian Mothers Against Masturbation might believe, the truth about whacking off is that practically everyone does it and enjoys it. That includes your neighbourhood Catholic priest, creepy Ted Cruz, and American soccer star Hope Solo (Google her, but not at work).

At the same time, it’s not like most of us willingly admit to regularly pulling the trouser snake or paddling the pink canoe. Admit it: there’s not a single time in your life where you’ve grabbed the talking stick at a dinner party and announced “I rubbed one out in the shower right before I got here”.

Massive props then to sometimes-Vancouver-based Carly Rae Jepsen for her new comeback single “Party For One”. The song is ostensibly a classic pure-pop breakup tune, but read between the lines and it’s also about something more.

As evidenced by lines like “You don't care about me/Making love to myself” and “Back on my beat (ahhhh)” “Party for One” is seemingly also meant to be read as a celebration of dialing the rotary phone. Or, if you prefer, diddling Miss Daisy, playing the piano, auditioning the finger puppets, or getting the last pickle out of the jar.

The video for the song has Jepsen gearing down to her underwear and then laying back on a hotel room bed. Because she’s not the only one who does it, we also get a supporting cast of characters (refreshingly of all ages) breaking out glass dildos and Coney Island wife tamers.

As she should be, Jepsen is being celebrated for signing the praises of jilling/jacking off. See the Twitter comments below the video.

And remember—the last group you need to be taking self-love tips from is Christian Mothers Against Masturbation. No matter how much they believe in the slogan “You can’t hold hands with God while masturbating”, the truth is it's not that hard (that probably explaining CMAM Facebook-page comments as "You can if you invest in the WankMaster 5000 with built in 36v dual battery pack, 5-speed titanium gear box and optional dribble reservoir").