Weigh the career of one artist against the other, and it becomes a dispute that’s so comical it’s almost sad.
This past weekend, news surfaced that ‘90s former boy band-survivor Robbie Williams has seemingly gotten into it with sometimes Led Zeppelin guitarist and indisputable rock god Jimmy Page.
The two have been waging a years-long renovation battle that recently saw Williams receive conditional approval to add a swimming pool to his London home. Page lives next door, and has expressed concern that excavation work will impact his home, a heritage mansion that dates back to 1875.
According to a letter sent to the Royal Borough of Kensington and Chelsea—which, as the local council, has input into the process—Williams has been aurally terrorizing those who live around him.
The letter, signed simply “John”, states that the 44-year-old has been blaring Deep Purple and Black Sabbath to piss off the neighbours. It states that Williams “knows this upsets” the 75-year-old Page.
“The committee,” the letter reads, “may not have been aware that Robbie Williams has been playing loud 70s rock music on outside speakers when he views Jimmy Page outside his home.”
It adds that Williams has been seen strutting around the street like every day is Halloween, and he’s dressed up as Robert Plant. According to the letter he’s been “wearing a long hair wig, and stuffing a pillow under his shirt in an attempt to mock or imitate Mr Robert Plant’s beer belly that he has acquired in his older age”.
This continues with the allegation “Mr Plant was remembered for performing with his shirt open on stage, and obviously he cannot perform in his current condition as it would be very embarrassing”.
In the court of public opinion, it’s no contest who’s seen as the loser.
In one corner, you’ve got the man responsible for such all-time classics as “Whole Lotta Love”, “Kashmir”, and “Stairway to Heaven”—the power of which is perhaps best conveyed by the clip below, where Page can’t stop beaming, and Plant does his best to avoid crying.
In the other, you’ve got the kind of guy who looks like his favourite pastime is farting in packed elevators.
It’s like Uwe Boll versus Martin Scorsese. Or a McDonald’s fry-bin jockey taking on Bobbie Flay.
Honestly—assuming that you don’t have a British passport—try and even name a Take That song, or name any album from Williams’s solo career.
To confirm we’re not offbase with this, we punched in both artists on is-a-cunt.com. No one—not even the members of Mindless Self Indulgence—has put forward the name of Page.
Williams is, however, a frequent flyer on the site, choice potshots including, but hardly limited to “Cunts got more chins than the Hong Kong phone book…” and “why is that cunt still around?”
It should be noted that a spokesman for Williams has told The Telegraph that the allegations were “a complete fabrication and nonsense.” The project will not be allowed to move forward until studies show that ground movement and vibration levels will not impact surrounding home owners.
Now enjoy the greatest version of “Stairway to Heaven” that you will ever see. After that, see if you can find a Robbie Williams song that won’t make you wonder how he managed to afford a London mansion, let alone rent in a Brixton basement suite.